Fixing the broken things
by cookie-geek
Summary: Post-mockingjay. Following Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch as they try to continue with life. Totally cannon, spoiler alert (duh, it's post-mockingjay). Rated M for much later chapters so don't get your hopes up too soon.
1. Chapter 1

Fixing the broken things

Post-mockingjay. Following Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch as they try to continue with life. Totally cannon, spoiler alert (duh, it's post-mockingjay). Rated M for much later chapters so don't get your hopes up too soon.

Disclaimer: All characters are the intellectual property of Suzanne Collins. This story is only my wish that she'd written more.

It took two things to bring me back from the edge: Peeta and Buttercup. Looking back, the irony isn't lost on me. Someone I loved and a mangy old cat that I hated and had always hated me. Still, when you're hanging on by a thread, even the comfort that a mangy old cat can bring is welcome.

Buttercup allowed me to grieve for Prim. Until then I was full of hate and anger. I couldn't bear to accept that she had gone, that she'd been taken from me despite everything I'd done to keep her safe, that she'd suffered any way. When he returned I could finally cry for her because Buttercup's world had revolved around her too. I knew he would spend every day of his flea-ridden life missing her and curling up in places that smelt of her, reminded him of her. Buttercup somehow managed to remind me of her but at the same time allow me to acknowledge that she was gone. When I spoke to my Mother for the first time since Prim had gone, we didn't even say much. Mostly we just said her name over and over and cried over the telephone. Once I cried all the tears I could and went to go she said simply 'take care of yourself, Katniss, you're all I have left.' I thought about that a lot afterwards, that I was all she had. I felt a bit sorry for her. I'm not much, an ungrateful daughter who spent the last few years hating her because she'd been depressed when she lost her husband. I'm lucky she still loves me when I couldn't love her for so long, but I know that she does. I know that she appreciates how I took care of her and especially Prim, and that she's proud of me. She hasn't said these things, like me she doesn't express her feelings well, but I know. I can hear it in the tone of her voice. I also feel sorry for her because, however many people I've lost and however guilty and alone I feel, I'm not alone. I have Greasy Sae coming everyday to cook. I have Haymitch who I see every other day to annoy. I have Peeta who I watch trying to rebuild himself as I do the same.

It was seeing Peeta that brought me back to the real world. We didn't speak at first. It was too hard to think of something to say that wasn't so deeply personal it physically hurt or so ridiculously mundane it drew attention back to the unsaid personal things. The first time he came over for breakfast he simply waved a loaf of bread at me and said. 'Here, I baked'. Sae took the loaf, thanked him and bustled around, making food for us both. The silence stretched out for a while but it didn't feel uncomfortable. Surprisingly I found I was the first to break it. 'You baked'. I said. It was a statement, not a question but Peeta seemed to understand. 'You went hunting yesterday.' I nodded. 'Yes, but that was the first time.' He frowned slightly, as if trying to make sense of this, then smiled a little. Perhaps he realised that seeing him had made that possible. Perhaps he just took it as a sign that things were slowly improving. We didn't say anything else until we'd finished eating. His bread was delicious but most of my bacon I fed to Buttercup who was taking advantage of our recent truce and rubbing my legs under the table. As Peeta got up to leave he asked if I was going hunting again today. I honestly hadn't planned that far ahead. 'Maybe' I said. 'What are you going to do?' He smiled a little. 'Haymitch' was all he said. 'Good luck' was my only response. Peeta thanked Sae for the food, something I often forgot to do, then disappeared. Buttercup followed him out, obviously sensing there were no more titbits and wanting his company more.

I decided to go to the woods again. Partly is was for lack of anything else to do, and it had always been my go to place. Partly because I didn't want to go backwards, not now Peeta could see me. The look he had given me when he first saw me made me blush. I'd seen him at his worst and somehow, tortured and crazed as he'd been, he'd never looked unkempt. That thought felt ridiculous, even in my own head, but it still made me shower and comb out my hair thoroughly before braiding it.

Once I got to the woods I decided I didn't really want to hunt, so I went foraging. I found a patch of strawberries and picked several handfuls of ripe ones. I ate what I could then picked some more. I wandered round a little more, but remembering my inability to get home unassisted the previous day I decided to return before I was exhausted beyond belief. I got back to the village to find Peeta on the steps outside Haymitch's house wringing out a cloth.

'I've got strawberries' I call out. He smiles. I hear Haymitch shout something unintelligible from inside. Peeta calls back over his shoulder 'no, if you can't stand up you don't get fed'. He walks over to me and we sit on the steps outside my house, both of us making sure that we're close but not touching. Somehow this seems like an unspoken rule. Just like we both know not to ask how the other is doing. I can see that his eyes look calm, like the old him, but that his face has a new, strained quality. Like he's been tensing every muscle in his body for too long. As I think this I imagine it's probably true. I wonder what he sees in me. I place a pile of strawberries in the gap between us and we pick at them. 'How's Haymitch?' I ask. Safe, neutral territory. He means the same to both of us, even if we mean very different things to him.

'He stinks' said Peeta and I almost smile. 'I had to start cleaning his house or I'd throw up every time I went near.' I feel guilty. 'He's been checking in on me but I haven't been round to his.'

'Don't' is Peeta's gentle advice. This time I do smile. At that moment Haymitch himself decides to make an appearance. He staggers over and plonks himself down on the other side of Peeta. Peeta dutifully passes him a handful of berries and we sit and eat in silence until Haymitch ruins it with a loud burp. 'Well isn't this nice' he says. 'The whole gang back together.' The pain of loss slices through me as I think of all the people who aren't here, who didn't make it through or chose not to come home. I see Peeta tense and know he's thinking the same thing. Some people we lost are the same, some were uniquely special to each of us but we are both familiar to grief and emptiness. Peeta is better at dealing with things though and says lightly. 'Except Effie. She should be here telling us that we're eating like animals.'

We stay there until Greasy Sae arrives to cook me dinner. Peeta gets up to leave. I invite him to join us. He tilts his head, carefully considering the offer but declines. 'I want to work some more on a painting I started' is his excuse. Haymitch hangs around though, used to Sae feeding him. 'It's nice, having the boy back' she comments as she bustles around the kitchen. Haymitch agrees. 'He's a good un. And a better conversationalist than this one' he flicks his head in my direction. I prove his point by grunting and pulling a face at him. But there's no malice in either of us. Sae and Haymitch chat over our dinner of stew, and though I don't join in much it's because I don't have much to say and not because I'm back in the funk I've been in. That night for the first time since I've been back, I actually sleep in my own bed. I know I have nightmares but they don't wake me.

The next couple of days are much the same. Peeta comes over for breakfast then I go to the woods and he goes to Haymitch's. When I come back we all sit out together in the afternoon. The difference is after the first night, Peeta joins us for dinner too. We talk about safe topics. The food, the weather, the rebuilding work and Buttercup are discussed to death. Haymitch talks about getting a pet too but we can't agree on what. He doesn't like cats, Peeta won't let him have a dog to add to the mess of his house and most other pets are things that I would hunt. It didn't seem appropriate for him to be petting a bunny rabbit as I drag home one of its relatives ready to skin and stew, not that any of us could picture Haymitch petting a bunny rabbit.


	2. Chapter 2

Things seem to settle into a routine but it is Peeta who breaks it first.

I'm woken up by his shouts. It is sorrowful. I rush downstairs and outside but Haymitch beats me to it. He is already opening Peeta's front door as I reach the bottom step. 'Not tonight sweetheart' he says. 'Go home.' 'But…' I start to object but my former mentor shakes his head sadly. 'You can't help. If anything you'll make it worse.' He waves me away and I can see that he just wants to get to Peeta so for once, I don't object. I don't go home though. As Haymitch shuts the door behind him I sit down and lean against it. I can hear Peeta shouting still, both through his open bedroom window and another muffled version through the front door. He's ranting about me and how I tried to kill him, how I'm still trying to kill him. I hear furniture being tipped over and Haymitch's voice trying to sooth. It doesn't seem to help. I shut my eyes, tip my head back and will Peeta's pain away so hard my chest physically hurts but from outside there's nothing I can do. I want to run to him, to hold him and kiss him. It's worked before. But just as I'm about to get up I her Peeta thudding down his stairs, lightfooted as ever. The shouting and banging continues and I can hear Haymitch's voice rising in pitch. That can't be good, he sounds increasingly alarmed. Then it goes silent and this is somehow worse. I strain to hear anything and can just about hear Haymitch, his voice low and soothing again, but I can't work out what he's saying.

After about ten minutes of silence the door opens and I fall forward into the house. Haymitch looks down, not surprised to see me. 'Do you still have any of your mother's medical supplies?' he asks. ''I nod. 'What do you need?' I ask, trying to keep my voice steady and failing. 'Bandages, some antiseptic.' I get up and run the few metres back to my own house and yank open the cupboard my mother kept her medicines in. I don't understand the labels on any of the vials so I don't know what is antiseptic and what isn't. There are several rolls of bandages though so I grab them all and run back. Haymitch is still holding the door open for me so I go in. 'I've got bandages' I say 'but I couldn't find anything else.' He nods and waves me in. Peeta is sitting at the kitchen table looking down. His hands are clenches into fists and are in front of him on the table. There is a towel under them. It is soaked with blood. 'Will you be ok if I go for a minute?' Haymitch asks from the doorway. I don't know which of us he's talking to but we both nod.

'I'm sorry' Peeta says, without looking up. I frown. 'What for?' I ask. 'For what I said when I was….'

I cut him off. 'It wasn't you. It never is when you have an episode. You don't have to apologise.' He shrugs without looking up, clearly not believing me. I don't know what else to say so I turn to practicality. 'I brought bandages. What happened to your hands?' He uncurls his fists and turns his hands palm up. Each hand has a bright red line across the centre, oozing bright red blood. 'How did you do this?' I ask. 'With a knife' he replies matter of factly. 'Why?' I can't stop the question from slipping out. He looks up but still not at me. I follow his gaze to a breadknife that is now on the sideboard, covered in blood. 'Because the pain helps me to hold on' is his simple reply. I want to rush over and hold him close but I sense that that would be unwelcome. So I sit down next to him and take a closer look at his hands.

The sight of blood, human blood, the blood of the living, unnerves me. I swallow a couple of times and try to think what my mother would do, what Prim would have done. It's only later that I realise this is the first time I've thought of Prim without breaking down, but I can't lose it now, Peeta needs me. Haymitch comes back in carrying a bottle of his white liquor. I'm about to start having a go at him for drinking at a time like this but luckily I realise in time and reach out for it. I take the top off and put it next to the sink. Then I put my arm around Peeta's broad shoulders and guide him to stand and take a few steps to the sink too. He understands and holds his hands out as I pour the liquor gently over them. He doesn't even wince though I know it must hurt like hell. When the liquor pouring off his hands runs clear I guide him back to the table. I start with his right hand and wind the bandage around it as carefully as I can, then repeat the same with his left. When I'm done I ask if that's ok or if they're too tight. 'They're fine, thank you' is all he says still not looking up. 'Come on, let's get you to bed' I say. Again he lets me guide him. Out of the corner of my eye I see Haymitch grab the liquor bottle and sneak out of the house. Fair enough, he's done his bit, now it's my turn. I put my hand on the small of Peeta's back to guide him up the stairs. We go to his room and he sits down on the bed. I reach down to remove his artificial leg. He acquiesces to everything until I move to get in the bed with him. 'No' he says sounding agitated and looking up at me for the first time. 'You can't stay. I'm too dangerous.' 'Shhhhh' I try to say but he keeps repeating himself. I can see he's getting agitated and don't want to trigger anything else so I agree. 'Ok, ok, I won't stay. I'll stay here until you go to sleep then I'll go back home.' He looks relieved and lies back. 'Promise' he whispers. 'I promise' I say stroking his hair away from his forehead.

I repeat this motion until I hear his breathing change and know he is drifting off. I pull my hand away and he stirs a little but doesn't wake. I watch him for a while longer. In repose he looks almost like the Peeta I first knew. The Peeta from before our first reaping. He still has that innocence about him. But there is more there now. Lines from stress and pain, scars from wounds and burns. I can see our history etched into his face. I sigh and get up to go. I realise as I leave that it's cold and I am wearing only a thin vest and a pair of shorts. I start heading for home but find myself veering off to Haymitch's where the light is still on.

Haymitch is slumped on his sofa. The white liquor has already gone and the empty bottle lies on the floor next to him. Thankfully he seems too tired to get up to start another one. 'How's the boy' he asks groggily. 'Sleeping' I say dropping down next to him. 'What happened?' I ask. Haymitch just shakes his head. 'You don't want to know.' I realise that at that moment I don't.

I jolt awake as the first rays of morning fall on my face. I panic for a moment not knowing where I am. It is the smell that first identifies it as Haymitch's house. I look around. I'm stretched out on the sofa with a dirty blanket over me. The events of the previous night come flooding back to me. 'Peeta' I cry out as I leap up. I run over to his house then pause at the door. I knock twice then turn the handle and let myself in. Peeta is already up and sitting in the same seat as last night. He's staring at his bandaged hands but looks up when he hears my footsteps. 'Katniss,' he starts 'I'm so sorr…' I brush away his apologies. 'No need. How are you feeling today?' His blue eyes meet mine and I can already that he is back to being himself, for now. 'In control' he says quietly. 'How are your hands?' I ask leaning over to inspect the bandages. His left hand looks ok but there is blood seeping through the white crepe on his right. 'Sore' he says, looking sheepish. 'Let me take a look' I say unwinding the bandage on the right. It is till bleeding. 'You might need stitches' I say, worried. 'But there's no healer here anymore.' Peeta shrugs. 'I'm sure it'll be fine.' I'm not convinced. 'No, I say, come with me.' I lead him outside and across to my house. I sit him down in the kitchen and reach for the phone. My mother answers after the first ring, a little breathless. I guess she's still assuming any call will be bad news. 'It's me' I say. 'Katniss, are you ok?' she asks, sounding worried. 'I'm fine' I assure her 'but Peeta's had an accident and cut his hand. I think it might need stitches how can I tell?' She asks me questions about the wound, what made it, where exactly it is, its depth. I get Peeta to change seats so I can talk to her and examine his hands at the same time. I need both hands at one point so he has to hold the phone to my ear with his left hand as I gently probe his right. 'It sounds like he hasn't cut any tendons but he will need stiches to stop the bleeding and let it heal properly' my mother says down the phone. 'Do you know where everything is?' 'Everything but he antiseptic' I say. She explains which vial of clear liquid should be used to sterilise the needle, and which to clean his hand. She even tells me which can be used to numb the pain but Peeta can hear her say this and gently shakes his head. I run off the get the supplies leaving Peeta to talk to my mother. He actually does too. I would have just held the phone and said nothing but when I return he's nodding away, listening to her talk about her new life in District 4. He returns the phone to my ear and I perform the most ridiculous surgery ever, as he holds the phone so I can hear my Mother's instructions on how to sew him back together again. I don't know how he manages but he doesn't flinch once, even though I don't manage to be nearly as gentle as I want to be. In the end there is a reasonably neat row of little stitches that I clean and rebandage. Peeta passes the phone back to me and I thank my mother and promise to call again soon.

We just sit there in silence for a while. At some point I get up and boil water for tea. I don't ask Peeta if he wants any but make him a cup anyway. I don't have to ask how he likes it, I already know. It's strange, I think to myself, that we know so much about each other in some ways and nothing in others. But then some days I don't seem to know much about myself, what I want, what I need. I suppose it's worse for Peeta, he can't even trust his own memories. I put the mug of tea down in front of him and he takes a sip, managing to lift it by carefully cupping it between his bandaged palms.

For some bizarre reason I'm suddenly angry at him. 'You can't do this again' I say. He looks up to meet my eyes, confused. 'You can't hurt yourself. No knives.' He opens his mouth to explain but I already know. I understand a little of his coping mechanisms from our time in the Capitol. 'I mean it Peeta, no knives. I get that you need something to focus on, that the pain helps, but no knives. You'll hurt yourself too badly and I can't keep patching you up. The handcuffs, I understood but this, this is too much. I can't keep fixing you. I can't.' I find myself repeating this over again. No knives, I can't, I can't, no knives. Without meaning to I realise I'm crying. Peeta pulls me into his lap and I cry there, in his arms. He doesn't say anything until I've stopped sobbing and am breathing again, albeit raggedly. 'Ok' he says. 'I'll talk to Dr Aurelius and we'll figure something out, something I can use. No more knives, I promise.' Our eyes meet and though I don't quite know what passes between us I feel we've made progress somehow. I nod and slip off his lap. We drink the rest of our tea in silence.

At some point Greasy Sae turns up to make me breakfast. At first she smiles when she sees us sitting there, drinking tea like any other friends or couple might do. Then she notices the thin line of red seeping through Peeta's bandage. 'Oh, lad' she sighs. 'What have you done?' Peeta smiles weakly. 'It's ok Sae, I'm ok. Katniss stitched me up.' Greasy Sae rolled her eyes and looked at me. 'Well, who knew you could be a healer?' she asked. I actually smiled a little. 'I had to phone my mum' I admit. This makes her chuckle and Peeta and I can't help smiling a little too.

Sae makes us breakfast and I notice that she gives Peeta the best bits of the bacon. I have to cut them for him, which makes him flush with embarrassment but I tell him it's ok, that we'll all have to help each other out sometimes. I point out that after spending two days cleaning Haymitch's house he's earned some care for himself. He thanks me for this and lets me feed him. Sae puts a stew on so we'll have something for lunch too as it's clear they'll be no fresh bread this morning and no fresh meat this afternoon. She actually kisses the top of Peeta's head before she leaves saying 'take care, boy' before bustling out.

He smiles but looks sad. 'I didn't even really know her before' he says wistfully. 'But now she seems to really care.'

I nod. 'She does. It's because you're nice.' He frowns a little and asks me. 'Am I?' I can tell it's a genuine question. 'Yes you are' I say seriously. I feel I should say something to lighten the mood then, make a joke, but nothing comes to me. That was always Peeta's role, to say the right thing at the right time. The moment passes though. I get up and stretch, wondering what to do with myself. Peeta is obviously thinking the same thing. 'We should probably go see Haymitch. He'll be pretty drunk by now but I don't want him undoing everything I've fixed over the past couple of days.' I note the word "we". He doesn't want me to leave him just yet. He doesn't want to be on his own. That's fine. 'OK' I say and we traipse across to the hell hole that is Haymitch's personal domain.

Haymitch is actually not as bad as I thought he would be. He'd already finished off the bottle he'd donated part of to Peeta's hand last night but he still hasn't started another one. He's slumped in a chair looking thoughtful. 'Stopped bleeding yet?' he asks Peeta roughly as we walk in without knocking. Peeta's only response is to wave his hands in Haymitch's face. Haymitch looks closely the red line, that hasn't spread any further and nods, satisfied.

We start trying to clear up a bit but it's clear that Peeta is too sore to lift or even touch anything, so he mostly directs me. I rinse the empty bottle and add to a line of other empty liquor containers. The glass is good, it would be silly to waste it. I throw leftover food scraps into a bin in the back yard, which is mostly full of broken furniture, and wipe down one of the kitchen surfaces. I can't face any of the others, the layers of filth are too think for the cloth I have. Haymitch even helps a bit at one point, smearing the floor with a bucket of water and a cloth.

After a couple of hours, Peeta gets up. 'I need to go have a nap' he says. Haymitch and I both stop and look at him. 'What?' he asks, a smile playing around his lips. 'I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.' I feel uncomfortable but Haymitch laughs, a big belly laugh. He claps Peeta on the shoulder and I can see from Peeta's face that it was meant to be a joke. Sometimes I wonder how these two men get on, because they always have, even though they are so different. I suppose it goes back to that thing of having seen each other at their worst. There are no secrets left between them now.

Peeta walks towards the door, but stops and frowns. It takes me a moment to work out that he can't turn the handle. I drop the cloth and open it for him, then dash down the path to open his door for him too. It's only as I'm helping him into bed that I realise that I didn't say goodbye to Haymitch. I suppose he knows me well enough by now not to expect any manners.

I stay with Peeta until he falls asleep again then go looking for something else to do. It's too late to go to the woods but I walk into town to see how things are progressing. Rubble is clearing and foundations are beginning to be marked out. I don't want to speak to anyone so I duck behind buildings if I see anyone I know. There are about thirty people working in the main square, some of whom I know, like Thom, other who I don't. They must be from 13 or one of the other districts.

I amble home, help myself to some food then fall asleep on the couch.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't wake until morning and realise someone has put a blanket over me. It must have been Greasy Sae because breakfast has been made and there are two plates laid out on the table. In a flash I remember Peeta and run across to get him. I find him trying to dress himself and try to help but he brushes me off. He follows me back to my house for breakfast though and we eat ravenously, both of us having missed dinner the previous night.

The next few days carry on the same way. I helped Peeta dress and eat. We clean for Haymitch, who presents himself in various states of inebriation. Peeta clearly misses baking and gets a bit ratty without his usual release. One day he tries to teach me to make bread. He tells me exactly what ingredients to use, checks I measure them properly and stands behind me, breathing down my neck as I attempt to knead the dough. I clearly am not doing it right but I enjoy the feel of his breath, the closeness of his chest to my back. He tries reaching around me to guide my hands but it hurts him too much so he stops and goes back to monitoring me.

The bread is a disaster. It smells ok but hasn't risen properly. I made three loaves, one of which I use to wake Haymitch up from a drunken stupor by aiming it at his head. He claims he is concussed for a while but at least I get a smile out of Peeta. One I give to Sae when she comes to make breakfast and she has a good old chuckle too. The third I break into pieces and throw out into the road for a pair of passing geese to eat. They seem happy too so maybe my one and only attempt at baking bread wasn't a complete failure.

The next day we try cookies instead as Peeta says they are more dependent on ingredients and less on skill. He's right and these turn out well. I feel strangely proud as I share them around our little community and send Greasy Sae home with some for her family. The sense of contentment I get from this little domestic victory contrasts sharply with the ghoulish nightmares I have that night. Faces of my friends and family haunt me, but their sufferings are all mixed up. Prim is eaten by mutts, Rue burns and Cinna is shot through the eye with an arrow.

I wake up screaming but Peeta is there to hold me, stroking my hair from my face with his thumb. He holds me all night and I sleep soundly. When I wake he is watching me and I feel sure that he hasn't allowed himself a wink of sleep just in case the nightmares take him too. We go to Haymitch's that afternoon and they both fall asleep in chairs. I shake my head at them, amused. Watching them sleep I ponder their relationship again. In many ways Haymitch is more like me, prickly and difficult. He perhaps had more reason to be when we first met but I think since then my reasons have mounted up. I wonder if I'm getting more or less prickly because of this. Peeta is different. When we first met he wouldn't let Haymitch give up and our mentor's insults and indifference didn't seem to wound him. Physically they actually look quite similar these days. Haymitch is still a bit taller and more weathered but Peeta is catching up. And they both have the blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I like Peeta's eyes more though. They may be the same colour but they feel different. They make me feel different.

It's Peeta who has nightmares the next two nights. The first time Haymitch goes to him and I wait on the steps outside, but they're just nightmares, not flashbacks. Just nightmares, I wonder how I can think that when I know how real my own night terrors feel to me. The second night I get there first and wake him with gentle words and caresses, holding him til he falls back to a dreamless sleep.

The next day Peeta doesn't join me for breakfast and Greasy Sae says she passed him heading into town. An hour or so later a skinny teenage boy that I don't recognise comes running into the Victor's village calling for Haymitch. I hurry to put my shoes on and run out. Haymitch, who sleeps in his chair, clothed and shoed, is ahead of me but I catch him when he stops running to puke by the side of the path. The boy explains that "Mr Mellark" is having a fit in the town and I keep running, my lungs burning for lack of oxygen. When I get there I find Thom restraining Peeta in front of the charred remains of the Bakery. Someone grabs me and pulls me back too, I don't see who. I kick and scream but whoever it is is stronger than me. When Haymitch arrives I see him talk Peeta down. When Thom releases him he sinks to the floor. Haymitch gestures for me to come over and my arms are released from behind my back. I run to him without turning and drop to the floor next to him. His hands are curled into tight fists and I worry that he has burst his stitches but I don't want to check until we get home. Haymitch and I help him, one of us under each arm. Peeta doesn't say anything the whole way home and neither do we. We take him to my house so I can check his hands. It isn't as bad as I'd feared. When I rinse them I can see red crescents from his nails digging in but the stitches are intact on his right hand and his left is actually healing well. I clean them and wrap them and lead him up to my bed where I tuck him in. He sleeps fitfully all day and for most of the night. I check on him through the day but at night, when the emotions of the day catch up to me, I simply crawl into bed beside him, nestling up against his back.

In the morning he is angry that I stayed, that I made the decision that he was safe. But as I'm fine I tell him I'm not sorry and that at least sleeping together neither of us had nightmares. We don't speak for the rest of the day but when I wake from my nightmares in the early hours the next day, he is there, stroking my hair to sooth me.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day I check Peeta's hands again and give him the all clear to use his left. He attempts making bread one handed. I like the look of concentration on his face as he determinedly kneads the dough, having to turn slightly sideways on to the kitchen counter to do it. The bread isn't as good as his usual produce but it's a hell of a lot better than my feeble attempt. Being able to bake again puts him in a much better mood though and he whistles tunelessly while he works. I must laugh out loud as he turns to me and asks me 'What?' I shrug and say that I don't understand how anyone can be so tone deaf. He pretends to be cross and flicks dough at me. It's a good day.

We all take turns caring for each other. Some days I wake up screaming and Peeta strokes my hair and holds me in his strong arms so I calm down and sleep peacefully. Some days Haymitch drinks particularly hard and is particularly ill. I must admit that Peeta usually cleans him up too but I always make sure to bring him some of whatever Greasy Sae has cooked for me. Haymitch and I take turns with Peeta. If he has nightmares, I hold his hand or press my body against his. If he has an episode Haymitch usually takes control in case my presence makes it worse, but increasingly I don't let him.

My mother calls me one day to tell me to take Peeta's stiches out. I run across to get him and find him painting. The canvas is turned away from me so I can't see it. He follows me back to my house and we repeat our previous surgical procedures, he holds the phone and I careful pick out the stitches according to my mother's precise instructions. When I'm done she makes me pass the phone to him and I can hear her giving him strict warnings about what he is and isn't allowed to do. He says 'yes Mrs Everdene' and thanks her with a grave sincerity. He tells her that even if he can't use his hand properly for a while he can at least already hold a paintbrush again and is feeling much better. I wonder what he is painting.

I find out about a week later after he has an episode. It is an unusual one as it is just before dinner, not late at night or in the early hours of the morning. I get to his door first but Haymitch catches up to me and pushes me roughly away. 'This one's mine, sweetheart' he says, leaving no room for argument. 'Why?' I ask, not to challenge him, just because I don't understand though it comes out sounding harsher than I intend. 'Didn't you see the news?' he asks. I shake my head. I never turn the television on. In my whole life I've never seen anything on it that hasn't made my existence harder or more miserable. 'What was on it?' I ask, terrified there has been some disastrous news from the Capitol, that war has broken out again or more bombs will be dropped. Haymitch replies with only one word. 'Gale.'

I understand why it needs to be him that deals with Peeta this time. I slump down outside wishing he hadn't told me. I can't deal with thinking about Gale yet, what he meant to me, what he did to Prim. I can't think about Prim right now either. I want to run away, run away to the woods and scream but I can hear Peeta upstairs, hear him shouting and something hitting the wall and shattering. I can't go until I know he's ok.

I sit there until Sae comes out and physically drags me home. She sits me at the table and says 'eat'. I do, as she is standing over me, but I don't taste a single mouthful. Haymitch comes over after I've finished and jerks his head indicating that its ok for me to go over now. He sits himself down in my empty seat and helps himself to the food that is left. I walk slowly over to Peeta's. I want to see him, but at the same time I dread what he'll say. I can't talk about Gale, not yet. Not to him, not to anybody, not even to myself. I find him in his room. He is painting again, or to be more accurate, looking at two paintings. 'Can I see?' I ask quietly. He frowns and thinks for a moment. 'I don't mind if you look, but you might not be ready' he says thoughtfully. I like that he has given me the choice. I'm sick of people telling me what I shouldn't do. I take his words seriously. I don't know if I'm ready either as I don't know what they are. If he had just said no I would definitely have looked. 'How about a cup of tea first and maybe you can show me later?' I suggest. Peeta nods. He is still shaking from his fit so I keep my hand on his arm as we go down to the kitchen. We make tea together as we have many times before. I boil the water in the pan as he can't lift it with his hand, and he gets the mugs and tea leaves. We take our cups through and sit on his sofa. I tuck my feet up and lean against him. He sighs and we sit comfortably for a while but I'm leaning against his arm and he can't drink his tea so eventually he asks me to move. Moving just inches away feels unbearably hard. I ask if he wants food and offer to bring some from home. He shakes his head and instead asks me to bring a plate in from the kitchen that has a tea towel covering it. It's cookies and he starts munching his way through the whole plate. I question if cookies is enough for dinner. He glowers at me and says darkly. 'I've survived two hunger games, torture and a war. I f I want to have cookies for dinner, I will.' I can't help but laugh.

When he's finished we go back upstairs. He must be feeling better as when I climb into bed with him he doesn't tell me off or make me promise to leave. We simply curl up together and sleep the whole night though. In the morning I wake first. I get up as I notice that his bedside table is upside down on the other side of the room. He must have hurled it there during his fit. I go to pick it up and put it back. One of the legs has broken but I think I can easily mend it, though I might need to borrow some tools from Haymitch or Thom. As I examine it I look up and see what was on the two canvases.

He was right. I'm not ready.


	5. Chapter 5

Staring back at me are two different paintings of Prim.

They are completely different, having only the subject and the fact that neither is finished in common. I must cry out because Peeta comes rushing to me. He had taken his artificial leg off to sleep so he has to hop, which I know he hates, but within seconds he has enveloped me in a strong hug. 'I'm sorry' he says over and over. 'I should have warned you, I'm sorry.'

I am torn. Part of me wants to run and hit something. Part of me wants to curl up into a tiny little ball and cry, but I can't tear my eyes away. I flit back and forward between the two pictures as Peeta holds me. The one on the left is of Prim as a young girl, looking through the window of the bakery at the cakes. The one on the right is of her much older. It's a proper portrait so it's only her head and shoulders but it looks like she is wearing a medical coat and her face and hair indicate Peeta has captured her in district 13. I don't realise that I'm crying until he wipes a tear from my cheek with his bandage. He guides me back over to the bed, though I have to support him on his one leg, and we collapse on to it. This is when I really start sobbing. I miss her so much. The sweet little girl she was and the brilliant, capable woman she was becoming. I sob and sob. At some point I realise Peeta is crying too. We stay like this, crying in each other's arms until we are physically exhausted.

I break away first and return to the paintings. I turn them around so we can see them from the bed then return to Peeta's embrace. I study them both some more. There's a dark, shadowy figure behind Prim in the bakery picture. 'Is that me?' I ask. Peeta frowns. 'I don't know yet.' I'm puzzled by his answer and turn to look at him questioningly. He looks afraid that he'll break me but now we've gone down this path I have to follow it all the way. He sees the look of resolve on my face and explains. 'It was going to be at first. I mean, I paint you so often it seemed obvious. But this isn't about you, this is about Prim and my memories of her. I wanted to remember her properly so I started to paint her from sketches I did in the hospital. But then I couldn't shake the memories of how I first knew her, her excited eyes looking through the bakery window, and though I remember you being with her lots of times, in my first memories of her she's with your father, so I think it's him in the painting, not you.'

I'm silent as I take all this in. I miss both my father and my sister. It hits me suddenly that I'm not the only one who misses Prim. She was my whole world for so long, everything I did was to take care of her, but she reached out to so many people. I should have realised this before. 'Is that why you planted the Primrose bushes, for her? Not for me?' I ask. Peeta tilts his head and thinks. 'A bit of both, but mostly for her. It felt strange coming back here and not having her to greet me, lonelier.'

I felt so stupid that this hadn't occurred to me before. I had been ignoring Peeta for most of the year between Games because of my guilt and confusion, but Prim would never have done that. She was so kind and caring. She would have said hello if they bumped into each other in the street, and asked how he was. He was the same. He wouldn't have held a grudge against my little sister just because I had stomped on his heart. I suddenly wonder what they talked about and what they meant to each other. I ask him.

Peeta explains chronologically. 'When I first saw her staring through the window she was looking at my cakes, the ones I had decorated. She had this look of awe on her face. It was the best compliment I'd ever received. Mostly Mum criticised anything I did and Dad and my brothers weren't exactly impressed by the little fairy cakes I'd made. I think the first time, Dad just put them in the window to humour me, make me feel useful even though I was the youngest, weakest one of us. But when I saw Prim's face I was so proud. So proud that I'd created something that brought someone else so much joy. She wasn't the only one, that's why I was allowed to keep making them, but she was the one that stuck with me. I wonder if even then I noticed her because I knew she was your sister. I guess she would have been about five or six then, so I'd have had a crush on you for maybe four or five years. But no, that's not true, I think I'd have remembered her anyway. I didn't actually speak to her until after we got back from the games. Then I couldn't not, we were neighbours and she was your sister and whether we liked it or not, we were thrown together a lot. She was always kind to me, even when you couldn't even look at me. She thanked me once, for loving you enough to bring you home safely to her, even if I got hurt in the process. That little girl really was wise beyond her years. She used to bring me flowers, primroses when they were is season, she made a point of telling me that she was named for them. If not, sometimes Daisies or Cowslip. She always made up pretty little bouquets with leaves and twigs. To say thank you I made her little cakes iced with the same flowers. Her smile when I gave them to her was amazing. I suppose she remembered looking through the shop window as much as I remembered her doing it. After the tour, when you and I were getting on better and I came over more often she and I talked more. She'd tell me about school and sometimes ask me for help with her homework. She never had a bad word to say about you but I got the impression she didn't think you were much good at maths.'

I laugh at this. I'm really not though I did try. Peeta continued. 'I'd been taking money and giving change in the bakery since I was her age so I was quick with numbers, and often gave her a hand. Your mother used to look at me strangely when I did though, I don't know why. Maybe she hadn't forgiven me for falling for you, maybe she wanted to help Prim herself. Maybe I just reminded her too much of my Dad. Prim said she liked me though, and she wouldn't have lied.'

At this point he sighs and looks over at the other painting, the one of an older Primrose Everdene. I feel the muscles in his core tense under my hands. He takes a deep breath before he can carry on. 'After I'd been hijacked, well I can't really explain without thinking about it, and I'm still not ready to do that yet, let's just say it was horrific. Well, you saw me, I tried to kill you, you know all this.' I do. I know very well. But there isn't anything to say that can take away his pain so I simply draw him closer to me and hope that expresses what I'm trying to say.

He continues. 'The first visitor they let me have was Delly. She was, well, she was Delly. She talked about home and silly things we'd done as children. I was awful to her when she mentioned you but she kept coming back anyway, relentlessly cheerful however nasty I was. Then Haymitch came. That was worse as he was so closely linked to my memories of you. I knew he had chosen to protect you in the first games, I knew he had lied to me about what was happening during the Quell, so I found myself hating him. I was so angry. I hate thinking back to how I treated him, the things I accused him of. But he was so patient with me. Don't get me wrong, he was still a complete jerk, but whatever I did, whatever I said, he kept coming back, kept talking me through flashback after flashback. I really can't thank him enough for what he did for me.' He took another deep breath. 'Then there was Prim. I don't know how she got it past the Doctors, but she must have fought to have been allowed in. She was so connected to you that, like Haymitch, I was painfully cruel with her. I can't tell you how perfect she was. How kind, how patient, how forgiving. She would sit with me for hours, just holding my hand, if I didn't lash out. She was the only one who could talk about you to me without me fitting. She was so sweet, and clearly adored you so completely that I couldn't reconcile the visions I had based on what the Capitol Doctors had shown me and what she said. I honestly couldn't have recovered without her. Hey!' He paused as I had thrown my head into his lap and was convulsing with dry sobs. I couldn't cry anymore but it was unbearable. The pain of losing Prim, realising just how much I had to thank her for. The thought that I might never have got Peeta back.

I don't know how long I sobbed for, or how long Peeta was soothing me until I actually heard his voice and made sense of his words. I look up and saw how concerned he looked. I must have looked terrible, my eyes swollen and red, my nose streaming. Even so, he pulls me in and gently kisses my forehead. 'It's ok' he whispers. 'Nothing can hurt her now.'

'Thank you' I whisper back. 'Thank you for loving my sister.' He kisses the top of me head as he holds me. It may not sound like it, but this is a good day too. It hurts, but it is good.


	6. Chapter 6

I wake early but Peeta is already out of bed. I roll over to see he's already put his leg on and is standing at the window looking out. He looks content so I just watch him until he looks over at me. When he sees I'm awake he beckons me over. 'Come and look at the sky, it's the most beautiful shade of pink' he says. I frown. 'Pink sky in the morning, hunter's warning' I say darkly. He watches the colours change but it's cold and I want his warmth next to me so I cajole him to come back to bed.

We spend a pleasant hour snuggling under the blankets until we hear a door bang and get up as it means Greasy Sae has come to make us breakfast. She knows what the sky means too and cooks up a huge amount of food in case she can't get back later or the next day. She's right, as by lunch time the sky is dark and thunder rumbles in the distance. It is a beast of a storm and it is bad for all of us.

The first problem is that the lightning seems to be a trigger for Peeta, who has several fits throughout the afternoon, evening and into the night. Haymitch and I take turns with him but it's exhausting for all of us and Peeta makes his hand bleed again. The storm rages through the night. I have so many nightmares I lose count and we even get woken up by Haymitch shouting from the sofa where he fell asleep as the rain was too heavy for him to make it the ten steps home. The rain is why he says he stays anyway, though I suspect the real reason is in case Peeta needs him. I don't know what to do with Haymitch so Peeta goes down and calms him the best he can. He gets a knife thrown at him for his troubles. There's no alcohol in my house so at some point Haymitch steals a blanket, holds it over his head and dashes back home to get to his liquor.

The next day is no better. I hate being cooped up and not able to go hunting, so I know I am being horrible but I can't help it and don't care. Peeta's flashbacks get worse. I'm not helping as I'm too grumpy, probably too like the Katniss the Capitol wanted him to see. He gets increasingly anxious that he'll hurt me, so he dashes through the rain back to his own home too and locks the door so I can't follow him. Alone, I am even worse. I smash a vase against a wall for no particular reason, then roam around the house trying to burn off some energy. At some point Buttercup turns up absolutely sodden. He looks so ridiculous I smile and wrap him in an old towel but even the drowned cat can't keep me entertained for long.

I get so bored I actually call my therapist, Dr Aurelius. He sounds very surprised to hear from me. Probably because I have never once, in my months of "treatment" made any effort to contact him or any other medical professional, my mother excepting. I have only spoken to him once and that was when I happened to be at Peeta's when he phoned and Peeta made me talk to him. I think the entire conversation was monosyllabic from my end. Right now I'm too wound up to talk about myself so I shout at him for not taking care of Peeta properly. I accuse him of being incompetent and rant about Peeta's fits and hands for a while. Dr Aurelius calmly asks me if Peeta has cut himself again and I relent a little and say no, that he's kept his promise of no knives. I confide in him that I'm worried though, that he needs something to hold on to, something to ground him. Dr Aurelius promises to give it some thought but says he can't discuss Peeta anymore due to Doctor-Patient confidentiality. He asks if Peeta is there with me and I explain about the storm and how we've all annoyed, scared and exhausted each other too much to be in the same house anymore. He asks what I usually do when I'm stuck at home. I think about this carefully. It's only ever happened once before, when I hurt my foot and Peeta and I worked on my family plant book. I remember that as a happy time. An oasis of peace in between periods of terror. I wonder aloud if Peeta does too or if the Capitol Doctors somehow had access to that and used it against him. Dr Aurelius reminds me about Doctor-Patient confidentiality and then promptly breaks his own rules by telling me that the Capitol clearly didn't know about that, or had no video footage of it so Peeta does fondly remember the time he spent in my room drawing in the book. He suggests that we carry on with it. I can't seem to get excited about plants though. I can't focus on them when there are so many other thoughts and people struggling for space inside my head. I wonder if maybe I need a book for all the people. Dr Aurelius thinks this is a good idea and promises to send me a book. Fat lot of good it will do, I tell him. To get the book I'll have to go to the station. To get to the station the storm will have to end and it's the storm that is driving me crazy.

He stays calm, even when I shout at him. I suppose he's used to dealing with crazy people. For him my manic mood swings are just another day at the office.

The storm lasts three days. Haymitch and Peeta both return to my house at some point. This is less to do with my charming personality and more to do with the fact that I have all the food that Sae had cooked. We decamp to Peeta's later though as he decides to bake again. It's warmer over there with the oven going full blast and somehow it's harder to me miserable when enveloped in the smell of fresh bread. Maybe that's why Peeta used to be so chirpy. But then his Mother worked in the bakery too and she was a sour old... No, I stop that thought there. I didn't know her, that isn't fair.

The baking calms Peeta down too, gives him something to focus on. He only has one attack when a bolt of lightening hits nearby, probably a flashback from the arena. He breaks a mug during it but I calm him down quite quickly. I think I can stick the handle back on too so even the mug won't stay broken. Haymitch relaxes as the liquor soaks through him so by the end it's only me who is going totally stir crazy. When I wake to the first clear day I grab my bow and run all the way to the woods, even though in my haste I left my bra on Peeta's floor and running is uncomfortable. The woods smell beautiful, the rain making everything fresh, though my usual paths are boggy and difficult to navigate. I manage to shoot three squirrels though, and return home tired from the running and my legs sore from wading through mud, but much more relaxed.

When I get back Peeta has been to the station and has a box from Dr Aurelius addressed to us both. I'm covered with mud so he makes me shower before opening it.


	7. Chapter 7

The box contains a beautiful book filled with thick, textured paper. It is square and the cover is a dark blue. The box also contains a shiny black fountain pen and plenty of refill ink, some lead pencils, coloured pencils and a box of watercolours. Peeta is excited by these as he usually paints in oil. He says these might be better for painting sunsets. After we've unpacked the box we get stuck. Neither of us know how to start this painful cataloguing of memories.

Peeta suggests we each write a list of who we want to go in it so that's what we do. Haymitch comes in and find us sitting at Peeta's kitchen table each with a piece of paper in front of us. We're both chewing our pencils as this is harder than it sounds. My paper so far reads: Prim, Rue, Cinna, Finnick, Mags, Wiress, Dad, Thresh, Foxface. I am stuck trying to think about the other tributes from the games, how I feel about them. I feel they should be remembered but some of them I feared and hated. Some of their names I still don't know or can't recall however hard I try. We explain to Haymitch what we are doing. I think for a moment that he is going to laugh but instead he grabs a piece of paper and a pen and starts making his own list of names.

We all know that these lists will grow but we start talking about who we wrote down first, who are the people that haunt us most. Mine is Prim, obviously, though I'm touched that she is on both Peeta and Haymitch's lists too. Haymitch put Masilee Donner first, again not surprisingly as she had been inthe arena with him. Peeta had started with his Dad. I am hit by the sudden realisation that I know so little about Peeta's family. I'm not even sure I know his brother's names, though he clearly loved my sister, and that strikes me as so utterly horrific. I traded with his father, squirrels for bread, I thought him a kind man, but how can there be so much more I don't know? Why did I never think to ask Peeta? Why didn't I care?

I feel myself losing it so I get up and leave without saying anything, trying not to run. I go back to my house and without consciously thinking about it, pick up the phone and call my mother. She is getting used to my unpredictable phone calls now and sounds less panicked when she hears my voice. I explain about the book, and about Peeta's father. I tell her I want to know more about him, what he was like, so I can grieve with Peeta, for Peeta. She says that the book sounds like a wonderful idea then pauses, trying to collect her thoughts about her long distant boyfriend.

She sighs and says. 'To be honest, it's not that hard. If you want to know what Ray was like just look at Peeta. Ray had the same sparkling blue eyes, the same kindness and compassion. I don't know Peeta that well and I've only met in him difficult circumstances, but from what I've seen they have the same sense of humour as well, gentle but funny. Ray always knew just the right words to say, how to make me feel better. He was like that even when I was leaving him, even after I'd left. Ray wasn't determined in the same way that Peeta is though. He was just as thoughful but perhaps not as driven or brave. Though, in the end both of them have always been willing to sacrifice their own happiness for the people they love.'

This hurts me in a way I don't understand. I sink to the floor, crying. My Mother apologises and tries to calm me down, but she is just a distant voice at the end of the line and there's not much she can do. Peeta comes in to find me like this, sobbing with the phone dangling next to me. He sits down next to me a pulls me into his arms before picking up the phone and saying 'Hello' uncertainly, not sure who it is I've been talking to. I hate myself more because I was trying to do this to help him and yet again he's helping me. My mother obviously explains what we were talking about and tells him the same things she told me. He thanks her and I can hear his voice catching. When I hear the click of my mother hanging up he releases the phone and lets it dangle there while he cries quietly into my hair. I want to console him, to make him feel better. I lift my head and look into his eyes. 'Why were you crying?' he asks me, hesitantly. I suppose he knows why he is upset, but can't see why I am.

'For you' I say simply as I reach up to kiss him.

I kiss him softly on the lips, trying to sooth him. It takes a few kisses before he reacts and responds. Gradually his lips begin to move against mine, equally gently. I've cried myself out now and can inhale the scent of him. He smells of soap and spices. Our lips part and slowly our tongues begin to explore each other's mouths. We've kissed before, more passionately than this, but this feels more intimate than anything we've ever shared. Despite all the kisses we've exchanged, those for the camera and those for ourselves, this feels like the first time. Maybe now we've been through so much we are different people and this is our first kiss as us, how we are now. I get lost in Peeta's lips, mouth and breath, and don't hear the door opening. I don't know how long Haymitch is watching us before he coughs, not subtly. Peeta jumps a little and we both blush. Silly, given how involved in our love life Haymitch has been from the start. This was different though. That kiss was just for us. It wasn't for the cameras, or the sponsors or to save my family. I kissed Peeta because all I'd wanted to do in that moment was kiss him.

Haymitch laughs. 'Well, I wondered what was so important that you both ran out on me.' He sighed, mockingly. 'Ah, young love.' Peeta tries to glare at him but is smiling too much to really pull it off. He gets up, puts the phone back on the hook and offers me a hand to help me up too. For some perverse reason I refuse it and push myself up independently. This makes him smile even more, which makes me scowl, which makes him smile. Haymitch just shakes his head and walks out muttering to himself. We don't see him again until dinner.

That night I feel strangely embarrassed as I get ready for bed. Peeta and I have shared a bed almost every night for the past couple of months. We've got changed in front of each other, pressed our bodies up against each other and talked about our deepest fears together well into the night as we've traced the outlines of each other's scars under the blankets. But somehow after the kiss earlier it feels different. I turn away as I pull my top over my head and wonder what he expects from me as I climb into bed next to him. I think he can read this in my eyes as he leans in to kiss me again, then pulls away, extends his arm and beckons me onto his chest to a position we often fall asleep in. Neither of us have nightmares that night and, in the morning, as the sun peeks in at the window, I wake the man sleeping next to me with more kisses.


	8. Chapter 8

The book starts with Prim. Peeta and Haymitch decide this without me and I'm glad. Then Peeta's Dad, then the rest of his family. Next is Masilee for Haymitch and then my Father. Rue comes next, then Finnick, Mags, and Wiress. I write all the names carefully at the top of each page but we don't start filling things in yet. There is no rush and it seems important to get what we say right.

Haymitch, who had seemed to be doing well, retreats for a while. Peeta visits him every day and reports that he is spending a lot of time going through old news reports and pictures. Mostly he isn't doing well as his liquor supply is running low and he's watering it down. I guess he can feel the edge of things again.

I return from hunting one day with a turkey and am plucking it on the front step, which Buttercup is enjoying greatly. Peeta comes out from Haymitch's and laughs at me. I assume that it is because I am covered in feathers but he gestures for me to follow him back to Haymitch's. 'Leave the bird' he says, his eyes sparkling. I wrap it back in my game bag to at least slow Buttercup in getting to it and follow Peeta through Haymitch's house and into the yard. Haymitch is sprawled on the ground next to a broken table. Peeta smiles at points at what is under the table. I can see the two geese I fed with my rock bread hiding under it. Their beady little eyes are staring out, and Haymitch's beady little eyes are staring straight back at them. He seems transfixed. 'They sheltered here during the storm' Peeta explains 'and they seem to like it.' I can't help but smile. 'Well, we did say Haymitch should get a pet' I reply. Haymitch doesn't turn round but introduces me to his geese anyway. 'The one on the left is Maximillian, the one on the right is Aurora. Max has broken his wing so can't fly and Aurora refuses to leave him. Sound familiar to either of you crazy kids?'

I don't like what he is implying, even though I don't know whether it me or Peeta that's supposed to be the bird with the broken wing. I storm off back to my turkey, just in time as Buttercup has flipped my bag over and has nearly got his nose into it. He's mad at me for a while but forgives me when I give him part of the roasted leg later that night.

We are all doing so much better that I tell Greasy Sae that she doesn't need to come every day anymore. Not that I won't miss her company, but I'm going in to town more, as is Peeta, so I can see her there. She is wary though and refuses, saying if it's all the same she'll keep stopping by just the same. I tell her I'll send word if I need her but she laughs at me. 'If you need me, you won't be able to get out of bed, you daft girl. I've seen how you can get.' She has and it's true and however much I scowl I can't deny it. We come to an agreement that if I check in every day, she won't come the next. Checking in can be in person if I'm in town, via a messenger or I can phone the station, the only place outside the Victor's village with this service, and they can send word to Sae. If she doesn't hear from me one day, or see me for a few, she'll come over assuming I'm in a mood and in need of feeding. This is a good system and it works well. She was right, if I am too down to cook I'm also too down to call anyone and if that happens to coincide with Peeta having an episode so he can't look after me, then it's nice that she turns up and cooks us a stew, prattling on about town gossip as she goes.

There is plenty of gossip these days. More people are gradually moving back. Most of the refugees who went to 13 have returned, bringing some of the 13 inhabitants with them, and quite a few have wandered over from 11. There is even a small group from 7 who originally came with a shipment of timber for the rebuilding, stayed to show the local builders the quirks of the foreign wood and then just stayed. No one has come from the inner districts yet but I suppose over time people will diffuse all over Panem. Not me though, I'm staying here. I am walking back from town one day, thinking about this, about all the new people I've met. When I get back to the village I go straight to Peeta's to tell him something Thom said, but when I open the door he is in the kitchen bent double and grasping the back of a chair. His breathing is erratic and his eyes unfocussed but still blue. He's holding on, I think. I go over to him and gently rub his back. 'It's ok, Peeta, I'm right here, it's ok' I say over and over again. I can see his mouth trying to form words but they're not audible so I keep stroking and reach down to kiss the top of his head. 'Just hold on, it's ok' I whisper in his ear. When he stops shaking I turn around to make tea.

Even after all this time, I'm sometimes unsure of the etiquette of the situation. Should I ask what caused the episode or not? He no longer asks me about my nightmares, knowing I'll talk if I want to and won't if I don't, but these fits are still different. They're something external that was done to him on purpose and they are so heavily centred on me that I know it's harder for him to explain to me what he sees. I make the tea, put the cups on the table and sit down, waiting until he is ready to join me. He is no longer seeing visions, I can tell, but is still breathing heavily and gripping the back of the chair. When he lets go and sinks into it we run through our ritual of me checking his hands. His left is ok, his right still a little sore but I don't need to clean it, I'll just re-bandage it later. The bandages and antiseptic are no longer at my house but are stored in a cupboard here now.

I don't ask but Peeta volunteers the information anyway. 'Gale called' he said. I spit out a mouthful of tea. 'What? When? Why?' I splutter. Peeta smiles sadly at my discomfort. 'Gale called, about an hour ago, he wanted to talk to me about the new government and to ask how you were.'

I narrow my eyes. 'What did you tell him?' I ask nervously.

'That I can't be part of it, not yet anyway, maybe never. The Capitol is just not a place I can be easily. I suggested Thom as a good representative from District 12. I'll go talk to him about it tomorrow. I told him that you were doing better. That I think you're going to be ok.'

I nod. 'Ok. Did he say anything else?' not sure what I want to hear.

Peeta nodded. 'He said he's thinking of visiting sometime, but he doesn't know if he's ready to see the district again, or to see you.' I frown. 'I don't think I'm ready to see him yet either.' Thinking back to my innocent thoughts on rebuilding from my walk home I steer the conversation away from Gale. 'Though if he doesn't come soon he won't recognise the place. Have you seen what they've done in the main square?' Peeta smiles, recognising that the topic of Gale is closed. He plays my game and politely asks how it's all coming along. We drink our tea and pretend it is just another day.

I wonder why Gale didn't phone me and am simultaneously relieved and hurt that he didn't.


	9. Chapter 9

I really don't deserve Peeta.

It is, of course, Haymitch that points it out to me. I've taken over some scraps for his geese and am throwing them out the back when he sneaks up on me from behind and startles me. Lucky for him I only have a bowl full of stale bread on me and not a bow and sheath of arrows.

'Now, sweetheart, I'm assuming you already know this, seeing as how you kids are all kisses and cuddles these days, but just in case I thought I'd better remind you.'

I clearly have no idea what he's talking about. He presses his lips together and shakes his head in mock disgust.

'You really don't deserve that boy. I can't believe you would have forgotten your own boyfriend's birthday.'

My eyes shot open wide. Shit, Peeta's birthday? In my defense I had no idea what month we were in, let alone the date but still, lucky Haymitch told me.

The reminder sends me into a spin though. We've never really celebrated birthdays together. The few we've properly known each other for we either have not been talking or in hospital. This is the first opportunity we've had to just be normal, to celebrate something ordinary together. I want to do it right but there are several problems.

The first is this. The traditional way to celebrate a birthday is with a cake. The only person in the whole town that can bake a decent cake is Peeta himself. If he wants to have a birthday cake he will have to bake and decorate it himself.

The second is the present. I have no idea what to give him. He likes baking but what could I give him for that? Flour? He likes painting but already has all the supplies he needs. He likes me, but I blush at the ridiculous image I have of me, naked except for a ribbon tied in a bow making me look like a present. No, I would not be giving him myself as a present, though in the back of my mind I wonder if I could give him a little more of myself and if I did, would that maybe be just as much for my benefit as his.

The third problem is more of a worry. He has celebrated all his previous birthdays with his family. To put it bluntly, they are all dead now and I'm worried that anything I do to mark the occasion will only be a painful reminder of this. I don't know what traditions they had in their family and even if I did, should I honour them or not?

I deal with the problems in order. Coming back from the woods the next day I leave my muddy boots by the door, drop my bow and coat on a chair, grab a triangular pastry from a plate Peeta has left on the kitchen table and march upstairs. Peeta is painting in the bedroom he has now set up as his studio. He has stopped painting in our bedroom because of the fumes. Not that either of us was particularly worried it was unhealthy, as if our bodies haven't suffered enough over the last few years, but the smell was annoying.

'Hi' he says looking up briefly from the picture he was working on. It was early days yet, barely more than a sketch but I thought I recognised Finnick from the shape of the body. 'How were the woods?'

'Cold' I answer taking a bite out of the pastry. It was delicious. It had melted cheese, spinach and some kind of spice. A moan of pleasure escapes my lips. 'Oh my god, Peeta, this is delicious.' He smiles, a proper old-Peeta smile. 'Thanks' he says, proudly. 'I grew the spinach myself and got the cheese from a guy in town earlier.' I wonder why I didn't know that he grew his own spinach.

I devour the rest of the pastry while trying to work out how best to broach the subject of his birthday. 'If you want a birthday cake you know you're going to have to make it yourself' is what I come out with. Luckily, Peeta thinks my lack of tact is charming. He puts down his paintbrush, comes over and kisses me. 'I figured as much' he says. I nod. 'Good, just checking you didn't expect me to try.' He laughs and his eyes sparkle. 'God, no, Katniss. Promise me you will never try to bake anything, ever without my supervision.' I would usually object to being told what to do but I know this is totally fair. 'I promise' I say solemnly and this time I lean in to kiss him.

The present is a bit trickier but luckily inspiration hits in time. Following on from the revelation that Peeta grows his own spinach I let myself out into his little yard one afternoon while he is working on the Finnick painting. He says he wants to send it to Annie when her baby is born so he's trying to make it "nice". I know what he means by this. Peeta doesn't paint pictures to put on walls, he paints pictures as therapy. His art is what he remembers, what he sees in his nightmares. He is amazingly talented, anyone can see that, but painting something for anyone but himself if a new experience, something he hasn't done before. Plus his memories of Finnick are either from the Quell, his time in District 13 or our raid on the Capitol, none of which lend themselves to happy images or are easy for Peeta to think about without having an episode. Still, he's mostly ok if he grips his paintbrush and keeps creating and I think Annie will be really touched when she sees it. Peeta really wants their child to grow up with a good image of its father.

As I go out into his yard I'm impressed. Mine is full of weeds, Haymitch's is full of broken furniture and goose poo, but Peeta's is actually full of pots of plants. Most of them are just local wildflowers but I recognise spinach, sage and parsley growing closest to the door, nearest the kitchen. I wonder why he has never shown me this before. I suppose we all have our little secret things. It is two days later, when I'm hunting that I find his present. I am checking my snares, hoping for a rabbit, when I see a rosemary bush. My first thought is "rosemary, for remembrance" and given the weight of my memories this makes me pause sadly. My next thought is pure brilliance though. Peeta! I'll bring him the rosemary plant for his little garden.

The next day I sneak a trowel out with me in my hunting bag. I go through town on my way to the woods, looking for something I can use as a pot. The best I can find is an old half barrel that I buy from one of the men from District 11. I go back to the rosemary plant and dig it up, carefully taking enough earth with it to not disturb its roots. I lug it all the way back to the village and hide it at Haymitch's place. He actually seems impressed that I've come up with this all by myself, though he mocks me about the cake thing, Peeta having told him word for word what I said. I ask Haymitch about my third worry, how Peeta will react. He shrugs. 'He'll react how he reacts' is his helpful advice. 'You just gotta go with the flow, kid.'

On the morning of his birthday, Peeta is woken up by a nightmare. 'Your family?' I ask, knowing he has a reoccurring dream about them burning to death in the bakery and thinking that today might trigger it. 'Yeah' he says, wild-eyed and panting. I sooth him as best I can until he relaxes back into my arms, then kiss his neck until he purrs. He jumps when his front door bangs but I tell him it's ok. 'It's just Greasy Sae. I asked her to come make you a special birthday breakfast'. He laughs at this, amused that he isn't the only person I've ordered to prepare food for his special day. Sae fries bacon and mushrooms, makes plenty of toast and is generally on good form. She keeps ruffling Peeta's hair and calling him boy but he's nineteen now and looking at him, he really is a man. I guess she's a grandmother and anyone under thirty is a boy or girl to her.

After breakfast I ask Peeta what he wants to do for the day. He looks wistful. 'I'd like to go to the meadow'. Where his family are buried, I think. That makes sense. 'Do you want me to come?' I ask, unsure if he'd prefer company or solitude. He nods. 'Yes. I need you.' So we walk hand in hand to the meadow. Grass is beginning to grow back over it but it is still bumpy and uneven from what lies beneath. Peeta sinks to his knees and cries for a while. I pull his head to my thigh and stroke his hair until he's ready to move on.

We wander back slowly through town, his arm now around my shoulders, mine around his waist. On the way just about everyone we meet calls out 'Happy Birthday' to him or comes to give him a pat on the back. I am bizarrely proud of how popular he is. I forget that when I'm off hunting in the woods by myself, Peeta is out delivering bread around town. Thom and some of the guys call him over to give him a present. They've made him a new easel out of leftover wood from one of the builds. Peeta is clearly touched and thanks them profusely. Thom promises to drop it by our house the next day so we don't have to lug it back with us. It is the first time I realise I think of it as "our house" and not "Peeta's house". Thom comes over to speak to Peeta quite often these days. I think they're discussing things about the running of District 12 and I don't want to know about it. I tend to go annoy Haymitch when Thom comes over.

When we get back, I make tea and Peeta puts the finishing touches to his cake. It is nothing like the other cakes I've seen of his. His trademark style is delicate and flowery. I think of the masterpiece he made for Finnick and Annie's wedding, how that was my first sign that my Peeta still existed somewhere behind the damage the Capitol had done. This cake is much plainer. It is chocolate and has simple brown icing over the top. 'Chocolate sponge with vanilla cream filling and coffee icing' he declares proudly. I reach over to taste the icing on the cake but he slaps my hand away. 'Not until Haymitch gets here' he says but he takes pity on my and gives the bowl of leftover icing to lick. It's really good.

For the first time ever, Haymitch knocks. I rush to the door knowing he is carrying the gift from me. He hands it to me and given that it's not wrapped I hand it to Peeta straight away. 'This is from me' I say needlessly. I can't read his expression at first. "Rosemary, for remembrance" he says quietly. I nod. 'For your garden' I say. This time he frowns. 'I've never told you about my garden' he says. 'No,' I reply. 'But I'm nosy.' He laughs at this, a proper laugh like I haven't heard from him in ages. He puts the barrel down, picks me up and spins me round like I'm a child, before putting me down and kissing me deeply like an adult.

Haymitch brings out his present. It's a bottle of wine.

This time we all laugh. I go to get out three glasses but Haymitch waves his away. I think him not drinking for Peeta's birthday is probably Peeta's favourite gift. I pour the wine for us, Peeta cuts the cake and Haymitch and I sing for him. We sound terrible. Peeta's smiling though and that is all that matters.

The cake is Peeta's best yet as far as I'm concerned. The chocolate sponge is moist and gooey in the middle and the coffee icing suits it perfectly. I demand the same for my birthday in advance. The wine makes my face warm but I feel relaxed and we sit around laughing at each other all evening, pausing only to eat some cheesy pastries that Peeta has also made for the occasion.

Haymitch leaves early, maybe to give us some time together, maybe to get back to his drink. He gives me a rare hug before he goes. 'You did good, sweetheart' he whispers in my ear.

But the best is yet to come.

I motion for Peeta to leave the dishes on the table and take his hand, leading him upstairs. I haven't exactly planned this part of the day but I know what I want to do. I want to show him how much I want him in a way I haven't before. I lead him in to the bedroom and shut the door behind us. This is partly symbolic, indicating privacy, and partly to ensure that Buttercup doesn't get in and interrupt us. I turn back to face Peeta and I can see the desire in his eyes. He seems to read what I'm thinking. We step forward to press our bodies together, our mouths reaching for each other. My body knows instinctively what to do, though my conscious mind can't keep up. I pull Peeta as close to me as I can and stand on tiptoes so my tongue can reach inside him, exploring his mouth. He pushes back against me, one hand on the back of my head, the other reaching down to cup my arse. I feel a warmth spreading through me as I have before, kissing Peeta in the cave and again on the beach. God, it feels good to want him and not be on camera. I pull him closer and slide my hands down to the small of his back. We edge towards the bed, refusing to break our contact for even a second. Before we fall back onto it I tug at the bottom of his shirt, needing him to take it off. He does, then reaches down and pulls mine off too. I gently run my hands across his chest. He's so strong and muscular but the scars I feel under my fingers make me want to protect him. I trace the marks downwards until they disappear beneath the fabric of his pants, then I let my thumb graze across his erection. He exhales softly at my touch so I repeat the motion, a little harder. This time he inhales sharply and pulls me back to him. Our lips find each other again but I find myself undoing his belt and tugging of the rest of his clothes. He reaches down to remove them and I do the same to mine so we are standing there in only our underwear.

Given that I've seen Peeta like this so many times, I wonder how I can still feel so surprised by how he makes me feel, how aroused I am at the sight of him. But something is different, this isn't us just going to bed, this is us starting something new. Peeta is looking at me the same way. Our eyes lock and then, without breaking my gaze he steps forward, reaches around me and removes my bra. He then then slowly bends down and slides my underwear down to the floor where I step out of it. He does the same to his and we are standing naked in the moonlight from the window, facing each other.

We don't talk at all, we don't have to. We stare at each other for a while, taking in every detail. I drink in everything from his erect cock to the bulge of his arms. He holds out his arms to me and I step forward so they envelope me, his erection pressing into my stomach. His body is so warm but the night air blowing through the window is chilly so he lifts the quilt and pushes me down onto the bed. I kiss him hungrily, my hands exploring everywhere. I moan when he gently cups my breast, then cry out as his thumb brushes across my nipple. He circles harder and harder until I feel my hips buck involuntarily beneath me. When he bends down and takes my other nipple in his mouth I tangle my fingers in his hair and try not to scream. He circles me with his tongue in time with his thumb, gradually increasing the pressure until I cry out with pleasure and need. I reach between us to tease him as he is teasing me, stroking his shaft and then his silky head. I marvel at the softness of his skin and its contrast to his hardness. I keep stroking until I feel him shudder involuntarily with desire, as I did. He stops sucking on my nipple and looks up. Our eyes meet and we both know what we want, what we need right now. He shifts his weight so he's on his elbows above me and I spread my legs and arch my hips up towards him. He enters me slowly, watching me intently as he does so. It is only as he is almost fully inside me that he squeezes his eyes shuts and moans. As he pushes deeper I do the same, unable to control my eyes, voice or any other part of my body. He pauses and his lips find mine again, forcing my mouth open, his tongue hot in my mouth. I can feel my own wetness spreading as he begins to move slowly inside me, small slow motions at first but gradually building in speed and ferocity. My hips rock to his rhythm, again beyond my conscious control. I feel his breath on my face, hear his gasps of pleasure and feel a heat spreading through me that I never could have imagined. When he pivots on his elbows and brushes his thumbs against my nipples again I am gone. Something explodes inside me and I cry out as my whole body spasms with release. Though my hips rock increasingly slowly, Peeta thrusts harder and faster until I feel him tense, hear him cry out and feel his own release deep inside me.

We stay like that as long as we can, clutching at each other, pulling each other close. When Peeta needs to pull out of me he rolls to my side and I nestle into his chest. As I drift off to sleep I hear him whisper in my ear 'you love me, real or not real'. 'Real' I reply, knowing that it is.


	10. Chapter 10

The next day we don't leave the house at all, to be fair we barely leave our bed. As Peeta explores me with his fingers and mouth I wonder why it has taken us so long to do this. It feels so good. I suppose since puberty I've been busy trying to keep my family alive, then fighting for myself and Peeta, then for the rebellion and then for my own sanity. I really have been missing out I realise as I orgasm for the third time since waking up, Peeta's tongue on my clitoris and his fingers curled inside me.

As we snuggle up together, me still basking in the afterglow of his touch, Peeta's stomach grumbles loudly so we are forced out of bed to go down to the kitchen and eat. He hasn't baked fresh bread this morning, I can't help grinning knowing why, so he cuts up a loaf from yesterday while I light the fire to make toast. Peeta brings out a plate with slices of cheese and ham then goes back to make the tea.

When the fire gets going we take it in turns to toast the pieces of bread on a poker in the fire then quickly put a slice of cheese on top so it melts. There are an odd number of pieces so we toast the last piece together, his hand wrapped around mine on the poker. Our eyes meet and I know the significance of the gesture is not lost on either of us.

After we've eaten we make love again right there, in front of the fire, the light from the flames casting strange shadows on our skin.

Now we have expressed our desire for each other, we can talk about it too. I tell Peeta how I felt in the cave that one time, the strange warmth spreading inside me and what could have happened then if he hadn't stopped me because of my bleeding face. He says he would have stopped me anyway, mindful of the cameras. At that point there was still a chance we could both go home and how could we have returned to our district, or visited any district for that matter, knowing people had watched us be that intimate? I ask him if he felt the same on the beach during the Quarter Quell. He smiles slightly and shakes his head. 'No, I think if Finnick hadn't woken up I couldn't have stopped touching you, whatever the circumstances' he answers honestly. I agree and we hypothesise that that was partly because we were each so desperate to die and save the other, and partly because we were that bit older and physically needier.

I'm fascinated by his cock. Though I have felt it pressed into my back or thigh many mornings when waking up, I have never really seen it properly before. It's long and thick and perfect. He laughs when I compliment him on it, joking that I can't have seen that many. I point out that my mother is a healer and that that there were naked men in my house most days and tell him he should be flattered. He blushes a little but seems pleased. I laugh and tease him that he must know how he measures up to other men or he wouldn't be so comfortable icing such delicate little cakes. He tickles me until I beg for mercy and we go back to bed.

The next day we get woken up by the front door banging. I don't understand for a minute then remember my pact with Greasy Sae. Neither Peeta nor I had been heard from at all yesterday so she has come to feed us, thinking we're having some kind of crisis. I jump up and start hunting for clothes but there is no rush as Haymitch must see her from his window as I hear his voice call out to her. I can't hear their exact words but I hear Sae's tone of voice go from anxious, to puzzled, to amused. I can only surmise that Haymitch has heard us and informed her of the new development in our relationship.

We get dressed and go down to say hello. She is grinning from ear to ear and we are both red with embarrassment but nothing is said and we eat our breakfast gratefully. We thank Sae but tell her we can get our own dinner. To that end I get ready to head out hunting. Peeta kisses me goodbye and goes upstairs to work on his painting some more.

I smile all the way to the woods but I don't really feel like hunting. All I can think about is the feel of Peeta against me, the taste of him in my mouth. I have to stop and touch myself so I can concentrate, imagining his fingers on me instead of my own. I manage to hunt for a bit then, getting two squirrels, but don't linger around to see what else I could get. I rush home, dump my bag and run straight upstairs. Peeta picks me up, pushes me against a wall and we do it just there, like that, in his studio.

After we've regained our composure and clothes he shows me how his painting is going and asks my advice. He talks though his memories of Finnick with me, how he got him off the pedestal at the start of the Quell, resuscitated him after the electric field stopped his heart, and then carried him from the fog. His memories of the star squad later are not so good so we go through 'real or not real' for a while with them. He explains the painting so far. It is Finnick standing on the edge of the sea. I recognise it as the beach in the Quell but Peeta has left out the segments of the clock, the cornucopia and the jungle on the other side. Instead it is just sea and sky in the distance. He's shown Finnick standing tall and proud, trident in one hand, an oyster in the other. What he hasn't started on is the face. He shows me some sketches of possible expressions but he isn't happy with any of them. They are all so very much Finnick though. One is the cocky Finnick we first met before the Quell. One the Finnick after we lost Mags. Another a Finnick from the star squad, determined. But none of these are right. I wish I had a picture from Finnick and Annie's wedding but I don't and I'm not sure who would. I try to describe how Finnick looked that day though, the joy in his eyes, his smile as he looked at Annie. As I spoke, Peeta's hands fly over the page of his sketch book and when I finish describing their joy at his cake he has drawn Finnick just as he was on his wedding day.

'That's perfect' I say, impressed at his skill. Peeta smiles sadly. 'I wish I'd been there' he says quietly. I pull him close to me and whisper 'I wish you had been too'.


	11. Chapter 11

When I return from the woods the next day something is not quite right, but it takes me a moment to realise what it is. Peeta is in the kitchen baking. That is normal. He is wearing an apron. That is not entirely out of the ordinary. He wears it if he is making something particularly messy or is wearing something nice he doesn't want to get flour on. It takes me a moment to work out what is different. What I notice first is the difference between his legs. His artificial leg is a slightly different colour from his real leg and lacks the dark blonde hairs that make his other look so manly. I don't normally notice this because he has pants on. Then in hits me. He doesn't have any pants on.

Peeta looks up. 'How was hunting?' he asks as he usually does but there is a slight smile playing around the corner of his mouth. 'Good' I reply, trying to act as if everything is normal but I can feel the sides of my mouth being tugged up too.

'Good' he echoes and looks back down at his work. He is carefully frosting tiny little cupcakes. I watch him work, admiring his skill. It's when he turns around to get a frosting bag of a different colour that I realise it's not just his pants that are missing. He is totally naked under that apron. As he fills the bag, his back to me, I can't help but stare at his arse. It is muscular and taut and smooth. Not a single scar mars it.

I realise that this is all for my benefit, or perhaps to tease me. He's making me pay for my previous comment about his comfort with his masculinity. He catches my eye as he turns round to make sure I've seen. I raise my eyebrows slightly to show him that I have but I won't cave first and comment. He continues, icing each tiny little cake one by one. I try to hold it in for as long as I can but the harder I try not to laugh the worse it gets. In the end I snort, which makes Peeta jump and mess up a cake.

I laugh harder than I have ever laughed before, ever. Peeta turns round to put his icing bag down, giving me another flash of his arse, then gathers me up in his arms and we laugh together. 'Why the apron?' I ask when I can talk again. 'Why not naked?' His smile drops a little. 'I've been burned enough times' he says, then smiles a little more again. 'Some places are just too delicate to take the risk with.' I raise my eyebrows, teasingly. 'What places?' I ask as innocently as I can. 'These places' he says taking my hand and pulling it down. I can feel how hard he is under the apron.

The best thing about him only wearing an apron is that it provides very easy access. I drop to my knees and lift it up. I cup is balls in my left hand, hold his shaft in my right and take him into my mouth. I hear him gasp and feel his body tremble as I slowly slide my mouth down his length as far as I can. I go slow, getting used to the motion and trying to not hurt him. I can tell he likes it from his moans of pleasure and the way he cries out my name. He is getting close when there is a noise outside. I pause and Peeta grabs my hair. 'Stop' he says, 'Someone's coming.' I reluctantly release him and hear him sigh at the loss, but the door handle is turning. Peeta, his erection obvious even through the apron that has now swung back down over him, looks around for something to hide himself, shakes his head and ducks outside into his garden, just as Haymitch appears through the door.

I am about to shout at him angrily for barging in on us but he looks awful so I hold my tongue. His skin looks grey, his eyes have dark bags under them and he is visibly shaking. I beckon him in and settle him on the sofa. 'Out of liquor, huh?' I ask. He nods. 'How sad it is' he says slowly 'that I am so pathetically obvious. I used to have a bit of mystery about me and now look at me.' I have no idea what to say to that. 'I'll go find Peeta' is my response. Haymitch snorts a little a how pathetically predictable I am too. It takes me a second to think but I run upstairs to get Peeta some clothes. He's a neat boy and what he was wearing before stripping off ready for my arrival is piled neatly on the bed still. I grab the pile of clothes, rush downstairs past Haymitch who isn't so far gone not to look puzzled, and out into the garden. Peeta is sitting on the back step. 'Haymitch?' he asks. I nod and hand him his clothes. 'He's out of alcohol' I say. Peeta sighs but gets up to get dressed. I notice he is no longer aroused. He sees me looking and shrugs, blushing slightly. 'Well, you stopped at a crucial moment. I had to finish off myself.' I just lean over and kiss him in reply.

Peeta is great with Haymitch. He instructs me to make tea while he gets a blanket to put round his shoulders and a bucket for him to throw up in if necessary. We drink tea and Peeta just talks to him, not really expecting and answer, just talking about normal, everyday things. Haymitch vomits the tea pretty much straight back up so I make some more. He keeps the second cup down and begins to look a little brighter. When his colour is almost back he asks Peeta why he was naked in the garden.

Peeta colours a little but answers calmly 'because you interrupted us.' Haymoych jerks his head in my direction. 'She had her clothes on though.' I blush furiously. 'Yes, she did' was all Peeta said, he was smiling though. Haymitch laughed. 'You dirty little thing' he says to me smiling. 'I'm going into town' I say and go to stomp off, embarrassed. Peeta grabs the plate of cupcakes first. 'Can you take these with you' he asks and tells me which house to drop them off at. I nod and leave without kissing him goodbye, knowing that Haymitch is watching.

I don't know if I mind the thought of Peeta telling Haymitch about us or not. I wonder if perhaps I'm jealous that I don't have anyone to talk to, not that I would have anyway. I've have always been fiercely private. I would never have talked about sex with Prim. Madge perhaps? Johanna is the only person I can think of still alive who wouldn't feel uncomfortable discussing intimate things so openly, but she would probably scare me with her lack of inhibitions.

I take to the cakes to the address Peeta gave me and find a family from 11 living there. The father answers the door and grins when he sees what I've got. He welcomes me in and his wife offers me tea, which I accept. He tells me the cakes are for his son's birthday. The children are all at the little makeshift school but they'll be thrilled to find cakes when they get home. I know nothing about these people so I ask them about their home, why they chose to come to 12. They said they lived on the edge of 11 anyway, and after the war wanted to start afresh. The woman, is quite open about me and Peeta being part of the reason for them heading this way. My saving Rue and his speech obviously affected the whole district massively, and those on the edges of the district weren't as punished for their unrest as those in the town. Her husband could see she was making me uncomfortable though and sushed her. He couldn't help adding though that he felt like a celebrity, having cakes for his boy's birthday baked by THE Peeta Mellark.

I love Peeta a little bit more for helping these people, and mentally thank him for sending me on this errand. After we've finished tea I go over to Greasy Sae's. She's pleased to see me and we have a good chat. She apologises for barging in the other day and I find that I can talk to her about my new relationship with Peeta. Not all the details, but some of the feelings. I tell her about our private little toasting and I swear I see a tear in her eye. I ask her if she minds coming out now and again to check on Haymitch and when she realises that he's out of drink she promises to bring some broth out for his dinner.

When I return home Peeta and Haymitch are gone, I assume Peeta has taken him home. I get out our book and start writing an entry for Madge.


	12. Chapter 12

I'd gotten complacent. Things had been going too well and I had been getting too used to that.

Coming home from town I hear shouting coming from our house. Haymitch is already there with Peeta who is curled up on the floor repeating 'I can't' over and over again. I raise my eyebrows in the silent question 'should I go?' Haymitch nods so I cross the road to my old house. I wander around for a bit, mentally noting the things I should pack up and take to my new house opposite. I decide I can't be bothered to actually pack so I go back and sit on the doorstep in the sun, waiting for Haymitch to give me the all clear.

I can't hear any shouting so I figure it won't be long. While I wait I see a figure in the distance walking up to the victor's village. I laugh at myself when I realised it isn't a figure in the distance, it is actually a very small child approaching me closely. He must be one of the kids of the family I met the other day. When he gets to our house he looks at my shyly and holds out a plate.

'This is for Mr Mellark' he says. 'I've come to say thank you for my birthday cakes.'

I take the plate from him and say thank you. 'Peeta's not feeling well at the moment' I tell him 'but I'll give this back to him and tell him you said thank you.' The little boy looks unsure. 'When will he be feeling better?' he asks. 'Can I wait with you?' I smile sadly. 'I don't know how long it will be but you can wait for a bit. If it's not long you can stay but if it gets late you'll have to go back so your parents don't worry. Ok?' 'Ok' he nods and comes and sits down next to me, closer than an adult would. I smile and ask him if he had a nice birthday. He starts telling me about all the friends he'd invited over to share his cakes and I learn a lot about life in District 12 from the point of view of a just-six year old.

When Haymitch opens the door he laughs to see us both there. 'Peeta, you've got company' he calls over his shoulder before disappearing back to his own house. The little boy runs into the house ahead of me and when I catch up find him climbing up onto the sofa to sit on Peeta's lap. Peeta looks surprised but pleased at his guest. I put the plate back in the kitchen and join them on the sofa.

The little boy's name is Aran and he has clearly met Peeta many times before. He starts by politely asking if he's feeling better, to which Peeta replies 'much better, thanks'. Then the little boy tells him the same stories about his little party only Peeta seems to know the names of the other children and laughs in all the right places at little Aran's stories. He looks so comfortable with this child on his lap and I catch myself thinking what a great father he would be before my old fear takes hold and I know that I never want to have children.

The old fear sparks a new one. When did I last have my period? I've never been regular, whether the result of having grown up half-starved or whether inherited from my mother who is the same, I don't know. But I try counting days, remembering events and realise I'm late. Just a few days, but definitely late, even by my standards. The colour must drain from my face as I hear Peeta asking if I'm ok.

I don't answer but get up and run out of the house. I run straight to the woods and keep running. I cannot have children. I cannot be pregnant is all I keep saying in my head. I run all the way to the lake and collapse at the side of it, exhausted and emotionally drained. I beat the ground with my fists and keep repeating my mantra. I cannot have children. I cannot be pregnant. When I calm down a little my rational brain kicks in. I have been taking the pills from my mother's medicine cabinet every day. I know they are the right ones and I have been very careful, not missing a single one. I am only a few days late. If at all. I don't feel any different from normal. I just ran over three miles without stopping, could I do that if I were pregnant? I repeat a new mantra. Only a few days late, haven't missed a pill.

It's beginning to get dark so I turn back and walk slowly home. In the twilight my fears take over again and when I get back to the village I'm nearly hysterical. I can't face Peeta. I'm convinced he would dance for joy at the thought of a baby and am so angry at him for this, even though it is only in my head. I go to my old house, lock the front door and collapse on the sofa. Peeta must see me as he comes knocking on the door, calling out to ask me if I'm ok. I scream at him to leave me alone and run upstairs, locking my bedroom door as well, just in case.

I refuse to get out of bed the next day and speak to no one until Greasy Sae lets herself in with a key in the evening. I hear her banging around then her footsteps on the stairs. 'Dinner, Katniss' she says, knocking on the door of my room. For a moment I am glad I locked the door and she can't come in, but then I realise that I'm hungry and go downstairs to eat the stew she's brought with her.

'What's wrong?' she asks. 'Nothing' I reply. I cannot talk about this. She raises her hands and eyebrows in frustration but is used to me and says nothing more, just watches me eat. I go straight back to bed after dinner but sleep fitfully, my nightmares filled with children and babies. Rue, Prim, Aran and a tiny child that looks unbearably like Peeta. I wake up screaming but Peeta isn't there to comfort me.

In the morning I call my mother and sob down the phone, explaining that I think I'm pregnant.

Her reaction isn't what I expect. 'Katniss, it's ok. You say you've taken one of the little grey pills every day.' 'Yes' I say quietly. She laughs softly. 'Then that is why you haven't got your period. That's what the pills do, they stop it. If you stop taking them your periods will come back.' 'So I'm not pregnant?' I ask, the weight of the world lifting from my shoulders. 'I doubt it' she says kindly. 'But keep taking those pills.' 'I will' I promise solemnly. My mother laughs again, but tries to sound stern as she says 'Well I suppose there's no need for me to ask how you and Peeta are?' I smile despite myself and talk through things with her properly. How he makes me feel, what a great father he would be but why I can never have children. She listens and understands but ends the conversation saying 'Never say never, Katniss.'

I can't face Peeta yet so I go to Haymitch's. He's asleep when I get there but I need to talk to him so I stand over him until his instincts kick in. He senses my presence and wakes up in attack mode. I step back to avoid his knife. When I see he recognises me I start by saying 'I am a total bitch and I don't deserve him. Please help me.'

Haymitch squints at me, taking it all in and waking up. 'Well we agree on one thing then, or two things' he waves away the distinction. 'What have you done?'

'I thought I was pregnant and freaked out.' I say bluntly. There is never any point beating around the bush with Haymitch.

He frowns. 'You're not are you?'

'No' I say and he falls back laughing. 'Thank god, one of you is bad enough. Having a little Katniss running around throwing tiny little temper tantrums would actually tip me over the edge.' I don't find this funny. 'Shut up' I say. 'Anyway it might have been a little Peeta.'

'What are the odds of that?' Haymitch asks.

'About 50-50' I reply.

'So not exactly in my favour' he spits back.

We could do this all day but I did actually come for advice. 'My point is, I freaked out, ran away, treated Peeta like shit again and I need to make it better. You're supposed to be my mentor. Tell me what to do!'

Haymitch sits up. 'Number one, I am not your mentor any more. My job was to get either you or Peeta alive out of that arena. Twice. Clearly I did my job or we wouldn't be having this cosy little chat right now. Number two, even if I were still your mentor, my job would be to teach you how kill, not how to be a decent human being. Number three, any advice I give you now is because Peeta deserves better, but don't come running to me again next time you stuff up, ok.'

I can't disagree with anything he's said so I agree. 'Ok'.

He fixes me with an intense stare. 'This is what you are going to do. You are going to go over there now. You are going to sit down with Peeta and tell him everything, everything. Everything you were thinking and feeling. I don't care how proud or embarrassed you are, how much you think your thoughts are you own, you go through every single detail with him. You explain your innermost thoughts to that boy in excruciating detail, an amount of detail that I never, ever want to hear from you about anything. You tell him you're sorry for driving him away, for not being there for him, because sweetheart, he's needed you these past couple of days. And when you've talked everything through, you tell him how much you love him and you take him upstairs and do whatever it is you do to him that makes him scream 'Oh God, Oh God' over and over. You got that.'

I nod.

'Then get out!' says Haymitch, dismissing me with a wave of his arm. 'And if you don't follow my advice to the letter do not ever come here and ask me anything again' he shouts at me as I retreat.

It's not a long enough walk between our houses for me to mull this over so as my hand turns the doorknob I still have no idea how to start. Peeta is facing away from the door, sitting on the sofa and watching the TV intently. It looks like some kind of factual broadcast and he is scribbling notes down furiously. He looks up at me and looks torn. 'It's ok' I say. 'Finish what you're doing, then we'll talk.'

I don't know if I'm allowed to but I sit next to him and rest my head on his shoulder. He hesitates, but then leans over and kisses the top of my head. This makes me feel better and worse all at once. He'll forgive me, of course he will, but I truly don't deserve him. I watch the TV with him for the first time since we got back. The broadcast is all about rebuilding efforts. It announces the numbers of people currently known in each district, and what skills, materials and food supplies are needed and surplus in which regions. The numbers of people here in 12 are so small compared to the other districts but I suppose, given that the district was totally annihilated the fact that any of us are still here is something we should be proud of. I notice that we are listed as ok for food, and I feel a little proud that my hunting and Peeta's baking is part of that statistic.

When the broadcast finishes and a weather report comes on Peeta switches the TV off and turns to face me. Part of me wants to just kiss him, knowing that he will forgive me, he always does. But I know what Haymitch said was right, he deserves to know everything that is going on in my head. 'I'm sorry I freaked out' I say. 'But I thought I might be pregnant.' Peeta's eyebrows shoot up, he obviously hadn't been expecting that. 'You're not are you?' he asks sounding horrified. This makes me feel better. Somehow seeing him with little Aran had made me think he'd be happy but his reaction says otherwise. 'No, I'm not' I say and he takes a deep breath. 'I thought you wanted kids' I add, puzzled. 'Yeah' said Peeta 'but not now. God, Katniss, I've only just turned nineteen. I can barely look after myself some days. The district, the country, who knows what's going to happen. And you're clearly not ready. Having a baby now would be crazy. It would be a total disaster.'

I smile with relief but still feel bad, if only I'd spoken to him when I first freaked. This spurs me on though and I do what Haymitch said, I tell him everything. What I did, what I thought. How I feel about the idea of having children. He listens, mostly silently, but laughs when I tell him about the conversation with my mother. I am more honest with him now than I have ever been in my life. I follow Haymitch's instructions to the letter and finish by saying I'm sorry for not talking to him, for not being there for him as he has been for me. I pull him close and whisper in his ear 'I love you, Peeta'

It's the first time I've said the words and I feel him pull me closer, holding on to me and what I just said.

We talk then, more openly than we ever had. He admits he wants kids. That he hopes that I will too someday, but if I don't he's ok with that. He says he needs to be with me more than he wants children. I tell him why I don't want them, why I'm so afraid of loving someone so much, or being responsible for them and of ultimately losing them. We talk about Prim and the reaping, Rue dying in my arms. I tell him how I said to Gale so long ago that I was never having children and how that was about the reapings and the games. I tell him that I still don't quite trust, even though everyone says it, that the games will ever really stop and I know that he understands. We talk about love and loss. He tells me about our first games, his only kill in the arena. It was out of mercy, but he wonders if he could ever really be a good father, knowing that he has killed a child. He worries that all he'll feel is guilt about the ones he couldn't save, and not the love he should feel for the ones he has. He really is the most beautiful person I have ever known. We somehow come to a bizarre agreement that having children is not even on the table for the next five years. We need to return to sanity first, as does our world. In five years we'll talk again and see how we feel.

We talk for about three hours then sink exhausted into each other's arms. When we finally go up to bed, our bed that I've realised I've missed, I almost forget my final instruction. I am on the verge of falling asleep, drained from the emotions of the day, when Peeta reaches for me under the covers. His touch turns me on like a match setting fire to dry leaves. All he does is brush his fingers across my stomach but suddenly I need him, urgently. He obviously feels the same and kisses me with an intensity I've not felt before. As I straddle him and drive against him towards my own release I hear him cry 'Oh God, Oh God, Oh God' and know that I have been well mentored.


	13. Chapter 13

We wake up and make love and I decide I don't want to go to the woods, I want to spend the day with Peeta, so I watch him work on his painting. It's nearly finished and I love watching him squint at it from different angles, trying to see what is missing. It really is impressive and I hope Annie loves it and it doesn't just make her sad. When he stretches and needs a break we go downstairs and make tea. I ask him what had happened to him while I was hiding from nothing across the street. He tells me that Gale had phoned, trying to persuade him to go to the capitol to be involved in the decision making process about electing a new government. Apparently they've been talking a couple of times a week and Gale is getting increasingly insistent that Peeta come to the committee and represent 12 as currently he is the only person from the district at these meeting and he has other things to worry about. Because I'd run off and Peeta was only just hanging on, talking to Gale was the last thing he'd needed and he'd had an episode right then, the phone dangling from the hook as he convulsed on the floor, trying to not scream things about me that Gale could hear. In the end Gale had hung up, phoned Haymitch and he'd come round but by then Peeta had made himself sick from exertion and was emotionally drained and horrifically embarrassed. I do what I should have done at the time, I stroke his hair, kiss him softly and tell him that I love him.

He's ok now though, and wants to talk more about the political stuff that I've had no interest in before. He is passionate about fair representation, the idea that everyone in every district should have a say in how the country is run. All the notes he's been taking have been about how best to do this. He says that he thinks he will have to go to the Captitol, he's just terrified of how it will make him feel. It makes sense, it's a place where he's been sent to the games, tortured, chased by mutts and bombed. On the other hand he really does have strong ideas about the future of Panem and knows speaking to the defense minister on the phone a couple of times a week, a defense minister who is also sort of my ex, isn't really the way to do it. I try to think of something positive. I suggest that he visits Annie on the way, gives her his painting in person. His eyes light up at this suggestion and he offers to go see my Mother as well while he's in District 4. After that we talk about his trip as an inevitability, not a threatened horror. I offer to go with him, if that would help. He actually laughs. While I was in many ways the face of the rebellion, I represent fighting, not the new peace they are trying to broker. Peeta strokes my cheek and says 'You're so pretty, I sometimes forget that you once assassinated a President.' I see what he means. While I don't regret killing Coin, the democratic society he envisages has no place for people like me in power, people who shoot first and think later.

He does say that he's also being pressured to film another propo, and that they want me to do one too. I sigh, knowing that I don't want to be in front of a camera ever again but understanding that it was always going to happen sometime. I was the Mockingjay, people are coming to my district in part because of that and no doubt others will want to know what has happened to me. Peeta says he hasn't said yes yet, but has said he will consider it if they can promise to send Cressida and not somehow we don't know. I agree, but only on the condition we are filmed together, only one propo, the two of us. 'Star-crossed lovers we went into this whole thing, star-crossed lovers we might as bloody well come out of it' I mutter grimly. Peeta thinks this is hilarious.

He checks I'm sure about all this before phoning someone, he outlines our conditions and nods at the reply. 'Gale?' I ask when he hangs up. Plutarch' Peeta replies, smiling. 'Our film crew will be here tomorrow.'

I'm relieved that Peeta got his way and it is Cressida that knocks on the door. She doesn't have Pollux with her though, but a young girl who seems a little overawed by the occasion and says little more than the Avox could have. I hug Cressida first, then Peeta does. I notice she seems wary of him and realise I'd forgotten how bad he'd been when she last saw him. I smile at him, proud of how far he has come.

The second greetings are finished Cressida is straight into work mode. 'Now, the reason we're doing this in your home is so that you can act completely natural so I want you both to just do what you normally do, I'll film you and then we'll do an interview in a bit when you've got used to the cameras again.'

Peeta and I look at each other for a moment, wondering what we do normally that is not personal but still interesting enough for the cameras. 'I'll get the cookies out of the over' Peeta says. 'I'll make the tea' I reply, following his lead. He has always been better at this than me, even if Cressida didn't know it. We bustle about the kitchen together, and I see what Cressida means about being normal. We're very attuned to each other's movements in this space and I manage to boil the water and pour it into the pot while Peeta gets out plates, lays out the cookies and starts adding frosting to each as we dance around each other. I look at what he's drawn on the first one and smack him in the arm. 'A mockingjay? Seriously.' He smiles impishly and but opts for geometric shapes on the rest, not wanting to look hen pecked on national TV, I suspect. When the tea has brewed I pour out four cups and sit at the table. Peeta puts the plate on the table and sits next to me, reaching for my hand. Cressisda calls 'cut' then rearranges us slightly so that the table is not blocking us and you can see our hand holding, but the cookies and cups of tea are still in view.

She calls action again and starts asking us questions. I realise again how good she is at this. I trust her and she knows me well so she only asks me simple questions she knows I'll feel comfortable answering. How's the rebuilding in district 12 going? How does it feel to be home again and to hunt freely in my own woods? Peeta is brilliant too. He manages to talk openly about his torture and recovery without sounding angry or pitiful. He is earnest in his hopes for the new government and the future of the country.

We are sailing through this until Cressida asks 'So when will the wedding be?' I'm puzzled. 'What wedding?' I ask, confused. Peeta laughs and grips my hand tighter. 'I think she means our wedding.' I don't know what face I pull but I must look pretty shocked as Peeta laughs again but then takes pity on me. 'There isn't going to be any wedding' he says to camera. 'My proposal to Katniss, her acceptance, that was all part of the games, part of the old regime. We were a just pawns in at all, doing what we needed to do to survive. Getting married would have been just a big show for the old Capitol. Now it's all over we just want to get on with our lives together privately, without all the fuss.' I realise Peeta and I have never talked about his and I marvel and how much we are in agreement.

Cressida nods at me, indicating I should continue. I look at Peeta and smile. 'We've been through so much together. We've been scared, broken, hurt and now all we're trying to do is put ourselves back together. No one could share as much as we have. When I have nightmares, only Peeta can make them go away. No dress, or big party or official piece of paper could ever do that.' His smile as he looks at me makes me nearly cry, he looks so happy.

'But what about the party, surely your friends and family want to celebrate your love with you?' asks Cressida. Peeta takes over again. 'Yes, I sure they would, but it would be bittersweet. There are so many people who care about us, have fought for us, but there are also so many who didn't make it. I think all we would see would be the faces of those who couldn't be with us to celebrate.' His words are so true that this time I can't stop a tear rolling down my face. 'Hey' says Peeta gently when he sees it. He reaches up to wipe it away with his thumb then leans in and tenderly kisses my cheek.

I manage a smile as I look up at him. 'Plus, we've already had our toasting ceremony, so in our old district customs we're already married.' Peeta looks over at the fireplace behind Cressida and smiles, then back to me and nods.

Cressida smiles at us. 'Ok, so no big wedding for you. I'm sure the nation will be disappointed but will understand. Is there anything else you'd like to say.' Peeta tries to make me laugh. 'Only one final reason we're never getting married. She will always be Katniss Everdene, the girl who was on fire. Katniss Mellark just doesn't have the same ring to it.' I frown at him and hit him lightly in the arm. 'Shut up' I say as I stretch up to kiss him on the lips.

Cressida waves her arm to indicate to Ella to stop filming but doesn't say "cut" as she usually would. When I look back at her it's because she's crying. 'You're just so cute' she sobs. I can't help but laugh. I am many things, but cute is not one of them. Peeta gets her a tissue and then makes her eat a cookie. That makes her cry more and she keeps telling Peeta how she had no idea how nice he was. He's very polite but I can tell it's upsetting him. She means it as a compliment but I know in his eyes she's basically just pointing out what a monster he was before. I squeeze his hand, hoping he knows what I mean by it.

Cressida can't stay long as they have to get back to edit the footage before the evening's broadcast. That night we settle on the sofa and I watch the television voluntarily for the first time since I got back to 12. 'Oh, no, that's disgusting.' I say to Peeta at the end of the broadcast. 'We do look ridiculously cute.'

His response is to carry me straight up to bed and make me feel anything but.


	14. Chapter 14

Peeta and I try to keep busy to distract us from his imminent trip to the Capitol. His flashbacks get worse but at least when he's there he can go and see Dr Aurelius in person which might help. I sort through my mother's things and pack some of them up for Peeta to deliver to her. I carefully wrap the picture of my Father and another of her and Prim. There aren't any nice ones of me but Peeta says he'll give her one of his sketches. It feels funny thinking that he will see her and I won't. Peeta has checked for me and I am still not officially allowed to leave district 12. This suits me fine.

The night before he leaves we don't make love, we just hold each other close as we have done so many times before. In the morning I don't go to the station to see him off, I simply kiss him goodbye and go out hunting as if it were any other day. I stay out all day and don't return to our empty house until late in the evening, dreading the solitude I usually crave. The phone rings and I answer it, knowing it will be Peeta checking up on me. It is. He is at my mother's. He says he spent the afternoon with Annie, who apparently is huge, ready to give birth any day. I ask if she liked the painting and he says she cried, hugged him and said 'yes, yes' over again so he thinks she did. They spent the afternoon at the beach and Peeta makes me laugh as he tells me how Annie continued my work trying to teach him to swim, how she moved through the water easily and gracefully despite her swollen belly while he splashed around like a little kid, barely able to stay afloat when even the smallest wave passed.

He passes me over to my mother who asks how I am and tells me she'll call me every night until Peeta gets back. After she hangs up I work on our book some more, looking at the photos Haymitch has added and the sketches Peeta has slipped in between the pages, still not quite right to be drawn in permanently.

It is one of the longest weeks of my life. I spend as much time in the woods as I can but the long evenings still drag on. I find it hard to sleep in our bed without Peeta. I try going across to my old house as at least I have spent some nights alone in my bed there, but even that doesn't help so I go back to where my pillow at least smells of him. The second night the phone rings at about three in the morning. I answer pretty quickly. Peeta laughs sadly at the other end of line. 'Didn't wake you did I?'

'I'm actually just sleepwalking' I reply sarcastically. 'Sorry' he says seriously. 'I just can't sleep and wanted to hear your voice.' I ask how it's going. He tells me about the various meeting he's been to but says nothing about how he is. I take this to mean that he is only barely holding on, as if he was ok he would reassure me that he was coping. I tell him I love him before hanging up and with his voice fresh in my mind, I can finally sleep.

These late night, or more accurately early morning conversations continue. Peeta sounds increasingly more drained and I have no idea what to say to sooth him, comforting words are his specialty not mine. Finally he tells me he is coming home the next day. I am ecstatic for a minute, before he drops his bombshell. Gale is coming back with him too.

As I walk to the station the following afternoon I am in a state of total confusion. I can't wait to see Peeta, but I have no idea how I will feel seeing Gale. The part of me that doubts myself wonders if I'll want him, if somehow missing him is wrong. Disrespectful to Peeta, not true to the memory of Prim. I also am completely perplexed by their relationship with each other. I always thought I was central to it and in the past they both seemed to regard each other with a respectful jealousy. I have variously chosen one over the other and somehow, they both always seemed to accept this, Peeta perhaps more graciously than Gale. Now they seem connected to each other, bound together through their vision for the future of Panem. I think back to the conversation I overheard between the two of them when we were raiding the Capitol. Perhaps they are more open and honest with each other than I realise, than I have been with either of them in the past.

Things are different now though. I have recently been completely honest with Peeta about so many things and he has been unfailingly accepting. Still, I am anxious, and get to the station earlier than necessary. I pace up and down the platform while I wait, physically unable to stand still. When the train finally draws into the station I don't know where they'll be so I wait at the front end. I frantically scan the descending passengers until I see Peeta climbing down the stairs, carrying two big suitcases. I run to him and throw myself into his arms, almost knocking him over. He pulls me close, so tightly it almost hurts. 'Katniss' he murmurs into my hair as I say his name.

I stay close to him for a moment until I hear Gale's voice over my shoulder. 'Hey, Catnip' he says softly. I spin around, 'Hey' is all I manage to reply. I realise I must have run straight past him to get to Peeta. There is a slight pause before I fill the awkward silence. 'Welcome to the new district 12' I say with a mock curtsey. He smiles a little. 'Is it that different?' he asks. 'Yes ' I say. 'Good' he replies.

I don't know who moves first but we pull each other into a close embrace. He feels familiar and strange at the same time. It doesn't last long and I don't know which of us pulls away first either. 'How long can you stay?' I ask him. 'Just two days' he replies. 'I'm justifying being here as district building business.'

'I thought we'd go round the town tomorrow and then if we get all the work done you two can have some time in woods the next day' says Peeta. It sounds perfect to me. 'As long as I don't have to come round town with you' I reply. Both men chuckle at this. 'Definitely not' says Gale. 'It has been decided on high that you are to be kept away from all forms of politics and governance.'

I glower at him, but the humour in his voice makes me feel that we are moving forward.

Gale has only a duffle bag that he slings over his shoulder, but Peeta has several cases and boxes. I ask what the hell is in them all. He shrugs, embarrassed. 'People kept giving me presents. I kept trying to say thanks but no thanks, but it seemed to hurt their feelings so now I have all this.' He can easily carry his own case and another box, but arranges to leave the rest at the Station to collect later.

The long walk back to the village seems even longer than usual. There are patches of friendly conversation interspersed with moments of incredible awkwardness. I can't help but sigh with relief when we arrive and I show Gale to my mother's old room. I tell him to settle himself in and come over to our's for dinner later. He asks if I'm cooking. I laugh and say no, Greasy Sae will be. We reminisce a little about old times in the hob and some of her more creative creations.

As I turn to go he says quietly, 'It's good to see you, Katniss.'

I look into his eyes, so like my own and reply 'you too.' I mean it.

When I get back to my own home Peeta has collapsed on the sofa. I squeeze in next to him. 'It is so good to be home' he says. I am about to tell him it's good to have him back but his lips are already covering mine. We skip over any attempt at foreplay, touching each other only to check we are ready. Peeta is harder than I've ever felt him and I am wet with a week of longing. He pushes me back onto the sofa and I moan as he enters me. He doesn't last long, soon crying out my name desperately as I relish his final deep thrusts inside me. He pauses for a second to get his breath back then pulls away. He makes me sit up then crouches between my legs and brings me to my own swift climax with the insistent strokes of his tongue.

As we sit and recover I ask him how his trip had been.

'It was Hell' he said, and looking at him more closely I see the dark circles under his eyes. I prise open his hands and see the tell-tale red marks of his fits. 'Want to talk about it?' I ask. He closes his eyes and pulls me closer. 'No' is all he says. We stay like that until the door opens and Greasy Sae comes in. Peeta gets up to greet her and she pulls him into a big hug before heading to the kitchen to start on dinner.

I help Peeta take his things upstairs. The box is full of the gifts he considered most important. There was a large shell from Annie that Peeta holds to my ear to hear the sea. It sounds more like the wind in the woods to me. He laughs as he watches me unwrap a horrible glass vase. 'That's from Effie' he laughs. 'You saw Effie' I cry out, my eyebrows shooting up high. 'How is she?' Peeta frowns, not sure how to answer. 'She seemed smaller' he says 'and without her hair and ridiculous make-up she is actually not bad looking.' He explains that the vase had taken pride of place in her apartment so even though it is clearly hideous, she really had meant it to be special. I promise to write and thank her, knowing I stand a better chance of sounding sincere in writing than on the phone. There is one final present, a box from my mother. I open it and find it full of little jars of grey pills. There must be at least fourty jars, fifty pills per jar.

Peeta does the maths for me. 'Five years' worth' he says, smiling. I laugh, pull him to me and kiss him hard. 'So that wasn't an awkward conversation to have with my mother?' I say playfully when we part. He colours a little. 'No, it was great fun' he says then tells me about her little apartment, how you can just see the sea from her front window, how she is doing. She sounds sad, but not depressed, not like when Dad had died, and is clearly keeping busy with her work. He thinks she'll visit at some point, just not yet, Prim's absence is still too raw.

There is a knock at the door which makes us both jump. 'Must be Gale,' says Peeta. 'Nobody around here ever bothers to knock.'

When we go downstairs Gale has picked up Sae and is giving her a huge bear hug. She looks rather flushed and is clearly enjoying it. She sits us down so we're out of her way as she bustles around the kitchen. She asks lots of questions about the Capitol which Peeta and Gale try to answer, but as she's never been there it's hard to explain. In the end Peeta gets one of his sketchbooks out and Gale explains all the buildings and people he has captured on the trip. There is an awkward moment when he flicks through and finds a picture of me, but we brush over it and move on. I am relieved that's is just my face. Peeta has increasingly been filling his notebooks with pictures of me naked. Haymitch turns up in time for food and has his own questions about how things are going in the Capitol. He is a bit brusque with Gale so under the pretense of getting a second helping of potatoes I ask him what his problem is. He shrugs. 'No problem, I've just always been on team Peeta.' I role my eyes. 'Grow up' I say. 'Peeta's already won'. He squints at me and says darkly 'Sweetheart, you don't stop supporting your team just because they've won.' I can't think of anything to say to this but I think he's a bit more polite after that. He has lots of questions about Effie for Peeta and tells us some hilarious stories about weird things she's worn and done over the years. Peeta says again that she seems smaller and Haymitch wants to know what he means so Peeta takes his book back, flicks to a blank page and quickly does a rough sketch of Effie as she is now, her hair dark, straight and falling to her shoulders, her face free of colours, sitting in a chair with a cup of tea. I nearly cry at how changed she looks, but how it is still clearly her. Haymitch excuses himself at this point and Gale obviously feels he should do the same. Sae says she'll clean up so we go up to bed. I have vague plans about how I want to show Peeta just how much I've missed him, but by the time I've taken my clothes off he is already fast asleep. I curl up next to him, lay my head on his chest and let his heartbeat lull me to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

Peeta, Gale and, to my surprise, Haymitch, head into town early. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Haymitch takes an interest, after all he was one of the people who instigated the whole rebellion and his tactical manipulation of tributes, victors and games masters set everything in motion. It makes sense that he did this with some kind of vision of the future in mind.

I walk in with them, but as they go to the main square to meet Thom for a tour of the rebuild I veer off to Sae's house. She asks how Peeta is, having noticed how tired he looked the day before. I say I think he's ok, he just hated being back where he was tortured and blown up. He'll be ok now he's home. She smiles and says how it must be nice seeing Gale again. I almost tell her that I don't know how I feel about it, but decide I don't really want to talk or think about it so I just nod and say yes.

I decide to go to the woods, not to hunt but to check all of Gale's old traps to make sure they're ok. Some I use regularly but others I have never bothered to reset and don't want him to think I'm not taking care of things. It sounds odd even in my head, but it feels very important to me anyway.

When I get home I find Peeta, Gale, Haymitch, Thom, a man called James who came from 13 and a woman called Haillie who used to teach the final year of school and now runs the whole place. I was never taught by her having been reaped before reaching the final grade. They are sitting around the table which is covered with plans and documents. I make myself a cup of tea then duck upstairs, not wanting to get involved. I start writing my entry from Prim in our book. Somehow seeing Gale again has got me over another hurdle towards dealing with her death. Tears fall from my eyes onto the page as I write carefully, trying not to smudge the letters.

It reads: Primrose Everdene. My beautiful sister. She was everything to me. She was kind, patient, wise and brave – a born healer. I will miss her always.

I make a mental note to ask Peeta to draw a picture of her rather than a photo. I want the Primrose in the book to be her as she was at the end, a young medic, wise beyond her years and endlessly caring. I don't have any photos of her then but Peeta has many sketches of her during her hospital visits to him.

I hear the front door bang and voices disappearing down the street. I head downstairs and find just Peeta and Gale, still pouring over their work. 'How's it going?' I ask. Peeta runs his fingers through his hair making it stand up. 'Getting there' he says. Gale just sighs. 'Slowly' he adds. I make us all some dinner which we eat in the living room so as not to disturb their work, our plates on our knees. Gale turns the TV on without asking if it's ok, an act that annoys me a disproportionate amount. I storm off back upstairs without saying goodbye.

I start writing a letter to Effie but get stuck. Not on the thank you part, I manage to sound grateful easily enough especially as I am genuinely touched that she gave us a gift even if I hate the actual present. I more struggle with telling her how we are doing, as I am not too oblivious to realise that these gifts are really wedding presents. I want to explain to her that I really do love Peeta, but I find this hard to express to her. I also have no idea how to describe what is happening in our district as she never really did understand anything about our lives here. Or the old Effie, with her wigs and lipstick didn't, maybe the new Effie with her thin, dark hair would.

It's a long time before the door bangs again and Peeta staggers up to bed. He looks exhausted. 'I think we've got everything sorted' he says, perching on the edge of the bed to take his leg off. I pat the bed next to me and he comes and lies down next to me.

Tonight we take the time to get reacquainted with each other's bodies. I stroke every inch of his chest, stomach and thighs, soft skin and scars alike. He slowly kisses me from neck to my centre, driving me crazy with his patience. That night we come together for the first time, crying out in harmony as our climaxes overwhelm us.

I'm woken by Peeta early, and for a moment I worry he is having an episode, but he kisses me tenderly and tells me to go back to sleep, that he is just going to put the bread in the oven. I remember that today I am going to the woods with Gale and my stomach knots with anticipation and worry. I try to concentrate on the sounds of Peeta stomping around his kitchen, sounds I've missed since he's been away. I'm still in bed when Gale knocks on the door. I hear him come in and the hum of their voices. Their voices are both too deep to carry properly so I can't hear what they are saying. I open the bedroom door to listen while I start getting ready. Thye start by talking about district stuff. It is Gale who makes it personal first. 'Thanks for suggesting this, today' he says seriously. There's a pause and I picture Peeta shrugging. 'It's ok' he says quietly. 'You need some time to appreciate your home again, the place that was important to you.' He pauses again. 'And the people' he adds. 'Well, I do appreciate it' says Gale. Peeta laughs a little. 'Well it's not like Katniss has so many friends that she can afford to lose any'. I frown at this but I hear Gale chuckle too. 'I don't know why' he says 'She's always been such a delight.' At this point I stomp down the stairs. 'You're beginning to sound like Haymitch' I say, not sure if I'm genuinely annoyed myself or putting it on. Peeta hands me a cup of tea and starts dishing out a breakfast of eggs and toast.

Gale frowns as he eats. 'This will be a new experience' he says thoughtfully. I tense, wondering where he is going with this. He looks up and smiles, 'I mean going hunting on a full stomach.' I laugh at that and Peeta gives him seconds. He gives me a bag of bread rolls and some slices of cheese for lunch and I kiss him on the cheek before grabbing my gear and heading off. He calls out to me to get some mushrooms if I can.

Gale and I walk to the woods mostly in silence. I suppose it is hard for him, coming back here, seeing it all so different. Apart from our Victor's village there really is nothing about 12 that is the same. He smiles when we get to the woods though, as we climb under the fence. The familiarity of it all is nice. I have my own favourite paths and Gale has his, but I can follow mine any day so I let him lead. He goes straight to check on some of his traps. He laughs when he sees that I've set them for him. It is a beautiful morning, perfect for hunting as we move silently through the trees. Gale misses his first shot, a pretty easy one too, and I tease him for being a city boy now. He doesn't miss his second.

We only really start talking when we stop for lunch. We stop where we ate all those years ago, before the reaping, before everything changed. I put the bag of food between us and we help ourselves. The rolls have rosemary and big flakes of salt on top and are delicious. Gale is obviously thinking back too. 'You remember I brought bread that day' I nod. 'I got it from Peeta. It's funny how things are all connected.' I frown. 'I didn't know that' I say. 'I remember it being delicious, and you saying it should be, it cost you a squirrel.'

Gale nodded. 'It did. I went to the bakery to trade with Peeta's dad, like usual, but because of the reaping he was too busy. His wife was there and so many customers that he shook his head and waved me away. Peeta must have seen me and came running out with that roll. I guess he got out of working because of the reaping. He would have been the only one of his brothers still young enough.'

I feel guilty that Gale seems to know more about Peeta's family that I do. 'I didn't know how old his brothers were.' I say sadly. 'I don't even know their names' Gale looked surprised. 'Josef and Markus. Josef was in my class at school but was one of the oldest in the year so was already eighteen by that reaping. We were all very aware of who was and who wasn't. Who was safe. Markus was a couple of years older again.' 'What were they like?' I ask, eager to know more. Gale smiled. 'Not as nice as Peeta' is all he says.

I feel I have to say something that has been on my mind. 'How do you and Peeta get on? I mean with me having messed you both around, you both just seem to accept each other, you never fight and..' Gale's laughter cut me off. 'What?' I ask. Gale shakes his head. 'He didn't tell you about the fight we had in the Capitol then?' My stunned silence answers the question without me needed to say anything.

Gale can't help smiling as he explains. 'We were in a meeting with Paylor, Plutarch, the rest of the council and district representatives. There were so many different things we had to make decisions on. It was going ok until we got to nuclear disarmament.' My face must look blank again as Gale explains. 'Nuclear disarmament is the idea that we should completely dismantle all nuclear weapons in Panem.' 'Let me guess' I say dryly 'Peeta is pro you are against.' 'Got it in one, Catnip' he continues. 'We both argued our cases but it got really heated. We properly butted antlers and in the end we were both forcibly removed from the room, thrown into the corridor to sort out "our issues" without disrupting the meeting.' My eyebrows shoot up. 'What happened?' Gale shrugged. 'Well there weren't any chairs so we sat on the floor like naughty children and laughed. It was just so ridiculous. I mean, we do disagree over defence strategies, probably always will, but clearly we also just needed to shout at each other a bit. It was just totally inappropriate to get it all out in a government meeting.'

We pause for a bit to think about this. I come to a realisation. 'You were right' I say. 'What you said in the capitol was true.' He frowns. 'What did I say?' 'You told Peeta I would chose whoever I needed more to survive. I hated you for it at the time, you made me sound so cold. But you were right. I need him. I need his peace, his ability to forgive, to build and create. You and I, we'd be too angry, too destructive.' I sigh, knowing for the first time that this is true, but not sure if I'm explaining it properly. 'It's not just about Prim, though I still find it hard to think of you without thinking of her, without a bit of blame. It's about you making me see what's wrong with the world, and him making me see what's right.'

Gale just nods and we sit in silence for a while. A bird lands near us, a wren. We just watch it as it hops around. 'It was true, what you said about having a toasting.' Gale says it as a statement, not a question so I don't respond. My silence confirms it anyway. 'When I first saw the propo I thought it was just another gimmick' he continues. 'And Peeta got so embarrassed when people kept giving him wedding presents and asking about you that I thought it must be fake. But then I saw how you looked at him, how comfortable you are together and I realised it was real. How did it happen?'

'By accident' I say. Gale laughs. 'How can you accidentally get married?' he asks. 'We didn't have any fresh bread so we were toasting an old loaf on the fire. Somehow we just realised we were acting out the ceremony and it felt right, so we fed each other, said our words and that was it. The only person I told was Sae.' 'Until you announced it on national television' laughs Gale. 'How did your Mother take that?' I screw up my face in thought 'I don't think she's ever mentioned it. Maybe she thinks it's a publicity stunt too. I suppose she already knew we were….' I tail off realising I am not finishing that sentence. Gale laughs. 'Oh my god. Katniss Everdene, the girl who caught fire as soon as the topic of sex was mentioned.' I want to deny it but I can feel my face burning up. 'I don't want to talk about it.' I say 'especially with you.' 'Ok, fine' he says, stretching out in the dappled sun and playing with a blade of grass. I can see that he is trying not to smile though. This wasn't the reaction I was expecting. 'What about you?' I ask hesitantly. 'Have you...?' Gale looks surprised. 'Oh, so we are talking about this now? Ok, then. Yes.' I roll my eyes. 'Yes….' I prompt. He shrugs. 'There are a fair number of women in the Capitol who are willing participants, but there hasn't been anyone special yet.'

I don't know how I feel about this. How many is a fair few? I don't ask him this. In fact I don't say anything. I have plenty to say after his next revelation though. 'I should probably tell you that one of them was your friend Johanna.' 'What? Johanna Mason? When? What?' I find that I am laughing. Gale shrugs. 'Only a couple of times.' This makes me laugh harder and echo him 'Only a couple of times?' He smiles but then gets serious. 'Yeah. It was fun but then we actually started to get to know each other and it was weird, so now we're just friends.' 'Wow' I say. 'I wasn't expecting that. You and Johanna, huh?' I realise I haven't spoken to her since I got back to 12. I really should have got in touch. 'How is she?' I ask. Gale shrugs. 'Good days and bad. Rainy days aren't good and she still freaks out at lightening but most of the time she's ok. Peeta must be the same, right?'

'He's not great in lightening, but rain doesn't seem to bother him.' I answer honestly.

Gale nods, 'I guess that makes sense.' Not to me it doesn't so I ask him what the hell he's talking about. He frowns. 'Well from how they were tortured in the Capitol.' I still don't understand 'Did Johanna tell you this?' I ask, confused. 'No, Peeta did. You mean he hasn't told you what they did to him?' 'No' I say. 'I only know what everyone said about him when we were in 13, about the hijacking. And I know what he's like now when he has an episode.' I pause, knowing I should ask Peeta this, not Gale, but I think Gale is more likely to give me an honest answer. 'How bad was he, in the Capitol?'

Gale lies down and stares at the sky, maybe not wanting to meet my eyes. 'If you'd asked me two days ago I would have said mostly ok, but having seen how well is his when he's here I guess from your point of view he would have seemed pretty bad. He had maybe three or four, what do you call them? Episodes? Three or four of them a day. Mostly he just needed to get out of the room we were in. He'd grab a chair or a railing and breathe deeply for a bit. It seemed to help if I was there to answer his questions, you know the whole 'real or not real' thing. The place brought back some pretty messed up things for him, sadly most of which I think were real. Still, he was so much better than he was last time I saw him and everyone kept saying that it was a miracle, no one has ever recovered from a hijacking before. Him dashing out every so often didn't seem like a big deal.'

'But' I say. 'There sounds like a but' He nods. 'There was one bad one. We were discussing, well actually I can't tell you what we were discussing, but we needed to look at some plans. There are several secure rooms downstairs that is where we now store all classified documents. No one knew what the rooms used to be for so we marched down there not realising we were taking Peeta back to the room he was tortured in.' My eyes fly wide open and my hand covers my mouth. 'Oh, no' I whisper. Gale carries on, still not able to look at me. 'It was horrible. There was nothing I could do to bring him back. Somebody called a Doctor who gave him a sedative, which calmed him down but he was still seeing visions, none of us were even there to him. I hadn't realised until that moment just how hard he fights to keep the visions away. I mean, I'd seen him before when we were trying to get to the President's mansion. I saw how he lost it with Mitchell, how he didn't trust himself and made sure he was chained up at night, but this was so much worse. He wasn't aggressive to anyone else, just himself. His hands were bleeding, he was banging his head against the floor and there was no way to get through to him.'

Gale stops when he realises I am crying. 'Katniss, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything'. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. 'No, go on' I say, trying to keep my voice steady. 'I need to know, and he'll never tell me. He keeps thinking he has to be strong for me, that he needs to protect me. And the worst thing is I let him. I let him comfort me about Prim when he lost his whole family. I let him hold me when I have nightmares about the games when I know he has the same nightmares. I hide here in the woods while he's out there trying to rebuild our world. And look what is does to him. But he's still trying and I want to help him but I keep failing. I keep being selfish and even you, you, know more about what he's gone through than I do.'

I'm sobbing now and Gale tries to hold me, comfort me, but I push him away. 'No' I shout, 'No don't. I don't need you to look after me. I'm ok.' He tries again, this time just to lay his hand on my arm. 'No' I shout again. 'Don't. Finish your story.' He looks unsure. 'Finish your story' I say.

So he does. He tells me how Dr Aurelius had to sedate Peeta. How they carried Peeta back to his room. How when Peeta woke, he couldn't remember what happened or where he was. How he called out for me. How Dr Aurelius talked him through it, through what had triggered his episode. How Peeta had described in exact detail what had happened to him during his torture. It had started with beatings, but mostly to his stomach and back, places that wouldn't show so when he was wheeled out on to camera and told what to say he still had his handsome smile. When they wanted information they would attach electrodes to his chest and shock him if he didn't answer the questions. He couldn't answer any of their questions as he didn't know anything. Haymitch hadn't told us anything about his plans. When he wasn't being questioned he lay there listening to first JOhanna and then Annie scream as they did the same to them. They had teams of interrogators so one of them was always being questioned. Either Peeta was screaming or he was listening to the screams of one of his friends. When they realised he and Annie knew nothing they focussed on Johanna, that's when they added the water to the electricity. Peeta was still being wheeled out for filming, even though he had barely slept in weeks, had kidney damage from the beatings and still had the screams echoing in his head. When he overheard someone talking about bombing district 13 no one took any notice of him because they thought they'd already beaten him unconscious. When he managed to get the warning out they started with the tracker-jacker venom. They injected it into his muscles, each injection burning as if the insects themselves were stinging him from the inside.

Gale stops then. At that point of the story Peeta started fitting again so Dr Aurelius sedated him and sent Gale home.

By this point I am shaking, not even able to cry. I am unable to resist as Gale gathers me in his arms. As he holds me he says quietly. 'The worst part of it is that the next morning, I turn up late to our meeting tired and drained. I go down to catch up with the others in the secure document room and Peeta is already there. He looks like shit, but he's there. When I walk in he is leaning over a map with Paylor. He mouths "thanks" to me.' Through my sobs this makes me laugh. 'I know' says Gale. 'I've never felt like such a dick.'

He holds me until I calm down enough to whisper. 'I want to go home.' 'Ok' he says and helps me get up. 'But we have to get mushrooms on the way.'

By the time we find mushrooms I am calmer, and can thank Gale for telling me everything and, more importantly, for being there for Peeta. He shrugs it off and we don't talk the rest of the way home.

When we get back Peeta is in the kitchen. I run straight into his arms. He holds me close but asks me in a puzzled voice what's up. I can't answer now so I say nothing and tell him that I love him. He pulls back to look at me and I see the worry in his blue eyes. 'I'm fine' I assure him, not wanting to be looked after. 'We brought you mushrooms.' Gale puts them on the table and Peeta thanks him and starts chopping them up. I see a pot on the stove and a dish already lined with pastry.

'How was your day?' he asks us both as he adds the mushrooms to the pot. I blurt out the first thing I can think of that isn't related to him. 'Gale had sex with Johanna'. He stops, and turns eyes wide. 'Not today in the woods, I'm assuming.' Gale sighed. 'No, in the Capitol last month. Catnip, I can't believe you.' I pull a face at him. Peeta just laughs. 'You're a brave man. Did Katniss ever tell you about the first time we met her?' Gale shakes his head and Peeta explains how she stripped of in the lift, an action much appreciated by himself and Haymitch, not so much by me.

And that is how we spend the rest of the evening, talking about people we know, making each other laugh, eating beef and mushroom pie. Gale says he should get us a toasting present and Peeta agrees, but only on the condition he can find something uglier than Effie's vase. It feels so normal, so far removed from what Gale was telling me before. When Gale excuses himself, saying he has an early train in the morning. Peeta sits next to me and takes my hand. 'Why were you really upset earlier?' he asks seriously. I take a deep breath. 'Because Gale told me what happened in the Capitol, to you.' Peeta frowns. 'He shouldn't have done that.' I shake my head. 'No, you should. But you hadn't so far and I can only assume you weren't going to.' He looks down at our hands, entwined on the table. 'No I wasn't. I didn't see what good it would do. You'd only worry more.' I make him look up at me and say. 'So? That's what I'm here for. We not you and me anymore. We're us. We get through this together.'

'Ok' he says simply. He picks me up from my chair, carries me upstairs and makes love to me. 'You're worth holding on for' he whispers into my hair as I fall asleep, my head on his chest.

We walk Gale to the station in the morning. I am sad to see him go. I feel that we can actually be friends now, that we have let each other go enough to be able to move on and get to know each other again. Peeta tells him is always welcome to come and stay and they do that weird not hug, hug thing that men do. Gale squeezes me tightly and whispers 'See ya, Catnip' in my ear before hopping on the train.

We collect the rest of Peeta's boxes from the station office and head home to open the rest of our wedding presents.


	16. Chapter 16

We open our presents when we get home, and I'm touched by how many people have thought of us. Peeta starts making a list of who gave us what.

There is jewellery, home wares, books, picture frames. Halfway through opening it all Peeta yawns and I send him to bed. The stress of the week has obviously caught up with him. He sleeps all day. I spend the time writing letters to those that I know who gave us gifts. I'm surprised that we got things from people I've never even met. Maybe Peeta's right, we are still a symbol of hope to some people, though why you would buy towels as a wedding gift for a symbol of hope I don't know.

I start by writing to Johanna who has given us a beautiful wooden box. It has been carved from a single piece of wood but has drawers and a lid that slides off. The note with it says 'to store your good memories xxx'. I immediately transfer my precious things from the old, cardboard box that I keep in my drawer into this new one. The pearl Peeta gave me during the Quell, my mocking jay pin, my photo of Prim. I wonder what Peeta will put in it.

My letter to Johanna starts with an apology for not writing before. I am honest with her about how I was when I first returned home, and how I have gradually gotten better, how we both have. I ask her how she is doing and tease her about Gale. I tell her to look after him for me. I ask her to visit us sometime. I don't seal the letter in case Peeta wants to add anything.

I get bored during the afternoon and visit Haymitch. He is in an excellent mood and takes me outside to show me why. One of his geese, I can't tell which is which even though he says they look completely different, attacks me. It walks towards me flapping its wings and squawking.

'Did you see?' Haymitch asks excitedly. 'See what?' I ask. 'Your bloody bird on the warpath?' Haymitch laughs. 'Did you see what he was protecting?' I shake my head and Haymitch carefully points out a pile of eggs. I laugh. 'Ah, Haymitch. Who'd have thought you'd be the first one of us to me a mummy!' He's very pleased though so we have a glass of wine to celebrate. It's there that the call comes through that Annie's had her baby, a little boy called Finn in honour of his father. Haymitch pretends to be pissed off that he isn't the first of us to start a family and we toast the baby some more. We are obviously not quiet as Peeta staggers in, bleary eyed, wanting to know what all the fuss is about. We tell him about Annie and Finn, and the eggs and get him a drink too. Haymitch actually makes us dinner, for a change and it isn't half bad. The wine obviously goes straight to Peeta's head though and he stumbles back to bed straight after dinner. Haymitch and I stay up, talking. I realise I hadn't told him about Johanna and Gale but he doesn't seem that surprised. In fact he laughs at me again for being so innocent. We talk about Johanna a bit more, then move on to Effie.

Haymitch actually admits to missing her. He says she became the district twelve manager his third year of mentoring, so that makes it twenty-one years they were thrown together. That's longer than I've even been alive. He says that annoying her gave him a certain amount of purpose and admits that losing all those tributes, well it was something only they shared. Only the two of them could remember every name and face of every boy and girl from twelve sent into the arena. I suggest he visits her but he shakes his head, saying he's never going back to the Capitol. I tell him what Gale told me about Peeta, his fits, his torture and his refusal to stop working. Haymitch doesn't comment beyond saying 'see, going to the Capitol is bad for your health.' I wonder if he already knew, if Peeta had told him.

Life begins to settle into a routine. I hunt, Peeta bakes and Haymitch alternates between drinking and cooing over his goslings. Even I have to admit that they're pretty cute, even though I call them food to their tiny little faces.

Things continue as normal until my birthday creeps up. Peeta hasn't said anything so I mention it first. He doesn't look surprised; he just says simply that he has already got the ingredients for my cake, if I still want the same one as he made for his own birthday. I do, so nothing further is said.

The day before my birthday, when I get back from hunting, Peeta won't let me in the kitchen at all. He says he doesn't want me to see the cake. He asks what I want to do and I tell him I want to go to the lake.

We set off early and take a picnic. It is a beautiful day and the lake is so still the woods are reflected perfectly in it. Peeta spreads a blanket out by the edge and then pulls me down onto it and kisses me all over. I don't usually stop him once his tongue is on me, but today I do. I want to feel his weight against me, feel him deep inside me and to watch him, his eyes burning with desire as I come, hard.

Afterwards we are sweaty from our exertions so we dive naked into the water. Peeta is getting better at swimming and can tread water well enough to kiss me at the same time. I enjoy the feel of his hot body in the cool water. He gets out and I do some laps, enjoying stretching my muscles out and the view of him, still naked on our rug. When I get out he towels me down and we head back. Peeta is very quiet on the way back and I wonder if anything is wrong. It is only when we get home that I realise why.

As I open the door a cry of 'surprise' makes me jump and cry out. Peeta laughs and guides me inside to see everyone I know. I run to my mother first, who holds me tight. 'Oh, Katniss, my beautiful girl. I've missed you' she says as she hugs me. Gale is next, saying 'Happy Birthday, Catnip.' His whole family are there too. Hazelle gives me a warm hug and I can't believe how much the kids have grown. I wouldn't even call Rory a kid anymore, he is definitely on the way to manhood and looks so much like Gale when I first knew him. Johanna sweeps me off my feet and swings me round before dropping me in front of Annie, who is bouncing her baby on her hip. She holds him out to me and I take him, terrified. He is so small and delicate, but the second I hold him he lets out a scream that is unbelievably loud for something so small. Annie hastily takes him back and I sigh with relief. There are people there from town, Sae, Thom, James, Hallie and Aran's parents are the first I see. Aran is there but is preoccupied with chasing Posy, who is couple of years older and a head taller than him but he is clearly already smitten. Delly is there too and gives me a big squeeze. I hadn't even known she was back. Haymitch gives me a big hug and the steps back and gestures to someone behind him. I takes me a moment before I scream 'Effie' and almost knock her over. 'Happy birthday, Katniss' she says formally and her voice is the same as ever, she just looks so different. 'I can't believe you're here' I say to her and she colours prettily, touched that I'm pleased to see her.

Peeta starts giving orders and trays of food are brought out. Rory seems to be in charge of the food and Peeta tells me he spent all of yesterday helping him prepare the pies and pastries and had been given strict instructions about what to do today while we were out. It is amazing. Everyone grabs food and stands around chatting. It's like a weird dream at first, people from different parts of my life all mingling together. Hazelle and Effie, my mother and Johanna, Delly and Gale. I barely eat anything because I want to talk to everyone. It's a complete whirlwind of an evening. At some point it quietens down and Peeta brings out the cake. It is like the one he made for his birthday but there are two tiers and candles on top. I blow them out and everyone sings, not all in the same key but they all sing.

My mother says a few words about how proud she is of me, of the little girl I was, the woman I've become and how strong I've been for the family. She tells me that my father and sister would be so proud of me if they were here and I try so hard not to cry. Gale follows her by telling everyone the story of how we first met, how he misheard my name and accused me of stealing from his illegal traps. He said I was angry and beautiful then, and unlike my mother, he couldn't see much of a difference between then and now. You can tell he's been working in politics as he gets the timing just right and everybody laughs in all the proper places.

Finally Peeta steps forward. 'There's no need for me to tell you how Katniss and I first met as the majority of our relationship has been televised.' The crowd chuckle appreciatively. 'What I do want to tell you is how much she means to me. She has got me through the darkest times, given me something to hope for, to live for and I can never thank you enough for that.' 'You don't have to' I say, meaning it. 'Shhh' he says, this is my speech, not yours' and everyone laughs. He takes a little red velvet pouch out of his pocket and hands it to me. 'I don't have any family heirlooms to pass down, so this is something new, to represent a new life. A life together.' I open the pouch and pull out a simple gold band. It hits me that this isn't just a birthday, this is the wedding we were never going to have. Peeta slips the ring onto my finger and pulls me close. 'Happy Birthday, Katniss' he whispers in my ear as everyone cheers.

At that moment I hear a fiddle and see James with a violin and Thom with a wooden flute. They start up a fast song and I meet Peeta's eyes. 'Shall we?' he says and we grab each other and start swinging each other around. Haymitch and my mother join in, becoming a spinning mass of blonde hair. It strikes me that they are the same age, which seems weird given I have such different relationships with them. I see Gale trying to convince Johanna to dance but she refuses to join in what she calls 'weird, district 12 peasant shit' so he grabs Greasy Sae instead. Soon everyone is dancing, even Annie sways with her baby and Posy and Aran spin round making up their own little steps. We swap partners so I'm with Haymitch and Peeta leads my mother. Haymitch smiles at me. 'You've had it rough sweetheart, I really do wish you every happiness for the future.' 'Shut up or I'll cry' I say and he smiles. We all swap again and I end up in Gales arms. 'Hey cousin' he jokes as he spins me. 'I can't believe you're all here' I say I return. 'We came for the cake' he jokes.

I have never enjoyed a party so much in my life. Normally I see them as chores to be endured, see the guests as necessary evils, but this one flies by. I don't have nearly enough time to spend with everyone and it's exhausting trying. I sink onto the sofa to rest my feet, sore from all the dancing, and find myself dozing off. I wake up to find myself in Peeta's arms. 'Bed time' he says, softly. 'No' I object, 'I'm enjoying my party.' 'Your eyes are closed' he says. 'So, I can enjoy it with my eyes closed' I say but I don't have the energy to resist as he carries me upstairs and tucks me in. 'Wait' I say as he gets up to leave. 'If this is our wedding, you can't go yet.' He smiles as he reaches down to kiss my forehead. 'Go to sleep, Katniss. We'll have all the time in the world tomorrow and since when have you cared so much about tradition. It's not like we've done any of it in the right order anyway.' I try to argue but I drift off, happier than I can remember ever being.


	17. Chapter 17

I wake the morning after my birthday to find Peeta's arms around me and his firm erection digging into my back. I smile contently then wiggle back into him, letting him know that I'm awake. He sleepily murmurs 'morning' and starts kissing my neck. I can't move as his arms are pinning me so I simply enjoy his caresses. I enjoy it even more when his hands start massaging my breasts. I feel myself getting hot and wet but he is holding me close and I can't turn around. He strokes and kisses me until I whimper with need, then gently slides inside me. He moves slowly, sleepily in and out until he reaches one of his hands down to touch me. It is too much. One hand touching me, the other rubbing my nipple as he thrusts inside me is the greatest pleasure I have ever felt. He is everything, everywhere. I push back hard against him. hear him breathing in my ear, feeling his breath on my neck as I arch back again and again, urging him deeper, faster. He has control of me completely and brings us off together as we both cry out.

He moves his hand back up and holds me tightly as we both catch our breath. When he pulls out of me I roll over to face him. 'Thank you' I say. 'For what?' he asks. 'For my party, for my ring and most recently, for the most amazing sex I've ever had.' He smiles. 'You are most welcome.' We lie there for a bit, basking in each other, but are disturbed by voices from downstairs. We get up, throw some clothes on and go down. Gale is sitting at our kitchen table having an argument with his brother Rory, who appears to be kneading dough in our kitchen.

'You're too young' Gale says. 'I don't care what you say, you are not living on your own.'

'Rubbish' replies Rory, pounding the mixture to vent his anger. 'I'm fifteen. When you were my age you went off into the woods and did whatever you wanted.' 'When I was your age I had a family to take care of' Gale spat back. 'A family you have to take care of now I'm away from home so much.' 'It's not the same' whined Rory. 'There's enough food now, Mum doesn't have to work her fingers to the bone. Vick and Posy don't need me and I want to be here. I want to help rebuild my home. District 2 isn't my home, can't you see that? Just because you've chosen your life doesn't mean I have to follow you too.'

I catch Peeta's eye and know is also wondering if we can sneak back upstairs without getting involved. But it's too late. Gale drags us into it. 'Katniss, Peeta, will you tell Rory that he can't stay here. He's got this half-baked notion that he can move back to district 12 on his own and learn some kind of trade, even though he's only fifteen.' 'Mmm' says Peeta noncommittally. He goes over to see how Rory is doing with the bread. 'Add a touch more flour and you're nearly there.' He says. Rory smiles, does as he says and keeps kneading. Gale continues. 'I mean it's ridiculous, what would you do? Learn to build? Learn to plumb?' 'I could' shouts Rory over his shoulder. 'I could learn, Thom could teach me.' 'Great, so now you want to be burden to someone who is already trying to rebuild the town and will likely be the first district representative. I'm sure what he really wants is to look after a selfish little teenage boy as well. ' Fine' shouts Rory. 'I'll do something else.' 'Like what?' asks Gale, exasperated.

It seems so obvious to me. I decide to weigh in. 'Isn't it obvious?' I ask. All three men turn to stare at me. 'What?' they all ask. 'Isn't it obvious?' I ask again. Peeta gets it first and laughs. 'Hey, that's a great idea.' But the Hawthorne men don't catch on as quickly. 'What's a great idea?' asks Gale while Rory just looks lost.

'The new bakery will be finished soon' explains Peeta, 'but I don't want to run it. Too many memories and to be frank, I just don't want to be that tied down to anything. The plan was I'd start it off but would eventually train up one of the new arrivals. If Rory is interested...'

Rory's eyes shoot open wide. 'Hell, yeah, I'm interested' he says. Peeta is diplomatic though and turns to Gale to ask permission. Gale searches for objections, but can't find any. 'Where would he live?' is his only feeble question. 'There'll be a room above the shop when it's finished. Until then he can stay in Katniss' old house' is Peeta's answer. Gale shrugs, defeated. 'Fine, but you have to tell Mum' he says to Rory. 'I will' his brother promises. 'Right after I've finished these loaves.'

Peeta supervises him finishing off, though he doesn't have to do much, Rory seems a natural, much better than me anyhow.

'Half-baked idea' I tease Gale.

Gale has to leave later that day. Elections are starting and he is going to each district in turn to help conduct them. Before he does he gives us our wedding present. 'I found this in a market in the Capitol.' He explains. 'People are selling off a lot of their non-essential stuff.' He pulls out a large commemorative plate. It is hideous. Peeta can't stop laughing when he see's it. It is a plate commemorating the wedding we didn't have. It has our names at the top, "Star-crossed lovers from district twelve" around the bottom, and in the middle a grossly overstated picture of us. Peeta's jaw is huge in it and my hair is piled up in ridiculous fashion over my stupidly big fake-doe eyes. 'It's horrible. It's perfect' laughs Peeta. I am less amused. 'It's not going on display' I say crossly. Gale pretends to be hurt. 'But it's my wedding present to you both. You have to hang it up, give it pride of place.' In the end I compromise and hang it in the downstairs toilet.


	18. Chapter 18

It should have been a joyous occasion, a sign of progress, but to me it felt like a reaping all over again. Or to be accurate it felt like a warped dream version of a reaping. Gale was up on stage with President Paylor instead of Effie and I was clutching Peeta's hand, terrified he would be chosen.

Gale explained the system to the whole town, speaking into the microphone so he could be heard. 'By the law of New Panem, the country will be ruled by a president and a high council of representatives from the Districts. Each district will have one, two or three representative depending on its population. Each district will elect its own representative by a system of nomination, seconding and a vote. There is no limit to the number of nominations. Each district resident over the age of 18 will have one vote. Here in District 12 you will have one representative on the council to be reviewed annually as the population grows. Do I have any nominations?'

A voice in the crowd called out 'I nominate Peeta Mellark' 'Seconded' cried another five or six voices. I squeezed Peeta's hand and whisper 'it's ok, we thought this might happen, I'll stick to the plan' before he headed up to the stage. I could see his arm shaking and his hand curled into a fist and knew that he was fighting off a fit. This was just too like a reaping, even if it was supposed to be just the opposite. But Peeta was not going to the Capitol again, whatever happened. I wouldn't allow it. Peeta and Gale exchanged a knowing look before Gale called out again. 'Are there any more nominations.'

I stick to Peeta's plan, trusting him completely. 'I nominate Thomas Applegate' I call out and see my face on the screen projected at the front, just as I had all those years ago. 'Seconded' called out a voice from behind me and Haymitch gave a little bow as the cameras panned to him. Thom went up and joined Peeta on the platform. Gale called for more nominations but the crowd was silent. He asked twice more, then announced the vote. 'All those for Mr Applegate, raise your hands.' My hand shot up, as did Peeta's, Haymitch's, Sae's and a few of Thom's buddies. I was worried for a moment that there weren't more, but as people saw that it was Peeta and I that wanted Thom, gradually more hands went up until the whole square was filled with arms waving. I sighed with relief, our plan had worked. Peeta had said I had to be the one to nominate Thom. If he had done it, everyone would think he was just being polite. If I did it, people would know it was what we really wanted as I have never been polite in my life.

Peeta smiled with relief as Gale announced that Thomas Applegate was elected to the High Council of Panem as the representative of district 12. They all shook hands and smiled. Paylor said something to Thom and then to Peeta, but all I wanted to do was get the hell away from there, get Peeta away from there. I barged up on to the stage. A guard went to stop me but Paylor gestured for me to be allowed through. 'Katnisss, how are you?' she asked. 'Good' I reply. 'Better now I know my husband won't be dragged off to the Capitol again.' I've only just started calling Peeta my husband and it still sounds exotic and strange to me. I like the weight it carries though. When trying to make a point to the President of New Panem, 'sort of boyfriend' wouldn't sound as good. Peeta asks if we can go, and Paylor nods. Thom looks terrified, but Peeta assures him his door is always open as he shakes his hand again. I don't know if I can hug Gale when he is being so official, but shaking his hand seems ridiculous so I do it anyway. He doesn't object. He gives me a squeeze then jokes about how easy that election was compared to district 11 where they had 23 nominees and over 2000 voters.

Peeta reaches for my hand and I feel that his is still shaking, despite his calm outer demeanour. He manages to walk out of the square, out of the view of the people and the cameras, before he bends over double. 'My god that was so like a reaping' he rasps. 'I know' I say, rubbing his back gently. 'Just breathe, it's over now and you didn't get elected.' He takes a few deeps breaths and then stands again, wanting to get home. When we do, he collapses on the sofa and puts his head in his hands while I make the tea. When I sit down and snuggle into him he smiles. 'This might sound odd, but I think I'm the happiest I've ever been.' It does sound odd given that a minute ago he was fighting off a fit and an hour ago he was terrified of becoming a district representative and being sent to his least favourite place on Earth. I say this and he shrugs. 'Exactly. An hour ago I was terrified but now it's all sorted. Thom got elected, Rory is going to take over the bakery. I actually have nothing to worry about for the first time since, well since I was reaped at sixteen. Or maybe the few minutes earlier when you volunteered. I feel so free right now, it's hard to explain.'

I think I understand. 'Are you sure?' I tease. 'I think I'm still a liability.'

He laughs and waves my comment away with a hand gesture. 'Of course, you're always a liability. So's Haymitch, but I don't mind that. You're my liability.' He pulls me close and kisses me, and I can see in his eyes that he really is happy. Our kiss deepens and Peeta carefully puts down our cups and pulls me onto his lap. His hand reaches up inside my top, stroking first my stomach, then the underside of my breast. He pulls my top up and then repeats his touches with his mouth. My hand goes to his face, where I trace my thumb across his cheekbone, his jaw. I bend down to kiss him again and the familiar warmth overtakes me. I tear my clothes off and lower myself onto him, moaning as he fills me. Our rhythms now also have a sense of familiarity; I know what each twitch of his hips means. Each cry that escapes him tells me exactly what he needs, what he wants, as mine do to him.

As we collapse in each other's arms, I probe my own feelings and find that I am probably the most content I've ever been too. Things aren't perfect. I still miss my sister so much it hurts sometimes, I still worry about Peeta when he fits and I still have nightmares of all the people I've lost and killed. But right now, right here, with Peeta, I can honestly say that I am happy.

Somehow, though the odds were never in our favour, we are still surviving. More than that, we are living.


	19. Chapter 19

**To those of you who don't like own characters, my apologies. I share your aversion but one came to me and has wormed into my head so much that I need to write it out. Plus, deep down, I really want Haymitch to do something other than drink and raise geese. Feedback appreciated, like or no like?**

Life returned to its little routines. Peeta and Rory baked every morning, initially at our house and then at the bakery in town. There was much debate over what to call the bakery, with various memorials to Peeta's family being suggested, but when Peeta painted the sign it just said 'The Bakery' on it. I even got used to Peeta getting up so early and often headed to the woods in the dark when he left for town, pausing in the meadow to wait for the sun to rise.

Thom lost the plot a bit when he returned from the Capitol for the first time. He came over and shouted at Peeta for ages about what he'd gotten him into. Peeta seemed bemused and just let him shout. I couldn't help laughing when Thom started ranting that he was too young to deal with all this representative bullshit, how he was a miner not a politician. He stops mid rant and stares at me, having forgotten I was there. 'I'm sorry' I say 'But you're too young? How old are you anyway? 24? 25?'

Thom frowns. '25, why?' I laugh even louder. 'And you think you're too young. You know Peeta's only 19, right?' He shakes his head slowly, I guess trying to do the maths in his head. I help out. 'Reaped at 16, quarter quell at 17, rebellion at 18, married me at 19. We're still only teenagers. '

Thom looks to Peeta for confirmation. He shrugs to acknowledge his age. 'Well now I feel like a total pratt' says Thom, his voice lowered back to normal pitch. 'Don't worry about it' says Peeta kindly. 'What can I do to help? Political advice? Tea and a Biscuit?' Thom accepts the tea, several biscuits and as much advice as Peeta can give. After that his visits are much calmer and you can almost visibly see him growing into his new role, gaining confidence.

Our next big disruption starts with a phone call while we're having dinner. Peeta answers it and chats away for a while. I can't work out who he's talking to until he laughs and says 'no, you fuck off'. 'Johanna?' I mouth at him and he nods. He says 'see you tomorrow, then' and I get excited. I barely got to talk to her at my birthday because there were so many people. It'll be good to catch up properly. To get to know her properly now that I'm me again, or maybe me for the first time. Peeta's final words puzzle me though, 'Ok, I promise I'll tell him.' Him? What him?

Peeta frowns. 'I need to go see Haymitch' he says. 'To tell him Johanna's coming?' I ask, not sure why that is making his face cloud over. 'To tell him that she's bringing a friend' he says. I don't understand so I follow him out of the house and over to Haymitch's. He doesn't knock but barges in.

Haymitch is out in his yard with his geese. The train is due tomorrow so his liquor stock must be gone or at least waning by now so he appears sober. He looks up to say hi but reads Peeta's expression. 'What's wrong?' he asks. Peeta shrugs. 'I don't know.' Which makes Haymitch laugh. 'Then why the face of doom?' he asks. Peeta sits down on the step and I sit next to him, wanting to know as much as Haymitch. 'I just had a call from Johanna, she said she's coming to a visit.'

'And that is the end of the world because….?' leads Haymitch. Peeta shrugs again. 'She's bringing a friend with her and said I should let you know. Gently.' This is bad, I think. Jo's never done anything gently in her life. I guess that's why she called Peeta to get him to do it.

Haymitch looks tense now. 'Who is it?' he says, then repeats himself before Peeta has a chance to answer. 'Who is it?' he says louder.

'Ella' says Peeta. 'Jo said she's bringing Ella.' The name means nothing to me, but Haymitch's reaction is swift and violent. His race goes red and his knife comes down, slamming into the wood next to Peeta's hand. 'No' he says quietly. 'Ella's dead.' Then he screams at us over and over to get out. We do as he asks. 'What was all that about' I ask Peeta quietly once we our back in our own house. 'I have no idea' he replies. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

I get up early with Peeta and head over to my old house. I make up my room for Johanna, now Rory has vacated to the flat above the bakery, and make up my mother's room for this mysterious friend of hers. Then I head into town and catch up with Peeta at the bakery. It's the busy time of day so I wait outside until the rush is over, saying hi to people as they come and go but not engaging in any conversations. When it's nearly time for the train to be due Peeta comes out and hands me a bag. 'A loaf for lunch, rolls for tonight and a carrot cake' he says. I tuck the bag on my hip, take his hand and we walk across the square towards the train station.

Haymitch is already there. He scowls at us and turns away in a definite non greeting but doesn't move away as we stop next to him. We don't have long to wait as the train is on time for once. Johanna comes barrelling off the train and nearly knocks Peeta over with her hug, despite the fact he is twice her size. Then she does the same to me. 'Kitty-Kat' she says. 'You look human again'. 'Thanks' I say, taking this as a compliment. I look up and see Haymitch, frozen. He is staring at the woman behind Johanna. She has very long, brown hair that curls a little over her shoulders. She stares back at Haymitch and I can't read her hazel eyes though they seem to be communicating, sparks flying between them.

It is Haymitch who ends it. 'No' he says quietly. 'You're dead'. And he turns away and walks up the platform. He exchanges money with one of the porters, picks up a crate, presumably of liquor, then walks away. It is only as he disappears that the girl starts shouting after him, shouting his name over and over, her voice dry and rasping.

When she finally stops screaming there is an awkward silence. Johanna pulls a face at us to acknowledge it but doesn't say anything until the girls turns to face us. 'Hi' is all she says.

'Right, introductions' says Johanna. 'This is Ella. She was my mentor and has been officially dead for the past 6 years. Had us all fooled, but was picked up wandering in the woods after the rebellion. It's taken a while to identify her as the little minx wiped all her records and she didn't trust that the old Capitol had fallen so totally refused to cooperate for a good long time' Johanna pats her on the arm proudly at this. 'But now she's back and I have volunteered to help her reintegrate, which I must say is a massive pain in the butt as she has no idea what has happened in polite society for so long and talks like a retard having only spoken to herself for 6 years, not the best way to have an intelligent conversation.'

'Where have you been, Ella?' asks Peeta kindly moving towards her but then backing away when she looks uncomfortable. 'Walking' she says. 'In the woods.' I catch Johanna's eyes and see her asking me to help. 'We have woods here' I say as gently as I can. Ella smiles a little and meets my eyes for the first time. 'I know. Walked them. Walked all of them.' It's clear she isn't going to say anything else so Johanna takes over again. 'Yes, El has been walking all over Panem for the past six years, having a nice little holiday while I had to mentor and lose more tributes, get reaped as the only surviving female tribute in 7, get tortured in the capitol, and you remember what fun we had there, don't you Peeta, then get sent to bloody district 13, the end of the bloody earth.'

Ella shrugs and smiles. 'Sorry' she says, and I see a glint of something in her eye, something that Johanna reacts to and gives her a huge hug. 'Whatever' she says. 'Let me introduce you to Katniss and Peeta, the star-crossed lovers from district 12.' Ella smiles at us in greeting. 'I don't know what that means' she says. Johanna laughs. 'Of course you don't, because you're a fucking hermit!'

Peeta smiles. 'It's nice to finally meet someone who hasn't watched every move we've made for the last three years.' Johanna hits him. 'Stop being so nice, I'm really mad at her.'

Peeta hits her back. 'No you're not' he says. 'So stop pretending and fill us in on everything.' 'Everything' I repeat for emphasis. Johanna swears at us but laughs and picks up her bag. We start wandering back to the victor's village. Johanna fills us in on her life in 7 and her frequent trips to the Capitol. Peeta asks how she can bear to go back there but it's just a place to her, a place where lots of things are happening and she wants to watch. She points out that she hasn't been back to the mansion and is genuinely shocked when Peeta tells her that he had to, that he had to go back to those rooms. She pulls him close and I have to drop his hand. I can see them whisper something to each other, words of comfort that I don't understand, can't understand as I wasn't there. I see Ella watching them too, frowning slightly. She catches me watching her and shrugs. 'Missed so much' she says. 'Don't understand.'

'It's probably for the best' I sigh, wondering for a moment how I would feel in her position. What if I had run away to the woods with Gale when I'd had the chance? What would coming back to such a different world feel like?

Peeta and Johanna finish their moment and we carry on. He asks the question I've been burning to. 'So where does Haymitch fit into this.' He directs his question to Johanna but it is Ella who answers. 'We were in love' is all she says but the silence that follows this simple statement is deafening. Peeta and I exchange a look then carry on walking in silence. This is going to be an interesting visit.

I show the girls to their rooms and tell them to settle in and then come over for some lunch. Johanna comes straight away but Ella has a shower first.

As Johanna sits herself at our kitchen table we loom over. 'Well?' I say. 'Spill.' Says Peeta. She laughs. 'If this is supposed to be an inquisition you're not very scary.' 'Stop teasing and tell us everything.' I demand.

'What do you need to know beyond that the love of Haymitch's life has just returned from beyond the grave.' She asks, her eyes sparkling, knowing the suspense is killing us. 'Jo' says Peeta sternly and she caves. She really does have a soft spot for him. 'Ok, OK. It started when Ella was reaped. She was a month shy of her 18th birthday. That sucked, being so close to safety then getting pulled in at the last minutes. Anyway, from what I understand her mentor was beginning to lose it. The first games as mentor are the worst, the first time you watch your tributes die and know there was really nothing you could have done. The first time is a huge shock, but then it keeps getting worse. I remember how it felt, and because I refused to play Snow's games, my friends and family were slowly being murdered.' She waves this away, knowing we understand. 'Anyway, Ella came along and her mentor was totally useless, I don't know if it was morphling or alcohol or something else but she was on her own. You can't tell now because she's been living like a possum for the past six years, but she used to be stupidly clever. Now she can barely string two words together but I guess she'll learn again if I train her. Anyway, from what I understand she had a remarkably cool attitude towards the games. She seemed to understand how it worked, that it never ended. That victory was just the beginning. She didn't particularly care if she won, she just didn't want to lose herself.' I nod. 'Peeta was like that too. He understood. The night before our first games' I turn to him. 'You remember? You said you didn't want to die as someone you weren't.' Peeta nods slowly. 'I knew I was going to die and it felt very important to me that even if they killed me, that they didn't change me.'

'I just wanted to get home' I say, feeling naive. 'Me too at first' says Johanna. 'But Ella got it. She got it just as Haymitch was staring to lose it. As he was realising that the games never end, that you play in different fucking arenas but you never really have any control. It was messed up and back to front, but Ella was there to comfort him.'

Johanna looks at me at this point to judge my reaction. 'You get what I mean by that, right brainless?' I clearly don't and even Peeta has to try to supress a smile. 'I mean they fucked, hard' she says arching her eyebrows up. I try not to blush but it isn't really something I have control over. 'Good for them' is all I manage to say. Johanna laughs. 'It isn't that unusual for a tribute and mentor to hook up, especially if they're close in age. I mean look at Finnick and Annie. But for a mentor to hook up with someone else's tribute, now that was a first as far as I know. But as I hear it he was looking at her after the parade, and she noticed he noticed how she noticed and how she blushed. So not being one to beat around the bush, so to speak, Ella went over and spoke to him. Totally against protocol but hey, her mentor wasn't there and her fellow tribute was just a kid, only 13 or something. And she said that she'd always had a crush on old Haymitch, from seeing him on the telly. They somehow worked out how they could hook up in secret. Now you have to remember that this was Haymitch in the old days, not the washed up drunk he is now. He was good looking and had this rough charm about him. He'd been on the mentoring circuit for a while, so was totally messed up of course, but he hadn't given up yet. It was Ella that broke him. When she went into the arena, he lost it.'

'But she must have won' interjects Peeta. 'She can't have died in the arena or she wouldn't be here now.'

'No, duh' sighed Johanna. 'She was my mentor, I already told you that. She wasn't much of a killer but she was smart and stayed out of harm's way while the careers butchered everyone else. She's like you Katniss, good with a bow, but couldn't get hold of one so she made her own. It didn't have enough force to more than make a scratch with her piddly home-made arrows. But she found some moss she knew on the tree she was hiding in and impregnated her stone arrows with its juice. The careers barely knew they'd been hit, barely got scratched and didn't even see her, but infection set in and one by one they got weaker. There were three left and two of them killed the third when he got sick and then the other two fought to the death in the fever from the infection. Ella just sat in the tree and watched. She was totally my inspiration; I couldn't have won without her coaching. Plus she told me from the start how it was, what would happen to me if I won. I didn't go into the arena the same person who got reaped. Ella had already taught me so much about the world.'

'So what happened then?' I ask.

'She broke my heart' said Haymitch from behind us. I turn and see him. He is holding a bottle of liquor but hasn't actually opened it yet. He looks thoughtful rather than angry as he was earlier.

'Who knew you had a heart to break' I tease but Haymitch ignores me and sits down next to Johanna. 'How long have you know?' he asks. Johanna doesn't tease. 'Just under a week. I heard a rumour but it didn't seem possible and I was in the Capitol. When I got home I was called in to identify her as all her records had been messed around with and well, it's her. She's a bit weirder but it's definitely her, Haymitch.'

'I could see that' is all he says. I suppose if you love someone you'll always recognise them. 'Where is she?'

'Having a shower' I say, 'She'll be here soon'.

Haymitch nods, then opens the bottle and takes a big gulp. We wait in silence but not for long. I don't hear any steps outside, she is obviously used to moving through the woods like me, but there is a quiet knock before Ella enters. She sees Haymitch and walks straight for him, not saying anything but pleading with her eyes.

'You're dead' he says again, his voice cracking. 'You died and left me.'

'Had to' she replied, reaching out to touch his face. 'Too hard.'

Haymitch looks into her eyes for a moment, looks as if he is going to reach out and touch her too, but instead he takes another gulp of liquor and slams the bottle down on the table. 'Don't touch me' is all he says, not looking at her.

Ella doesn't seem to know what to do with herself. She tries to sit down but looks really uncomfortable. I catch Peeta's eye and he shrugs and gets up to make tea. No one speaks while he's gone, the only sounds is Johanna starts drumming her fingers on the table. She is the first one to speak, obviously not comfortable with silence. 'Well this is a jolly little reunion isn't it. Pass me the bottle, Haymitch.' Haymitch glowers and slides his bottle across the table to her. She takes a big gulp, pulls a face and offers it around. We all shake our heads. Peeta offers to make cookies and as no one says no he continues bustling round the kitchen. I really have the urge to run away and can see Ella's eyes darting towards the door and wonder if she is thinking the same thing. Finally she snaps and gets up. 'Shouldn't have come. Why, Jo? Why bring me here? Too hard for Haymitch, better I stay dead. And don't know who these people are.' She gestures to us. 'Too many people.' And she dashes for the front door.

Johanna sighs and Haymitch grabs his bottle back. 'Shouldn't one of you go after her?' I ask. Johanna shakes her head. 'She'll probably make a dash for the nearest wilderness and to be honest, I can't keep up.' Peeta shakes his head. 'No, she's just gone to Katniss' house.' I frown. 'How do you know?' I ask. He raises his eyebrows at me. 'I've had a lot of practise listening to your front door slamming.' I blush but Johanna laughs. It takes a few moments but eventually Haymitch laughs too. Then he puts his head in his hands a groans. 'Just when I thought things were getting normal around here.'

'Never' I say.

Johanna is serious for a moment. 'But you are happy to see her, right?'

Haymitch doesn't life his head. 'I don't know' he mumbles. 'I still don't understand why she left.'

Johanna shrugs, and I can't read her eyes. If she does know she isn't saying. 'You'll have to talk to her.' Is all she says. He doesn't move, so she sighs dramatically and gets up. 'I expect biscuits when I get back, baker boy' she calls over her shoulder to Peeta as she heads over to recover her friend.

Peeta is rolling dough so I'm left to talk to Haymitch. 'You ok?' is all I manage. He snorts at my lack of nurturing ability but sits up. 'Never better, sweetheart.' He looks as if he is going to say something more but shakes his head. 'I can't talk to you about this.' 'Why not?' I ask. 'Because you're just kids, you're my kids. And I don't want to discuss my sex life with you even if I have to listen to yours ever bloody night because you never shut your bloody window. Plus, and I know this is grossly unfair given all you've been through, but you are just too smug and happy at the moment. I very happy for you blah blah blah, but I just don't need to hear it right now, ok? And finally, because I know what I have to do. I haven't watched you two fall apart and helped stick you back together again for so long without having soaked up a bit of my own advice. I'm going to have to talk to her, ask her why the hell she ran away from me, pretended she was dead for six years, let me grieve for her, mourn her. Why the hell she didn't tell me, or take me with her. I know I'm going to have to deal with this but I can't just yet. I still can't believe she's really here, that she's really alive.' He finishes his speech with a swig from his bottle, but it's just a sip. I can see that his mind is whirring and the drink is more from habit than to numb himself as it usually is. Peeta puts the cookies in the oven and sits down. 'We'll try to remember to shut the window' is all he says and gets a smile from Haymitch as his answer. We sit in companionable silence until Johanna returns, physically dragging Ella behind her.

'Right' she says. 'I'm sick of having to explain every bloody thing over and over to the creature here. We're going to just have to do it. We're going to have to watch the games.'


	20. Chapter 20

I think this is a very bad idea. In fact I refuse to join in.

I am not going to sit down and watch the Hunger Games and commentate through it for the benefit of some random woman who has just turned up to upset Haymitch. I won't watch.

I say this, over and over. Johanna shrugs. 'Ok, fine. I can talk her through it, but she needs to understand. She needs to understand what you did to spark it all, she needs to see the quell and why I'm so mad at her. She needs to understand the rebellion, what happened, how we got hurt, who we lost and what it means now. You can't face it Kitty-Kat, that's fine. You were always an open book, Ella will see straight through you, you don't need to explain.'

I turn to Peeta, pleading with my eyes. He won't make me do this, he will always protect me. 'It's fine, Katniss.' He says gently. 'If you don't want to watch, you don't have to.' I catch his meaning though. 'But you're going to?' I ask.

He nods. 'If it will help Ella, then yes.' I'm irrationally angry that he is choosing this no one, this stranger over me. 'What about you?' I say to Haymitch. He shrugs, but I see it all so clearly in his eyes. I see exactly what is going to happen. He'll be mad for a bit but he clearly loves this new arrival. He'll shout and stomp but then forgive her and take her back. Funny, I always thought he was more like me, but the look in his eyes shows he's more like Peeta, willing to be a total sap for some girl he decided he loved at first sight without even knowing her. Someone who hurt him so much. I am angry, with both of them so I simply turn and leave. I don't have any shoes on so I have no choice but to go to my old house. It is strange to see things there, not my things. Johanna has just dumped her bag on the table and there are two pairs of shoes kicked off by the door. I'm careful not to slam the door behind me.

Without consciously deciding I climb the stairs and gently turn the handle to Prim's room. It is a little dusty, but everything is still as I left it. I sit on her bed and look around. Her absence hurts so much. I don't even realise I'm crying until the door opens, Peeta sits down next to me and wipes my tears away with his thumb. 'You don't have to watch' he says gently. 'Everyone understands.' 'How can you watch?' I ask him. He shrugs. 'I've watched both games over and over' he explains. 'I had to. The hijacking messed up so many memories, especially those with you and the games. It helped to watch back what really happened, to try and work out what was real and what wasn't. There are some bits I can't sit through but most of it is actually ok.'

I can't talk about Prim and Rue but I finally put my finger on one of the things that is bugging me. 'But I come across as such a bitch. Playing you when all you're trying to do is keep me safe.' Peeta smiles. 'Rubbish. You risked your life for mine. And all the other stuff, well none of that matters anymore. We're here now. We're ok. How we got here, what we both did and said, it doesn't matter. Not to me anyway. You're worried you look like a bitch, I know I look like a lovesick idiot. Who cares? Haymitch has seen it all before, so has Johanna. If Ella is going to get a grip on things, she needs to know how it all started.'

'Why?' I ask.

Peeta frowns. 'Why does she need to understand?'

'No, why do you want to help her?'

Peeta smiles. 'Because she needs help. Because we've all needed help at one point or another. Because she's a victor and I know that she'll have some of the same demons as us. But most of all, because Haymitch deserves to be happy and I think she can give him a reason to be.'

'He'll forgive her' I say confidently. 'I saw it in his eyes.'

Peeta squeezed me to him. 'Of course he will. But forgiveness takes time. They'll have to grow back together slowly and if we can help with that, we should.'

'Like Haymitch has helped us' I say.

'Exactly' smiles Peeta. He stands up and holds out his hand to me. 'Ready?'

I sigh and look round the room. I dread seeing Prim at the reaping but with Peeta's hand in mine I think I can cope. We walk back across to our house where Haymitch and Johanna are on the sofa and Ella sitting on the floor, her knees pulled into her body.

'You may have tried not to slam the door, but we could still here it' teased Johanna as I sat on Peeta's lap in the armchair.

'Shut up' I snap. 'Are we doing this or not?'

We do. I tense completely at the opening music and can't relax at all through the reapings. All the names, all the faces. Rue is the hardest for me but I feel Peeta tense under me at the little girl from 6. She must be the one he held as she was dying. When it gets to 12 he pulls me back against him and holds me tight. Effie totters into view and pulled out a name 'Primrose Everdeen' she calls out in her crystal cut voice. Prim's terrified face flashes up and I hold my breath. Ella's voice interrupts. 'Sister?' she asks. 'Yes' is all I can say before the me on screen interrupts, calling out that I volunteer as tribute. I look so young, so innocent. When Effie calls 'Peeta Mellark' I see Peeta's stunned face. He looks ashen. I squeeze his hand and on screen we shake hands. 'The odds are never in your favour' Ella mutters darkly. I can feel Peeta shaking underneath me but his voice sounds steady as he tells Ella that just after the footage stops, Haymitch fell off the stage, too drunk to stand. She laughs and swats Haymitch on the knee, edging a little closer to him. Haymitch glowers at Peeta and ignores Ella. Johanna just watches us all, a little smile playing around the corners of her mouth.

The next footage is of the parade. Johanna points the tributes from 7 out and I remember that she would have mentored them, the girl at least. Ella comments about the stupid tree costumes and I scowl at Johanna, remembering her stripping in the lift in front of Peeta and me. When we come out, on fire, Ella just says 'Wow.' We do look striking, though I still can't get over how young we both are. I felt a hundred years old at the time but it doesn't show.

As our scores come up I tell Ella how I shot an arrow at the Gamemakers and she smiles. I can see why Haymitch fell for her. Her smile is intense. She shakes her head through my interview and Haymitch swots her on the back. 'Stop it. I tried with her, she's just useless at interviews' he says and I realise that they would both have mentored together for years, that Johanna only gave us the start of their story. Ella nods. 'Good dress through.'

'Cinna was amazing' I say softly. Ella spins round to face me. 'Was? Dead?' I nod sadly, trying not to cry. If I cry now then I'll never make it through this. I meet Ella's eyes and in a flash understand that she is feeling exactly the same as I am. She bites her lip. 'You knew him?' I ask. She just nods and turns back to the screen. Haymitch stretches out to console her but pulls his hand back at the last moment, before she feels him. So predictable, I think.

Ella is glued to Peeta's interview. 'Good, good' she mumbles to herself. When he gets to the part about having a crush on me she claps her hands together. 'True.' She says then turns to Peeta. 'Nice' she compliments him. The shot changes to me and I blush furiously on screen. 'Didn't know' states Ella again and I'm glad she is happy to provide her own commentary so I don't have to. 'Embarrassed. Angry?' Peeta laughs. 'She was hopping mad. She pushed me into an urn and nearly severed my hand.' Ella smiles. 'No fighting with the other tributes' she mock chastises me.

I don't have time to defend myself before the arena appears and the twenty four tributes rise up in their tubes. 'Woods, good' is Ella's only comment. The camera shows Peeta shake his head at me, the look of determination on Cato's face, me staring wildly around. I realise that the footage of the bloodbath has been slowed down slightly, making it all the more horrific. Each death is shown close up and from several angles. I see Clove trying to kill me with her knife but then I am out of shot. Peeta is long gone by this time. There are various bits of commentary but Ella and Johanna talk over it, discussing the district 7 tributes. Johanna gets angry. 'You should have been there El, You should have always been there. I couldn't do it without you. It's your fault I couldn't save any of those dumb kids.'

Haymitch intervenes. 'Jo, no. It's never any of our faults. We tried, every year we tried. It was a fucked up system, that was all.'

Ella knelt up and put her hands on Jo's knees. 'Doesn't matter anyway. So what if you can't save them? They die in the arena or they suffer after. You save a little girl from 7 then what? The boy from 12 has to die? Why is that better? Who cares? '

For a moment I think Johanna is going to slap her but instead she bursts into tears and pulls her mentor into a close hug. 'I care. You saved me. I care.'

Ella strokes her back gently. 'I'm just never sure if saving you helped, or if it just led you to getting hurt more.' She says, speaking in a full sentence for the first time since she arrived. Johanna shrugs, pulling out of the hug. 'Well I'm still here, still surviving.'

'Surviving not living' says Ella sadly. This time Johanna does slap her, but not hard and only on the arm. 'Shut-up. Surviving is good. We're all still here aren't we? You're not dead, Haymitch still has at least some of his liver and I get to watch these two fuck-ups' she gestures at us 'finally get their shit together. Ok, so there are still so many people I miss, but fuck it, we're still here and Snow's dead. Who knows what going to happen but we're still here.'

Ella smiles again. 'Ok'

Johanna frowns. 'Ok what?'

'Ok, let's watch how these two fuck-ups get their shit together.'

'You have to watch them both fall apart first' says Haymitch darkly. He holds Ella's eyes for a moment then looks down to take a drink, deliberately breaking their contact. Ella watches him for a moment, then turns back to the screen, this time leaning against the sofa between Johanna and Haymitch.

And like that we watch. We watch the careers frolick and giggle as they hunt in a pack. We watch Peeta approach them and give his big speech about he he can help them find me. We watch him go back and hold the hand of the little girl Cato stabs when the others move on and realise the cannon hasn't gone off. We watch him kill her when she begs him to end the pain. We watch him look at the careers with such hatred, then look up at the cameras with the same. We watch me dodging firebombs. We watch them chase me up the tree. We watch Peeta watching me all night long. We watch Rue and me looking at the tracker jacker nest.

I feel Peeta tense beneath me. 'I can't watch this bit' he says pushing me off his lap and getting up. 'I'm sorry, it's the buzzing.' I raise my eyebrows in a silent question but he shakes his head. He goes upstairs calling over his shoulder. 'Come get me when you find me by the river. I like to watch you blush when I'm naked.'

I exhale slowly, worried that he'll have an episode but he seems in control. I guess if he's watched this before he knows what he can take and what he can't. When he's gone Ella starts asking me more questions. I explain that I really thought he was trying to kill me with the careers, which makes her smile sadly and shake her head. I talk through what I was seeing under the influence of the tracker jackers, how I wasn't sure what Peeta was saying or doing even though on the screen it's completely clear. When it gets to Rue though, I have to get up and walk out too. I can't watch her die again, especially not with others around. I go looking for Peeta and find him in his studio. He is sketching in his rough book, his first test place for ideas. I look over his shoulder and see Haymitch appearing on the page. I don't recognise his expression. 'It's how he looked at Ella when he thought no one was watching' Peeta explains and I can see how. 'You ok?' I ask, stroking his neck. 'Yeah' he says. 'I just can't cope with tracker jackers. Or wasps or bees or hornets. Even flies can set me off on a bad day.' 'Well today is a good day' I say. 'I couldn't watch Rue'. He pulls me to him and kisses me gently. 'fair enough' he says and kisses me again. We continue softly kissing until we hear Johanna's voice from downstairs. 'Get your hands out of each other's pants and get down here. It's about to get awkward.' I smile sadly. 'Great, we're getting to the part where I'm a total bitch' 'And I'm a blind fool' adds Peeta, smiling. We go down hand in hand and sit back as we were. I'm on screen walking along the river, calling Peeta's name. Ella laughs hard at Peeta's comment about frosting being the last resort of the dying and compliments him on his camoflage skills. I nearly throw up all over again when they zoom in on the wound to his leg. Everyone, Peeta included, has a good laugh at me when I turn my back as he takes his underwear off. I notice that he isn't that bothered about hiding himself from the cameras and I get a tantalising glimpse of my husband's sixteen year old cock.

Ella obviously notices too. 'Bet you bagged some sponsors there' she says to Haymitch. He tries not to smile but nods his assent. 'How much did you have?' She asked and I realise that Peeta and I never had the proper victor experience. Never having to mentor is perhaps the one bit of luck we had.

'Two hundred at that point, but Peeta getting naked got us another 50. Mostly from middle aged women.' 'I can see why' Johanna laughs. 'If only you hadn't been such a prude then you could have just got it on there and saved yourself a lot of trouble later' she says to me.

There is quite a lot of footage of us, which Ella painfully analyses out loud. Annoyingly, she's right on the mark with everything and picks out when I'm faking, when I'm genuinely trying to be caring and how oblivious Peeta is to my deception. When the parachute lands after I first kiss Peeta, Ella strokes Haymitch's leg as she laughs. 'Nice. How much did that cost?' 'A hundred and fifty' he said. Then smiled at us. 'Got another 300 hundred within the hour though.'

Ella comments that I had got his message and I feel Peeta sigh behind me. 'God, I was such a fool. It's so obvious now.' 'One kiss equals one pot of broth' I say quietly and he takes my hand. There's some footage of all the other tributes then back to us for the feast announcement, then me drugging Peeta which Ella seems to approve of, even if Peeta still doesn't. At the cornucopia Ella recognises herself in Foxface and I watch as Clove and I fight. Thresh is as memorable as ever and then I'm back with Peeta.

Footage flits between us and Cato and Thresh for a while. It goes on like this for a while until the kiss, the one kiss that really mattered. At that kiss Ella sits up straight. 'Wow' she says. 'Real.'

Peeta squirms at her use of the word we use for its own purpose. 'Was it?' he asks me. 'Yes' I say honestly. 'That was the first kiss I wanted to last forever.' Johanna mimes sticking her fingers down her throat.

Ella doesn't comment again until Foxface is following us. I realise that she had been watching us for a while. She certainly watches me hunt for a bit before following Peeta as he collects berries. As she reaches for them Ella eggs her on. 'But that's nightlock' I cry out. Ella turns to me, puzzled. 'Yes. I know.' She points to the screen. 'She knows.' I shake my head as we watch Foxface die on screen. 'No, I killed her' Peeta says sadly. But Ella won't back down and even rewinds the playback a little. 'Look' she says. 'Eyes. She knows. She understands.' And I think I see what she means. There is a little flicker as she reaches for the berries. 'Better' says Ella as we watch her die again. 'Quick, painless. Better.'

Peeta has to leave again when the mutts are chasing us. I watch until the bitter end though. I watch as his leg bleeds, knowing now that he'll lose it. I watch as Cato attacks us. I see Peeta draw the cross on his hand and watch myself fire an arrow into the centre of it. I watch as I try to stem the bleeding on Peeta's leg and as I eventually shoot Cato, right through the eye. The worst part is when the announcement is made that there can only be one winner and Peeta throws away his knife and I point an arrow at his chest. How could I still be doubting him then? What kind of a cold hearted bitch was I?

There is silence in the room as we count and put the berries in our mouth. When the next announcement introduces us as victors Ella turns to me and stares intently at me. 'I understand' she says.

The music plays and Peeta obviously hears it and comes back, but this is obviously some kind of extended version as we still have to sit through the interviews and highlights from the victory tour. Ella continues her own, annoyingly astute version of real or not real through the interview, pointing out to us that I'm a bitch and Peeta is totally naïve. I can feel myself starting to get angry with her but Peeta pulls me to him and when I am clearly genuinely upset about his leg she at least gives me credit for this. As it goes into victory tour footage Haymitch pauses the recording and explains about President Snow's ultimatum to me, he explains about Gale and about how Peeta and I were so cold around each other after the games and about what was happening with the resistance. I felt myself blushing when he mentioned Gale but at least I didn't have to explain it. As we restarted the footage Peeta took over the explanations, talking through our friendship pact on the train, how we comforted each other at night, and what happened in district 11 and how he found out about the revolution. Haymitch took over as we went through the districts, explaining what was happening behind the scenes in each and who the key players were, things even I didn't know.

At the end in the Capitol, I relived Peeta's proposal and that's when I started to cry.

Ella looked confused. 'But not real?' she asked, sounding puzzled. I nod. 'No, not real. But it should have been.' I say. 'S'ok Kitty-Kat, he proposed again for real' says Johanna soothingly. Peeta laughs at this. 'Actually, no I didn't' Johanna frowns. 'But you got married, dumbass. Don't expect to me believe that the commitment-phobic Katniss proposed to you.'

Peeta and I look at each other and shrug. 'No' he answers. 'We just kind of did it. I didn't ask.'

That makes Johanna guffaw with laughter and Ella smiles. Haymitch stands up. 'Well, now you know, El.' he says shortly and leaves. Her smile fades immediately. Johanna pats her on the back. 'Just give him time.'

'Six years.' She replies, smiling sadly. 'Fair to give him six years.'

Johanna punches her on the arm. 'Stop talking in short, choppy sentences you crazy bitch.'

Ella smiles again, her dazzling smile. 'Why don't you go fuck yourself, Johanna!' she enunciates clearly. We all laugh and I think that once Haymitch can forgive her, she'll be a good influence on him.


	21. Chapter 21

We have some dinner, Ella asking us more questions about the games and what happened to us afterwards. After eating, as Haymitch doesn't reappear, Peeta heads over to take him some food. He doesn't come back straight away so I guess either Haymitch needs cleaning up or they're just talking.

Johanna takes advantage of Peeta's absence to check up on him. 'So how is loverboy really doing these days?' she asks, her voice filled with genuine concern. 'Good' I say, realising that it's actually true. 'He doesn't have flashbacks nearly as often as he used to, though I gather from Gale that he was pretty bad in the Capitol.'

'Yeah, Gale asked me lots of really annoying questions about what happened to us when we were tortured after that. I mostly told him to mind his own business. Hey, what's the deal with Gale and Peata, are they friends now or what? Because if they are that's messed up.'

Ella holds her hand up to clarify. 'Gale, your ex' she points and me. 'And yours?' she points at Johanna. 'Kind of' we both say in sync.

'Gale and I were never really a couple' I explain. 'We were everything to each other for a long time but it was never physical. Though if things had worked out differently, who knows. But the war made him so destructive and for a while I felt I didn't even know him anymore. We're getting to be friends again but I'll never trust him like I used to.' I find it actually feels freeing to say these things aloud.

'Gale and I fucked a couple of times' explains Johanna taking her turn. 'But it was only ever physical. When we actually started to get to know each other it felt weird and we stopped. He's so angry and ambitious and I like that but we're too alike to actually work together.'

This makes perfect sense to me. 'He's ok though, Gale I mean?'

Johanna shrugs. 'I think he still misses you but I meant what I said about ambitious. He is so driven. Expect to bow down to President Hawthorne one day. But that's why I wanted to know about him and Peeta. They seemed fine together at you birthday wedding thing, but I don't get it.'

I shrug. 'I guess Peeta isn't jealous anymore, though Gale used to set off his episodes and Gale realises that Peeta is who I need. They both respect each other and …' Johanna interrupts me. 'Dull, dull, dull. If there's nothing interesting going on there tell me about your current sex life. Word on the street is that you two are at it like rabbits.'

'Word on the street?' I ask, blushing. 'Word on this street. Haymitch and several people on your birthday all confirm hearing screams in the night. Peeetaaaaa, Peeetaaaaaa, oh yeah'

I feel myself blushing at her mimicry and get up to make tea. Johanna laughed. 'Too easy. You are so unbelievable easy to wind up.'

'Cold' is all Ella says.

I spin round to face her. 'What did you say?' I ask, my voice icy.

'Your district is cold' she explains carefully. 'That's my theory.'

'Your theory about what' I ask, puzzled. 'Why people in district 12 are more' she paused to search for the word, the strain of talking properly showing on her face. 'Reserved' she suggested as Johanna contributed 'prudish'.

'What do you mean?' I ask, puzzled.

'Back home, much warmer. Hot, wear fewer clothes. Take clothes off more. More flesh, more sex. District 12, cold. More clothes on, harder to get naked, flesh taboo, less sex.'

I have no idea what to say to this so I make the tea while Johanna berates her friends for her lack of full sentences again. Ella doesn't seem to care. 'Did you spend much time round here then?' I ask her, wanting to know more about her time in the woods.

'Only in summer' she says. 'Came here every summer, go when got chilly.'

'You were probably in my woods' I say. 'I spent a lot of time hunting out past the fence.'

Ella nods and mimes shooting and arrow. 'Never saw you. Saw no one this time. Last time suppose you would have been at the games. Saw lots of snares and a dark haired boy. He looked sad.'

I can't help but laugh. 'That's Gale.' Ella laughs too. 'Gale? Small world. You walk and walk but however far you go you can never quite get away.' She leans in and whispers to me. 'Gale good looking, but I think Peeta's hotter. Really good penis.'

I blush again. Seriously, will my face stop burning. Johanna seems to read my thought and tells Ella they used to call me the girl on fire.

We drink our tea and finally stop talking about Gale, Peeta, my sex life, nakedness and the comparative climates of our home districts. Johanna tells me about the Capitol, more of the stuff I'm interested in and less of the boring politics that Peeta and Gale seem so involved in. Life there sounds a lot different to what I remember. I think of the change in Effie and extrapolate that to the whole city.

When the sun starts to set Ella gets up. 'Dark, sleep' she explains.

'Oh my god' says Johanna. 'It's _getting_ dark so you _need to go to_ sleep and you can't say this because you are a retarded woodland creature who can't fucking speak properly. '

Ella bends down and kisses the top of Johanna's head. 'Sleep well' she says, thanks me for dinner and leaves.

Johanna doesn't say anything and I look away when I notice a tear in her eye. 'Did you ever think anything would ever be good again?' she asks me eventually.

'For a long time, no' I say thoughtfully. 'But it is. Though sometimes that makes me feel unbearably guilty.'

She reaches out for my hand. 'Thank you' she says. 'For 13, for making me feel human again.'

'We were friends' I say simply. Johanna shrugs. 'Well, anyway, thanks. I need to thank Peeta too. He looked after me once you'd left. He really is amazing. He was falling apart himself but he still took the time to make sure I was mending.'

'He is amazing.' I say. 'He's the only reason I haven't just curled up and died.' I like that I can say this to Johanna, that I know she understands. She does, but she also doesn't want to dwell on things. 'Enough girl talk, let's go annoy the men.'

We find Peeta and Haymitch sitting out on the back step watching the geese. 'Where's Ella?' asks Haymitch, pulling a face as he hears himself asking, hears the neediness in his own voice. 'Gone to bed like the little squirrel that she is these days.' Johanna explains. 'Good to see her though, hey?' She pokes him in the arm.

'I have strongly mixed feelings' Haymitch answers dryly. 'Did she tell you why she left? Why she went to all the trouble of faking her own death to get away from me?'

Johanna shook her head. 'She said a few things but her stupid way of talking annoyed me too much to get through the whole story. You'll have to ask her but please, give it a few days until she can use a fucking verb properly again.'

Haymitch nods assent. 'But you've forgiven her though?'

Johanna shrugs. 'Forgiven her for faking her death or for being alive? Both I guess. I thought I'd lost everyone and I haven't so sorry if I'm a little bit pleased. She did what she needed to do to survive and she's here now when to be frank, I really need her. Don't think I'm not totally mad at her. You wait til we show her the quell, what she made me go through.'

Haymitch laughs. 'Shut-up, if her name had been reaped you'd have volunteered for her in a heartbeat, quicker than loverboy here did for me.'

Johanna acknowledges the truth of this. 'But she should have been up there with me on that stage. She should have been with you in the mentor's control room, calling the shots. She should have been masterminding the rebellion. You know we needed her.'

'Of course we did. But she wasn't there. She escaped and left us behind. How can I forget that?'

'You can't but wait til you've heard her, poorly articulated side of it will you? Then see if you can take her back.' Johanna grabs Haymitch's bottle from him again and I can see they are settling in for a session. 'Night' I say getting up to leave and Peeta follows me.

He takes my hand as we walk the short distance home.

'So?' I say to him, wanting to know the gossip. Peeta laughs. 'Haymitch has got it bad. You know, I don't think we are the original star-crossed lovers, I think Haymitch and Ella were. He told me how he first noticed her after the parade, how she just came up to him, leading her tiny little tribute boy and asked him how to get to the training centre, or some other inane practical question and how he just melted. He said it was her eyes and her quiet confidence that did it. They hooked up pretty immediately, I suppose they had to given that she was expecting to die within a few days.' He paused to open our front door and I followed him in. 'It sounds like they laid the way for the rebellion by finding all the rooms that weren't bugged, finding corners to sneak off to. They were only doing it to have sex but in their desperation they found lots of hiding places and systems to meet in them, systems all the victors and rebels used later to meet in secret.'

'So what you're saying is we owe our freedom to a horny Haymitch?' Peeta laughs and agrees as we go upstairs.

'When they really fell for each other was when they were mentoring. You should have heard his voice as he talked about her tactics, how clever she was. He was seriously smitten. He also said she was one of the first to get Capitol people involved in the plotting and scheming. It was Ella who first recruited Plutarch Heavensbee when he was a junior gamemaker in the control room.'

'Don't say that' I say. 'I was beginning to like her and he's not exactly my favourite person.'

We brush our teeth and climb into bed together. Peeta continues talking so I roll over to face him. 'I hope she has a good reason' he says sadly. 'Good enough that Haymitch can properly forgive her. You're right, he'll take her back anyway, but he needs to be able to properly let it go if he's going to be happy.'

I shrug. 'I suppose she'll explain when she's ready. Or when someone asks her.' I pause, worried. 'Are we going to have to watch the Quell tomorrow.'

'I expect we will' Peeta answers. 'That isn't so bad though. There are some hard moments, like Mags and Wiress, but mostly it's ok. I get kind of hot watching us on the beach.'

'You realise we'll be watching it with Ella's weird comments and Haymitch and Johanna just there' I say, a little breathless as Peeta's voice when he said that turned something on inside me.

'I realise that' he says, gently grazing my hip with his fingers. 'I'll just have to try to control myself.'

I reach for him but he pushes my hand away and I see something in his eyes, a challenge perhaps. I don't understand but if he doesn't want me to touch him, then ok.

'So what else did Haymitch say?' I ask, trying to distract myself from the feeling of his fingers that are tracing patterns over my stomach.

Peeta's eyes don't leave mine as he continues his story. 'He told me how broken he was when he thought she died, but how he blamed Snow and it just drove him more to plan the rebellion. How he always tried to think what Ella would have done and not just start a fight, even though all he wanted to do was punch someone's face in. He told me how on a good day he would try to hang on to the good memories, but on a dark day all he could wonder was what was the point of living without her. How his drinking got worse as he could no longer numb the pain any other way. It was so sad, what he said, but kind of beautiful too.'

'So this is what you guys talk about? How sad and beautiful things are. Doesn't sound that much different from our girl talk. In fact I think Johanna is butcher than either of you.'

Peeta raises his eyebrows and keeps stroking me, without moving closer or breaking eye contact. 'Ok, you want to hear what else Haymitch told me. He told me the story of the victor's banquet here in 12. He'd watched the love of his life go into the arena, thinking he'd never see her again. Against all the odds she survived but was whisked off for interviews and back to her district. They could speak on the phone but couldn't see each other until the victory tour when Ella arrived at 12. There were cameras everywhere so they had to be so careful not to let any of their feelings show. Their only contact was a congratulatory handshake which felt like electricity sparking between them. It wasn't until the dinner when they were sitting next to each other that they could talk or touch. They were still so careful about what they said, making polite inquires about the tour, the district, pretending they didn't know each other even though they spoke often and about everything.'

Peetas hands are wandering upwards, dancing teasingly towards my breasts. I can feel my breath quickening but don't move. I just let him tease me.

He continues his story. 'They talked and talked until someone, probably Effie, insisted they each talk to other people, so Ella started talking to the Mayor and Haymitch made small talk with one of the tv people. He couldn't bear to be away from her though, so he reached under the table, which had a big tablecloth to hide what he was doing, and started rubbing her knee, circling his fingers against her.' As he says this he demonstrates the motion, but not on my knee, on my sensitive nipple. I jolt with pleasure but refuse to say anything, or break eye contact. He keeps circling and continues. 'He does this for a while but nobody seems to notice. He can feel Ella tense under his touch but her voice doesn't betray her. She keeps talking to the Mayor about the decorations in the square and how nice they are. As he continues he gradually starts to move his hand up her thigh, higher and higher.' As Peeta says this his fingers rub harder and faster and I have to fight to stop my hips moving and following his rhythm. His voice remains steady but I can see his pupils dilate and know he is just as aroused as I am. He keeps talking though I struggle to concentrate, no longer able to make sense of his words, only thinking about his touch. I briefly wonder if it possible to actually climax just through him touching me like this, I feel so close. But I can't, and I can't take it anymore. 'Peeta' I plead. 'Peeta, please.' I can't keep my eyes open anymore and throw my head back. 'Peeta' I demand, but he doesn't stop. I can't take it. I grab his hand and pull it down between my legs. I don't even have time to get inside my underwear. I hold Peeta's hand against me and push into it. He twists his fingers to stretch along me and increases his pressure but doesn't move, he leaves it to me to set the pace and writhe against him. It takes only a few thrusts before I feel the heat of my orgasm burst through me. I cry out and push myself harder into Peeta until the throbbing eases and I can breathe again.

When I open my eyes Peeta's blue ones are staring back at me. He smiles slightly but doesn't say anything, and doesn't move his hand. 'I'm sorry' I say. 'I didn't hear the end of your story.'

'She knocked over glass of wine' he says his voice catching as he leans in and covers my mouth with his own.


	22. Chapter 22

Peeta is up early to head to the bakery but I sleep in. I feel exhausted after the ups and downs of the previous day. When I wake up the sun is high in the sky. I get up and head straight out, wanting sometime in the woods, needing some time alone.

It is a beautiful day and the woods are alive with sounds. There's nothing in any of the traps but I see a rabbit disappearing into a hedge and in a split second grab an arrow, aim and shoot. I get it but jump at a noise from a tree above me. I aim another arrow to the source of the sound but lower it when I see Ella, sitting on a branch.

'Good shot' she says.

I lower my aim and watch as she climbs down the trunk, as easily as walking down stairs. She drops to the ground making barely a sound and I can well believe she has been living out here for years.

'Sorry' she says. 'Came to be alone.'

'Me too' I say and she nods. 'I should go.'

I stop her. 'No, it's ok. Wait.' I go and collect my rabbit and throw it in my hunting bag then keep walking my usual path, Ella alongside me. We don't talk but the silence isn't uncomfortable. We fall into the same rhythms and stop and the same sounds. When we see a turkey cross between the trees ahead of us we both stop. I draw and arrow but before I can aim feel Ella's hand on my arm. I see the question in her eyes and hand her my bow. I watch her rather than the turkey and see the concentration in her eyes as she aims, and the joy as she watches her arrow find its mark. She smiles and hand me back the bow. 'Thanks' she says. 'They took mine.'

'Who did?' I ask as I throw the turkey in my bag, noting the accuracy of her shot.

'The people who found me. Thought Capitol, thought I'd die, but they took my bow and took me back to the district. '

'What happened then?' I ask as we start walking again. 'They locked me in a room and asked me questions. Wouldn't answer. Couldn't at first, hadn't spoken in a long time. But didn't know what happened, didn't know Snow had gone. Refused to talk. Checked my blood, couldn't match. Records deleted. There a week until recognised. Guy who recognised me called mad, but he stuck to it. That's when they called Johanna. Took a couple of days but she came. Cried, shouted, hugged. Swore lots. Tried to explain, but I couldn't understand. Wanted to go, back to the woods. Just wanted to go.' Ella pauses and looks around. 'Better here.'

I nod, understanding. 'It's always better here. When I'm here I can almost forget that any of it ever happened.'

We walk on in a silent understanding. Without meaning to realise I'm heading towards the lake. It's a long walk and it's later in the day than when I usually go there but somehow I can't stop myself. Ella surprises me when she asks 'Lake? Hut?' 'Um, yes' I say. 'You know it?' She nods. 'Slept there.'

I suddenly have an idea. 'Did you meet many people, when you were out here?' I ask, filled with hope. Ella shrugs. 'Some. You?' I nod and find myself telling her everything. I tell her about Lavinia, when I saw her taken by the hovercraft and then again as an Avox in the Capitol. I tell her about Darius and what Peeta went through. By the time I get to explaining about Bonnie and Twill we are already at the Lake. I tell her everything and she looks thoughtful. 'Thirteen that way' she says, pointing south east. 'You've been there?' I ask. 'Sort of. Didn't like it' she replies. I laugh, knowing exactly how she feels.

I paddle in the lake but it is too cold to swim. Ella takes my bow and bags us another turkey.

It is late afternoon when we start heading back and I worry that Peeta will be worried. We make good time though, both of us moving swiftly and not slowing to talk. When we pass the rock Gale and I used to sit on Ella stops me and points. 'That's where I saw the sad boy with dark hair and your eyes'. I nod and try to not to cry. 'Gale' is all I can say.

Peeta does look anxious when I get home, but Johanna and Haymitch are there keeping him company, both of them looking the worse for wear. Peeta hugs me tightly and asks how the woods were. I show him our catch and tell him what a good shot Ella is. 'They took her bow' I explain. 'Do you think we could get it back?' Peeta frowns, thinking. 'I wouldn't know who to ask, but I'm sure it's possible.'

'I could call Gale' I suggest. He nods. 'Worth a try, he'd at least have the number of someone who would know. You know his number?' I shake my head. I've never called him. 'I'll dial for you' Peeta offers and I nod.

Gale answers very professionally and I don't realise it's him at first. 'Hi, it's Katniss' I stutter, unsure of myself. He seems a little rattled too but I skip the small talk and get to my purpose. 'Have you heard about the victor returning from the grave?' I ask. 'Yeah' he says. 'Ella Fletcher. Plutarch says she was picked up just outside six when they were looking for refugees, identified and returned to 7 but has vanished again. He's pissed and pretty keen to find her, I'm not sure why. Maybe he needs her for some kind of promo, though it seemed more personal. I guess he knew her before she ran off.'

'He did.' I say.

I can hear Gale's brain whirring. 'How'd you know that?' he asks, suspiciously. 'Haymitch told Peeta' I say, telling the truth but not playing my trump card just yet. 'Haymitch used to go out with her.'

'How does Haymitch know she's alive? The news hasn't been released yet.'

'Johanna' I say simply.

'Ok, that makes sense. But why are you calling me? You've never called before. I didn't think you even knew my number.'

'I don't' I say. 'Peeta does.' This isn't getting us anywhere. 'Look, Johanna said that Ella is alive and wants her bow back. They took all her stuff off her when she was caught.'

'Not caught, found' Gale says tiredly. 'Whatever' I reply. 'She wants her bow back so how do we make that happen?'

'I'll make some calls' he offers. 'Where's Johanna?'

I look over my shoulder and see her sitting at my kitchen table. 'No idea' I say. 'Call me when you find the bow and I'll try to track her down. She's probably with Ella. '

'I'll see what I can do. Are you ok?' he asks. I feel a little overwhelmed having thought about him in the woods, but I don't want to tell him what Ella said, about him being sad. I don't want him to tell Plutarch where she is, thought he'll probably work it out soon enough.

'I spent the day in the woods. I got a rabbit and two turkeys' is all I offer.

'That sounds good' he says, and I think he sounds sad now.

'It was' I say. 'I should go, I think dinner's nearly ready. Thanks for your help.'

'No worries. Take care, Catnip' he says and hangs up.

I stand there for a moment, wishing I was back in the woods until my stomach rumbles loudly and I realise I'm starving. 'I'm hungry' I tell Peeta. 'I made sausage rolls, they'll be ready in about ten minutes' he says and pats the chair next to him. I sit down and Johanna tells me we're watching the Quell tonight.

'Oh, goodie' I say sarcastically.

I don't seem to have a choice though, and after dinner we arrange ourselves as we had the previous day, me on Peeta's lap on the armchair, Johanna and Haymitch on the sofa, Ella on the floor between them.

I hadn't realised that Ella hadn't even known that the tributes for the Quell were previous victors. She got really upset when it was announced and it took a while for Johanna to calm her down. The reapings are obviously horrible for her to watch, much as they had been for Haymitch at the time.

She cries most of the way through them, but gets especially upset at Finnick, Mags, Wiress and Cecelia. When we see the onscreen Johanna standing alone on the stage looking so angry, real life Johanna looks like she is going to give whatever big speech she has been planning to Ella, but for some reason doesn't. When Chaff's name is called Ella climbs up onto the sofa and flings her arms around Haymitch. 'So sorry' she says. He looks unsure what to do for a moment and I worry that he is going to push her away, but once he has felt her arms he seems powerless to let go, so he pulls her closer. Johanna, Peeta and I exchange knowing glances.

I bizarrely find my own reaping comical rather than tragic. I think it's Effie's formality in what is such a farcical situation, but I actually laugh out loud when my name is called. 'What?' I say as everyone looks at me. 'It's not like it was much of a surprise.'

I watch Haymitch's name be read out and see Peeta volunteer, again no surprises there. It suddenly occurs to me that I have never watched the Quell. I had been forced to watch my first games straight after it, when we were declared victors, but I have no idea what happened to lots of people in the arena this time.

Ella laughs at Johanna's costume in the parade and Johanna tells Ella her own version of the story of her stripping in the lift, how mad and embarrassed I was and how Peeta was loving it. I blush and throw a cushion at her. Peeta and I look really good again, flames flickering all over our bodies.

'They killed Cinna just before I went up the tube into the arena' I explain quietly.

Ella nods sadly. 'I miss him' she says. 'Kill your stylist too?' she asks Peeta. He shakes his head. 'Not until later. Portia and my prep team were kept alive until I warned 13 about the bombings. Then they were killed in front of me.'

I turn and stroke his cheek but he doesn't look up and meet my eyes.

We keep watching. The interviews are surprisingly powerful, Finnick's in particular. When Peeta talks about the toasting and the baby Ella looks at us questioningly. 'Not real' Peeta explains. 'Not then anyway. We have had a toasting now but there never was and won't be a baby, and least not for some time.' 'Not ever' I say but he again ignores me. The scores are a farce and then there we are, in the arena. I see me and Finnick swimming to the Cornucopia and see the confusion written all over my face as he helps me.

Haymitch takes over the commentary, explaining things from his perspective. 'That gold bracelet Finnick is wearing was mine. Effie gave it to me and I gave it to him so Katniss and Peeta would know to trust him. The plan was that Beetee would bring down the grid around the arena and a hovercraft would pick up all surviving friendly victors, so anyone left who wasn't from 1 or 2.'

'Good plan' says Ella. 'Enobaria's a bitch.'

'Plutarch had arranged for certain things to be in the cornucopia, some wire for Beetee, a trident for Finnick, a bow for Katniss, and axe for Johanna. He also rigged the parachute system so we could effectively send whatever we wanted, justifying it by the popularity of the tributes and the generosity of sponsors, though in reality I didn't have a single penny or talk to a single sponsor. We had a code using bread rolls so Beetee and Finnick knew when the hovercraft was coming. The aim was to get as many out as possible but Katniss was the key target. Her trick with the berries and her decorating Rue had gotten a lot of attention. We knew that the rebellion needed a face, that President Coin out in thirteen didn't have the status outside her own district to lead a revolution. She wanted Peeta to be the face of it, to rally the troops with inspirational words about freedom. Plutarch wanted Katniss, convinced her anger was more motivational.'

'What did you think?'asks Ella quietly, now tucked under his arm, her feet up next to her against Johanna's.

Haymitch sighed. 'I'd promised Peeta I'd protect Katniss. I'd promised Katniss I'd protect Peeta. I knew that if I lost either one of them I'd probably kill myself, I just couldn't cope with losing anyone else. So I stayed out of the debate and once Plutarch had won, started planning. It wasn't so hard. If we needed to keep Katniss safe then she would need allies. She's a pain in the butt and a bit of a loner so the only thing I could use to motivate her was Peeta. She wanted to keep him alive, so as long as he was alive and in danger she would keep fighting. So my plan suited me and the purpose. Keep them both alive. They couldn't know the plan or it would be so obvious that something was up. I gave Finnick the bracelet and he and Mags promised to get to Katniss and Peeta as soon as possible. We also needed to keep Beetee alive so he could blow the grid so Johanna was in charge of protecting him and as part of the package, Wiress. Everyone else except Cashmere, Gloss, Enobaria and Brutus knew the plan. Their aim was to kill the careers if they could or otherwise put on a good show so no one in the Capitol suspected anything until it was too late.'

We watch the 'good show' as the bloodbath at the Cornucopia unfolds. The fighting is strategic and brutal, nothing like a normal games. No one just falls, everyone hides, attacks, counter attacks. Ella and Haymitch cling to each other as first Cecelia then Chaff succumb.

Meanwhile we are trekking through the jungle and I realise I don't think I can watch Peeta die again. I lean back against him so I can feel his heart beating as I watch him fly away from the force field. There is Finnick breathing into him and pounding his chest and I look distraught. As I hold him close when he comes to I see Finnick's puzzled look over my shoulder.

Johanna explains to Ella this time. 'You see, we all knew the star-crossed lover thing was bullshit, that Katniss was clearly just pretending. She's a terrible liar and a totally pathetic actress. So Finn and I expected them to stick together as that is what had worked for them the year before, and it's hard not to stick with your district partner once you know them. But we hadn't realised that she actually gave a damn. We expected her to be a totally ruthless bitch and Finn told me later that he only realised in that moment that she actually cared.'

'Of course I cared' I say. 'My entire game plan was to kill off the rest of you then die so Peeta could go home.'

Peeta sighed. 'Problem was that was my game plan too.'

Ella laughs. 'Messed up.'

'You have no idea' sighs Haymitch. It occurs to me that he isn't drinking. Interesting.

Mags dying is hard to watch but it's Wiress's death that really upsets Ella. She moves back to the floor, curls up into a ball and shakes. It takes Haymitch and Johanna a good half an hour to get her back.

I can't help crying when Peeta gives me the locket.

Ella points excitedly. 'The sad boy, the sad boy' she says.

'For god's sake, Ella, his name is Gale, you know this' sighs Johanna.

When Peeta says that no one needs him so earnestly, it hurts to think that he really believed that. Luckily Johanna and Ella laugh at my cheesiness as I say 'I do' so I don't keep sobbing. As Peeta and I kiss on screen I feel him stirring underneath me. It is pretty hot and I blush remembering the heat I had felt at the time.

We watch the rest of the footage in silence until I shoot the arrow at the force field and the screen goes black.

'What next?' asks Ella. Haymitch shakes his head tiredly. 'Tomorrow. There's too much to explain after that and we'll all have a different point of view.' He thinks for a moment and then says seriously. 'It's your turn. I've given you time but you need to explain. Why did you leave?'

Ella doesn't say anything, she seems to be thinking. 'We can go if you like' offers Peeta. Ella shakes her head. 'No point. I tell him, he tells you, you tell her. Might as well tell you all.'

'Come on Elly-bean, just get on with it' sighs Johanna, stretching out and turning to face her on the sofa.

Ella looks around us and realises this is inevitable. She takes a deep breath. I can see her face strained with concentration. This must be the most she has spoken in years.

'Don't know where to start. Reaping I suppose, isn't that when all our lives changed? I had no expectation of winning. My mentor was a clueless morphling. Filip, the other tribute, was so young and so scared I was all I could do to stop him crying in public. I could use a bow and arrow but didn't think I could actually kill a human being. I didn't really care because I was sure that winning wouldn't help. Ok, might have a nice house and money, but if victors needed to turn to morphling to get through the day it couldn't be all that great. My parents had died the year before in a factory fire and I had no siblings, so it wasn't like it really mattered if I died anyway. I had lots of friends who would have been sad, but hey, at least it wasn't them. That was the worst thing about reapings, that feeling of relief when someone else got called up to die. Anyway, I got to the Capitol, got through the parade in that bloody tree costume. I saw all the careers and knew that they would enjoy killing me. My first fighting thought was that I wouldn't let them. If I had to kill myself so they didn't have the pleasure, then I would. Let them win, let them repeat the horror every year. Nothing could hurt me. But then I saw him, the victor from 12. I'd always thought he was good looking on the tv, but in real life he had this power radiating from him. Then he looked up and our eyes met and I felt something, something important. I nearly turned away but suddenly I wanted to fight again. My mentor was asleep in the corner so I went up, dragging Filip with me and asked him how to get back to the rooms and gestured to explain why I was unaccompanied. He said he'd show me if I waited so I waited. He said something to his own tributes and then to Effie and they left.' He led us to the lift. In the lift we stood as close as we could so close I could feel his heat. Filip was there still so nothing happened. We got to our floor and I said thanks, but tried to say with my eyes that I wanted to see him again.'

'You did' said Haymitch quietly. 'Or at least I wanted to see you again anyway.'

Ella smiles at him and for a moment they seem to forget we are even there. Johanna coughs. 'God, this is a long story get to the point will you.'

Ella sighs. 'Ok. The next day Haymitch slipped a note to me in the lift telling me where and when to meet him and I did. We met as much as we could before the games started. I was amazing, urgent but terrifying and when I said goodbye we never thought we'd see each other again. I was lucky in the games.'

'Bullshit' says Haymitch. 'You were clever.'

Ella shakes her head. 'Both. Lucky it was a forrest. Not like home, but familiar enough. I could find food and hide. I understood what the gamesmakers wanted, a good show, so I made sure I was always close enough to the careers that they thought I was either about to die or that I had a plan.'

As she says this I realise my own mistakes in the games. Ella would never have gotten firebombed for drifting too far from the action.

'I started making a bow but stopped when I realised that there was no way I could actually fire it at someone, even those bastards who were killing all the others and enjoying it. So I modified it and thought I would just infect them. I used this moss that induces fever and paranoia and put it on rocks that I used the bow to catapult at them. They were tiny pieces of gravel so they didn't know they were weapons. Careers think if it isn't a giant sword, it doesn't count. Stupid, phallic symbols. Anyway, it was enough. They put on enough of a show and I acted enough to be interesting until they all killed each other. Victor. That's when it started to get bad. I wasn't the proper victor, the one they wanted. Same as Haymitch and Annie, same as you two.' She points at Peeta and I. 'Didn't win how I was supposed to. Couldn't go unpunished. Don't know if they knew about Haymitch already or if it was the standard, but was sold straight away. Highest bidder raped me the night after Snow presented the crown. Snow knew, said the same words the bastard said later. Same every time I went to the Capitol. Same for all of us. You have to or people you care about get hurt. For me that was only Haymitch. Got by though. Coped. Sounds horrible but I actually quite enjoyed mentoring. The tactics, the psychology. Looking at my own tributes and their skills, assessing the other districts. Did ok. Five years, two victors.'

'Best ever' says Haymitch and this time he does reach out to stroke her, wrapping her hair around his finger. 'Not true, you better. Two tributes in one games. Twice. Legend.' I think Haymitch actually blushes but Ella continues.

'But knew it couldn't last. No point saving kids so they get raped, so they gradually get broken down. Had to do something. We'd all started talking, dreaming, planning and I began to think instead of complaining we could actually do something. I started on Johanna's victory tour. Started talking to people, meeting people in the districts. Then gradually in the Capitol. Eyes, when I looked in their eyes I could tell. I could tell if the slaughter of children was really ok with them or if they were just playing the game too. If they were just playing, they could be persuaded to play a different game. I actually began to hope, that was what broke me. I got sloppy. Snow found out about us.' She gestured to her and Haymitch. 'I don't know how but he told me to end it or be sorry. I didn't see how I could be sorry, who could he hurt? But he found a way. He arranged for the first one, the first rapist, to bid on Johanna. I knew how sick he was and couldn't allow that. I mean, there had been many more, but they were just, paying customers. He was different. That was why Snow had picked him to be my first, and that was why he used him against me then. I couldn't let him at Jo so I made a deal. Me again. Me for her. The time and place were agreed. I went back to my room but someone had been there. Things had been moved, not much but moved. I searched to see what had been left or taken. It took me a while but when I realised I knew it was only going to get worse. My pills were gone. All of them. Snow didn't just want me raped and beaten, he wanted me pregnant, pregnant with the rapist's child. That's when I knew I couldn't go on. At first I really did think of killing myself, but I didn't want to give up so easily. I went to find Haymitch, but couldn't. I figured Snow had sent him to his own punishment. But I found Wiress in one of our safe rooms. I told her everything and told I needed to get out. I had three hours to either escape or kill myself. She went and got Jarell, one of the Doctors who worked on tributes. They'd obviously made plans together before because they already had everything worked out. Jarell had access to bodies, dead bodies. He got one that looked like me and altered it to look more like me. Identical. Wiress hacked into records and changed my fingerprints, DNA, retinal scans. Everything to the dead girl. Cinna brought me avox clothes and Septimus, who was on my prep team, dyed my hair and made me up so my skin was different and I looked weird and angular, not like me. And that was it. I just walked out. I walked out of the building, down the street and to the edge of the Capitol. I kept walking until I reached the fence. It took me two days to find a way out, pretending to be an Avox sent to dump rubbish. I got out and started walking. And I kept walking until two weeks ago when a hovercraft picked me up.'

Silence follows her story. I realise my knuckles are white from gripping Peeta's hand so hard. I go to loosen my grip but he is gripping me just as tightly.

'Why didn't you tell me?' Haymitch asks eventually.

Ella doesn't look it at him. 'Tell you what?'

'What Snow was doing. We could have worked it out.'

'No, couldn't' Ella says tiredly. 'He was just going to keep punishing us. Me dead, you left alone.'

'We could have been more careful.' Haymitch sounded desperate. 'We were smart. We could have planned to escape together.'

'No. If we'd both gone, too obvious. And I only had three hours. Three hours to get out.'

'Look Ella, I'm not saying you should have gone through with it but you could have. You were strong.'

'Not strong enough' Ella shouts tears in her eyes. 'Not strong enough. Not strong enough to have a rapist's baby inside me. What would have happened? Could I have loved it? A baby conceived like that? I don't know. Maybe, if it didn't look like him. Could you? Have loved my child knowing who its father was? And even if we could, even if against all odds we could think of it as our child, if we loved it it would only be until it was reaped, and one of us would have to mentor our own child to its death. Not strong enough. I was better off dead. You were better off thinking I was dead.'

Haymitch's eyes cloud over and he pulls her to him burying his head in her hair. Peeta gestures to me to get up and we leave, this isn't a time for us. Johanna follows us as we cross over to my house to give them some space. I make tea in my old kitchen but it's a while before any of us speak. Peeta is first. 'I sometimes wonder if we were lucky, Katniss. If the whole star-crossed lover thing got us out of something much worse.'

'I think it did' I reply. I don't want children but to have to face the choices Ella did, well I can't even imagine how.

Johanna sighs. 'It was pretty bad, but you deal with it. It was just another thing to get through and everyone was in the same position. We had some pretty grim jokes about it. Not that it helped when you were with one of the bastards, but afterwards, well, I was never alone. I think, after Ella, Haymitch was at least left alone.'

'Definitely lucky' I say. 'I never realised.'

Johanna bangs her fist on the table. 'It shows it was worth it though, doesn't it? Everyone I've lost, everyone we've all lost. It was worth it. I have no idea how useless this government will be, but that will all stop now. I can't think of anyone Snow killed to get at me that wouldn't agree that it was worth it to stop this happening again.'

I wonder if this is true. If Prim had heard Ella's story, if she would have been willing to die to prevent it happening to anyone else. 'I think you're right' I say quietly. 'Did you know? What had happened to Ella, I mean.'

Johanna shrugs. 'Bits of it. Not what the final straw had been or how she got out. She and Wiress were always really close. I wonder if Wiress had been hatching the plan with Jarell and Cinna for herself of if it was for Ella all along. Crazy lady.'

I guess we'll never know. We drink our tea and listen to the dramas unfolding across the way. Haymitch and Ella shout at each other on and off with long periods of silence in between. We can't hear what they're saying but we all agree they just need to get it all out and then they can move on, move on together hopefully. Johanna falls asleep on the couch so Peeta and I go up to my old room.

'We really are lucky' he whispers to me as he holds me close. The nightmares are bad that night.


	23. Chapter 23

In the morning Peeta struggles to get up to go to the bakery, having barely slept between his own nightmares and mine. I want to keep sleeping but know it's pointless trying if he isn't there with me.

We go back across to our own house. Haymitch is asleep on our sofa but wakes up looking confused when we enter. 'You ok?' asks Peeta.

Haymitch runs his fingers through his hair. 'No' is his simple answer. 'Sorry Katniss' he says.

I'm confused. Why is he apologising to me. 'She took your bow' he explains.

I look back towards the door. My jacket is hanging up but my bow and sheath of arrows are gone. 'So she's gone?' I ask not sure whether to cry or kick something. Haymitch gives me look. She's gone.

'Is she coming back?'

Haymitch shrugs. 'She said she would, that she just needed some time, but she doesn't exactly have a great track record.'

'You want to talk?' I ask.

Haymitch shakes his head. 'No, I want to think and drink. And then drink and try not to think.' He gets up and heads home.

'She'll be back' I say to him as he goes. 'How do you know?' he asks.

'Because I've always come back' I say.

It's true. Running away and hiding in the woods is my thing, but I'm still here aren't I?

Peeta goes upstairs to get ready and I put the kettle on the hob and cut some of yesterday's bread to make toast. Peeta takes a while, I guess he's having a long shower to wake himself up, so I drink my tea and eat my toast in the kitchen until I'm disturbed by a loud noise outside. I run out and see a hovercraft landing just on the other side of the village. A hovercraft? What the hell is that doing here?

I hesitate for a second, not sure whether to run away from it or to it. I decide to stay where I am. The war is over, I tell myself. This is surely just a social call. Two ladders come down and I recognise first Gale who his holding a bow and a bag, then Plutarch Heavensbee. I notice it is starting to rain as they walk towards me.

'Katniss, my dear. How are you?' Plutarch booms as he gets off the ladder and walks towards me.

'Not particularly pleased that you've literally dropped in on us like this' I say. 'You could have called.'

'Well, Gale said he thought that Ella was here and I couldn't wait to see her and hovercraft is still the quickest way of getting about.'

'She's not here' I say roughly.

'I thought you might say that' says Plutarch 'But I really to want to see her.' I see something in his eyes that shows the truth of this. This isn't just one of his political manoeuvers, he wants to see and old friend he thought he'd lost. I relent a little. 'Sorry, I'm telling the truth. She was here until last night but she's gone off into the woods again. I think she just needs some time to process everything.' I turn to Gale. 'Is that her bow?' He nods. 'Hand it over ' I say. He doesn't at first. 'She took mine, so give me hers' I say and he doesn't hesitate the second time, recognising the tone of my voice. 'I've got the rest of the things she was picked up with too' he says, gesturing to the bag. 'Give them to Haymitch' I suggest, turning to go back into my house. I hear their footsteps following me in and gesture for them to sit down. 'Peeta, we've got company' I call up the stairs, but don't get a response. That's odd. I put the kettle back on the hob and listen to Plutarch as he tells me about the memorial service in the capitol for all tributes and those lost in the war. I had no idea it had happened but was glad I hadn't been involved. 'Such a shame you couldn't have been there. It really was exquisite.' He says. 'But your doctor and Peeta were adamant that you weren't well enough to attend. What was it? Flu? Food poisoning?' I feel like it's a test and have no idea what lies Peeta has told to protect me so I dodge the question. 'None of your business' I say angrily and Plutarch drops the subject. I call for Peeta again but there is still no answer so I go upstairs to find him.

It's bad. He is on the bedroom floor, curled in a ball, his hands in fists and his eyes vacant. He has clearly just got out of the shower and is wearing nothing but a towel. 'Peeta' I cry and run to him, reaching out to stroke his head. 'No Katniss' he says through clenched teeth. 'No, you have to go. Go.' I refuse at first but he gets louder, shouting at me to leave and I realise I'm making him worse. I get up and turn to see Gale in the doorway. He takes it all in. 'What can I do?' he asks. 'Stay with him, don't let him hurt himself. I'm going to get Haymitch' I say urgently.

I run down the stairs and out of the door, calling Haymitch's name as I burst into his house. I don't see him at first because he too is on the floor. I go to shake him but realise that he in unconscious in a pool of vomit. There is an empty bottle lying next to him. I only saw him, sober an hour or so ago. If he's drunk all that since then this is bad. I gag at the smell as I lean over him to check his vital signs. He is still breathing but his pulse is erratic. I can't wake him though. This is bad.

I run back to my own house where Plutarch is pacing around. I can hear Peeta shouting upstairs. 'It's Haymitch' I say. 'He's bad, help.' Plutarch follows me back over to Haymitch's house and helps me roll him over onto his side. I start cleaning up his mess as Plutarch talks to him, trying to get a response. The rain is beating down harder, I can hear it on the roof.

'I can't wake him' says Plutarch nervously. 'I think he needs his stomach pumped. I'll get him to a hospital.' He gestures at me to help him as we lift Haymitch between us. He's a dead weight so it's slow going. Luckily Plutarch is actually quite strong so we manage to drag him to the hovercraft. Even being manhandled like this he doesn't stir and I start to get really worried about him. Plutarch holds him on the ladder and then disappears up. I take a few steps back and stand there in the rain watching the craft lift and move off. I get thoroughly soaked but am unable to move until I hear thunder and a scream. Johanna.

I don't know where she is but I follow her voice to my old house. She is there on the sofa, just screaming, her eyes wild. She pushes me away as I try to comfort her though I'm not even sure she sees me. I try again but hear footsteps outside and panic. I run upstairs, into Prims room and lock myself in her closet. I curl up on the floor in the dark and it's only then I realise I'm still clutching Ella's bow, holding it to me like a baby.

I can't even cry. I just stay like that, clutching the bow until I black out.

I don't know how long I'm there for. I hear thunder and the hovercraft returning and leaving again a couple more times. I drift in and out of consciousness. Sometimes I hear screams, sometimes silence. I wonder if I scream.

I don't really have a sense of time there in the dark, but it must be more than a day before I hear someone rattling the closet door. It's locked so whoever it is gives up and goes away. I am drifting off back into the welcome darkness when they return and turn a key from the outside. My eyes aren't used to the light so it takes me a few moments to adjust and see Gale staring down at me.

'Get up, Catnip' he says and pulls me to my feet roughly. I don't have the strength to fight him but cling to Ella's bow which is still in my hand. 'I thought you must have gone to the woods as you had the bow' he says. 'But Peeta suggested I check all the wardrobes.' 'Is he ok?' I ask.

Gale nods. 'He's tired but he's stopped fitting. It was that bloody hovercraft that kept setting him off. Plutarch's left now and is under strict instructions to get the train if he ever wants to come back to 12. Shouldn't use those things anyway, they waste far too much fuel. '

'Haymitch? Johanna?' I ask.

Gale sighs. 'Plutarch took Haymitch to a Capitol hospital to get his stomach pumped but he's back now. He looks like shit but he's ok. Plutarch also brought back Dr Aurelius who helped me and Rory with Peeta and Jo. I imagine he'll want to speak to you too now you've been found. '

I can't face that yet. 'Peeta' I say and Gale nods. He takes me up to our room. Peeta is sitting up in bed and Johanna is perched on the end, her legs pulled into her.

I run to Peeta and climb under the covers with him, pulling him close. He kisses my head and I look up into his eyes. They look so tired. 'You OK?' I ask. 'I am now' he says. 'It was just that bloody hovercraft. And then the thunder.'

'Yeah, that was a joy' adds Johanna.

'I'll go help Rory with lunch' says Gale awkwardly and I realise I'd forgotten he was there.

'Have either of you seen Haymitch' I ask. Peeta shakes his head as Johanna nods. 'Yeah, he looks awful. I think you found him just in time.'

I feel myself shaking and realise I am finally crying. Peeta holds me close as I sob.

'Hey, it's ok. The meltdown is over. We're all ok.' he whispers into my hair. I pull him tighter to me and cry some more.


	24. Chapter 24

Johanna leaves to give Peeta and I some time alone. We make the most of it. 'You look tired' I tell him afterwards. 'I am' he sighs. 'I've barely slept in three days. You?'

'I'm ok' I say. 'I think I slept a bit.'

'Where were you?' he asks. I smile. 'You know. You told Gale where to look for me.'

'In the cupboard in Prim's room?'

'Got it in one. I was cuddled up to Ella's bow.'

Peeta frowns 'Ella's bow? How did you get that?'

'Gale brought it. That's why he and Plutarch came to visit. To see Ella and drop off her stuff.' I remember something Plutarch said. 'What did you say to get me out of the memorial in the Capitol? Plutarch said something about you telling him I was too ill.'

Peeta looks a little worried. 'Is that ok? I didn't think you'd want to go and Dr Aurelius said we could say you weren't up to it. Given that he had you declared mentally incompetent he can pretty much get you out of anything you don't want to do.'

This is news to me. 'What? Who said I'm mentally incompetent?'

Peeta shrugs apologetically. 'Well, it was the main defence in your trial.'

'How do you know this?' I ask annoyed, that Peeta knows more about me than I do.

'I ask questions and listen to the answers' he says, gently mocking me.

That isn't good enough. 'What does it mean?' I've never heard this term before but I vaguely remember Haymitch saying my release had conditions when I first moved back here.

Peeta shrugs 'I'm not sure exactly. If it makes you feel better legally since the hijacking I'm mentally incompetent too.'

That doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. This is ridiculous. 'Look, ask Dr Aurelius, he'll be able to explain and he said he'd be over for lunch so he's probably downstairs already' Peeta suggests calmly.

I am anything but calm. I'm out of bed and down the stairs in a flash. Rory is cleaning the kitchen surfaces, I guess he's been baking. Gale is stirring a pot on the stove, Johanna is picking at some strawberries in a bowl in the middle of the table and Dr Aurelius is sitting drinking a cup of tea.

'Katniss' he says kindly. 'How are you feeling?'

'Pretty pissed off actually. Plutarch asked why I wasn't at the memorial and Peeta tells me reason is that you said I'm mentally incompetent. What the hell? What does that even mean?'

'It means you think it's ok to spend 36 hours in the bottom of a wardrobe clutching a bow' mutters Gale. I shoot daggers at him with my eyes.

Dr Aurelius stays calm, used to me being erratic. 'It was part of your trial, declaring that you could not be held responsible for all your actions given the mental stresses you had been subjected to. The Doctor's in district 13 did the same for Peeta after he was hijacked. All it means in real terms is that you can't sign any legal documents. For example you couldn't get married, buy a house or permanently move districts, though actually one of the conditions of your release is that you can't leave the district anyway.'

'Plus I'm already married and have my own house.' I say sharply.

'True, you own your house but technically you're not married, not by law.'

This is ridiculous. 'Well, we're married by tradition, that's what counts.' I spit back.

'I'm glad you feel that way' responds the Doctor, calmly.

'What would we need to do, to get married?' asks Peeta. I wonder for a moment if he still doesn't trust that I won't leave him, if he needs it to be official. I won't, I know I could never live without him, but maybe I haven't shown him that enough. I'll have to do better.

'You'd need your legal guardian to sign the certificate on your behalf' explains the Doctor.

'Well who is that?' I ask.

'Peeta, yours is Haymitch. For you Katniss, your mother, though Haymitch has proxy powers in her absence.'

I shake my head in disbelief. 'Seriously? Haymitch is responsible for Peeta. You know that it's the other way round, right?' Johanna laughs out loud. 'This is priceless' she says.

'What if I didn't want Haymitch to be Peeta's guardian anymore?' I ask, refusing to back down.

'Well, you would have a lot of paperwork to fill in.' says the Doctor, not backing down either.

'Seriously' Peeta says.

The Doctor responds properly to him. 'You would need either need to wait until the age of 21 then get medically reassessed, or request to appoint another guardian. I'd wait and get reassessed, you're making excellent progress. I can't think that in a years' time there will be any issues.'

'Can't we be each other's guardians? ' I ask. This makes sense to me. We're married after all, whatever 'legal' bits of paper have or haven't been signed.

'No. Neither of you are over 21 or, and this is the real issue, legally mentally competent. You can't have someone who is mentally incapacitated looking after someone else who is mentally incapacitated.'

'Exactly' I say, raising my voice. 'That's why it makes no sense to have Haymitch as a guardian.'

Typically it is at this point that Haymitch decides to make an appearance. He looks better. He has dark bags under his eyes but has a peace about him. Having his stomach pumped must agree with him. Either that or the Capitol have just pumped him full of drugs.

'What's the problem, sweetheart?' he drawls.

'The problem is I've just found out that I'm mentally incompetent, as is Peeta, that we're not really married and that somehow you are supposed to be the responsible adult around here.'

He laughs for ages at that. 'Yeah, messed up, isn't it.' I scowl at him. 'Can we get him declared mentally incompetent? I ask Dr Aurelius.

Dr Aurelius sighs. 'Yes, I'm sure I could find grounds for that, but I'm not sure it will help you. You'll still need a guardian until you're 21. Do you have someone else in mind?'

I look around the room. Rory is 15, Johanna is old enough but also totally nuts which only leaves Gale. He's old enough but no way is becoming either my or Peeta's legal guardian. 'Haymitch is fine' I say coldly, much to the amusement of everyone else.

Once I calm down, lunch is actually surprisingly good. My rant somehow makes it ok for us to laugh at ourselves, which given how we all felt 24 hours ago seems odd, but it helps. Johanna, just to be difficult, points out that actually Haymitch is the least nuts of us all. She was scared of the rain, Peeta of a Hovercraft, I was cuddling a weapon in a cupboard for days but at least he had a real problem. His dead girlfriend had walked out on him again. We all laugh, but I catch Haymitch's eye. 'Never again' I mouth at him. He nods and I know he understands. We need him. Not because he's some kind of legal guardian, because he's him. 'I'm ok now' he mouths back and winks.

Peeta asks the Doctor how long he is staying. I hope the answer isn't until we are better as that could be a while. He says 'Until the next train out of here' and I sigh with relief. He ignores me and jokes that it's not like he can get a hovercraft. For a moment I think he is mocking Peeta and am about to get angry but everyone else laughs 'Not unless you want to go to jail' says Rory grinning from ear to ear. 'I don't understand' I say.

Dr Aurelius explains. 'Apparently a new law has just been signed by the national defence minister, banning all hovercraft travel in district 12 except for emergency services.' I look at Gale, 'But I thought you were the defence minister.' Then I get the joke and laugh. 'Wow, you made a new law? Just like that.'

'Well, Plutarch was annoying me' he says, though I know he did it for Peeta. 'It passed the government pretty quickly so maybe I'll extend it to other districts as well. Only old Capitol people like using hovercrafts anyway. Most of us prefer the train.' He is dishing out vegetables to go with the pie Rory made, an act incongruous to his apparent political power.

After lunch Dr Aurelius stands up. 'Well, seeing as you're stuck with me for another couple of days, which one of you wants counselling first? If I treat each of you I can claim this as work time and not holiday, and no offence, but it doesn't really feel like a holiday.'

'After working with all those old Capitol ladies whose only problems were boredom and sexual frustration from their husband's tiny dicks, I'd have thought it must be nice to deal with some real wackos for a change' says Johanna and stands up, volunteering herself to go first.

'I just want to sleep' says Peeta and I agree so we go back upstairs to bed. We skip foreplay and strip quickly, needing each other desperately but being too tired for much else. He pushes me to the bed and I stop him only to reach for a pill from the nightstand which I swallow dry. I missed one when I was in the cupboard and don't want to take any risks. We fuck hard and fast and I come with Peeta's hand over my mouth, warning me to be quiet as there are still people downstairs. We collapse together and sleep with a peace we've never slept with before.

We sleep for more than sixteen hours and I wake up, starving. I go downstairs in search of food, leaving Peeta still dozing. There is a plate of rolls on the table, bless Rory. I grab four and go back to bed, eating mine under the covers not caring about breadcrumbs in the sheets. They need a wash anyway. Peeta must have a special sixth sense for bread as he is wide awake the second I bite into my roll. I hand him his two and we munch on them.

He tells me he wants to talk to Dr Aurelius today as he is worried he didn't know hovercraft would trigger him like that and the reason his episode was so bad was because he was caught unawares. He wants to try and work out a list of triggers so he can be better prepared in future. I tell him I have no intention of speaking to the Doctor and that I want to go to the woods. He asks me for some wild onions if I can find them.

The ground is a bit boggy after all the rain and it isn't a great day to be out, but I feel refreshed as I walk. I take one route into the woods, keeping Peeta's onion request in mind. When I've got enough I go looking for game. I have Ella's bow and it takes me a while to get the feel of it. I hit a squirrel the first time but the kill isn't as clean as I'd like but by the third one I've got the knack. It's on the way back that I pass the rock Gale and I used to sit on. Something's different, it has a small plies of stones on it. As I move them away I realise they are holding down some leaves which are protecting a piece of paper. It is a letter.

Dear Katniss,

I am very sorry that I took you bow but I hope that, if you are reading this, you are in the woods because you have mine. Careful with it, it is my lifeline. I promise I will treat yours with the respect it deserves.

Please tell Haymitch that I haven't gone for long. I love him and I will be back, I just need some time away to think. So much has happened since I last spoke to anyone and so many people have died. I know for you some of their deaths were a long time ago, but they are fresh and raw to me. I never expected everyone to survive, and that anyone has is a gift to me, but I need to walk the woods some more and grieve the only way I know how for those who are really gone.

I am walking with a purpose, but no promises. Your story of the women from 8 who were seeking 13 got me thinking and I will try to follow their trail. I may not find anything but I think it will give you some peace to know their fate and maybe in doing that, I can find some peace of my own. I will be back before it gets cold.

Love, Ella.

I read it a couple of times through, thinking how different Ella sounds in writing when she has time to compose her thoughts into proper sentences. I carefully fold and tear the paper off before the last paragraph, wanting to keep Ella's destination a secret. Plutarch may not be allowed to fly over 12 but he could come out here to the woods and I want her to have as much time as she needs.

When I get home everyone is in our kitchen again. Rory and Peeta are baking together, huge amounts of dough so I guess Rory will take it to the bakery. Peeta still isn't up to going in with him but I'm glad he is well enough to bake in our own kitchen. Gale, Haymitch, Johanna and Dr Aurelius are playing cards around the table.

'I've got a letter for you' I say to Haymitch and give him the first two-thirds of Ella's note. Gale and Johanna nosily read it over his shoulder. 'I found it on our rock' I say to Gale. 'Ella saw you there once when she was wandering a couple of years ago. She said you looked sad.'

'I didn't have much to smile about then' he says grimly. When he's finished the note he frowns. 'She doesn't say where she's going'. 'No' I reply. 'Probably towards 11. It's autumn and she doesn't like the cold. She'll head somewhere warmer.'

Haymitch gives me a strange look and holds the note out to me. 'You keep it' I say, knowing he has precious few things to treasure and a note saying he's is loved can't hurt. I give Peeta the onions and he adds them to a pile of herbs and vegetables about to be baked.

Gale and Dr Aurelius excuse themselves early as they both have to get the train the next morning. When they're gone Haymitch fixes me with an intense stare. 'Hand it over' he says. 'Come on, give me the rest of the note.' I pass it to him with a smile. 'How did you know?' I ask. Johanna laughs. 'Ella always signs her notes. She's a real stickler for formality, not that you could tell these days.'

Haymitch reads it in silence and pockets it with the other part. 'Interesting, who you trust with what' he whispers in my ear before leaving.

My instincts were proved right a couple of days later when Haymitch tells me of a phone conversation he had with Chaff's brother. Apparently a hovercraft had been seen circling over the woods in 11, the ones closest to 12. He was worrying they were closing the borders between districts but Haymitch knew it was Plutarch, and he knew who had told him where to look.

I don't notice it consciously at first, but I start thinking of the rock in the woods as Ella's rock because of her letter. Funny how things change.


	25. Chapter 25

That week becomes known to us as the Great Meltdown. After it I am good, I think my meltdown was just because everyone else lost it and I couldn't cope. Peeta takes a week or so to get his strength back but he doesn't have any more flashbacks and his nightmares aren't too bad either.

Johanna and Haymitch are still in limbo though, clearly just hanging around waiting for Ella to return. Left to his own devices Haymitch would probably just keep drinking, but we all watch him like a hawk and I think he appreciates how close he came. Johanna lays into him, guilting him into not drinking himself to death as what would it do to Ella to come back and find him cold and dead? We all agree his body would never decompose though, not given the amount of preservative in his system. Is it wrong that we find this funny? When I try talking to him he waves me away. 'Sweetheart, touching as your concern is, I'm fine.' When I raise my eyebrows in disbelief he waves his hand in the direction of Ella's bag. 'You were right, she'll come back' is all he says, but I believe him. I don't ask what she had been holding on to that makes him so sure and he doesn't offer to show me, but he seems calmer so I feel better about him. I realise I never told Peeta I still have the pearl he gave me on the beach. I still don't tell him.

The other thing Johanna does, and I don't know if this is to distract Haymitch or herself, is starting to fix all the broken furniture in his house and yard. He doesn't really help exactly but he watches her and shouts things at her as she works. She gets some wood from the building work in town and has other supplies sent on the train. She saws and sands and varnishes. She also helps Peeta out by chopping some of the wood for the bakery ovens. One day Thom comes over to see Peeta and talk about how many more refugees the district can take. He sees Johanna swinging her axe in the middle of our street and asks if he can have a go. He splits five logs in quick succession then stands back proudly. 'That feels better' he says and looks calmer as he goes to talk to Peeta. After that Peeta says he brings his own axe to the bakery and chops wood there a couple of times a week when he's not in the Capitol. You can take the miner out of the mines... I keep a mental list of everyone's different coping mechanisms. Mine and Peeta's are still the weirdest; sitting in cupboards and frosting cakes.

One thing Peeta does after his meltdown is take someone else on at the bakery. Peeta feels bad that Rory not only looked after him during his flashbacks him but also had to run the bakery, and he's still just a kid. So Peeta ropes in a woman called Andrea who had come from district 13. He got chatting to her when she came in to buy bread one day. Apparently she had worked in the kitchen in 13 for a while but had been kicked out and given cleaning duties as she'd consistently used too much salt in the stew despite several warnings. Peeta had always thought the food there needed more salt so he offered her work straight away. She is a kind, motherly woman who has somehow managed to stay comfortingly plump even on the meagre rations in 13. She and her husband Zac never had children of their own, Peeta thought she couldn't like many of the women from her district though this was just speculation, but she enjoys mothering Peeta and Rory and anyone else who comes into the shop. I am a bit sharp with her at first as she fusses around me but however rude I am she doesn't seem to get offended, she just gradually learns when to leave me alone and never to tell me I am too thin. It only takes a week or so before she silently puts a cheese bun on the counter for me when I pop in looking for Peeta and doesn't make eye contact or ask me how I am unless I initiate the interaction.

Ella is gone for about a month. I'm hunting when she returns so I only have Peeta's description of what happened when she turned up. I realise she's back when I see the stones on her letter rock have been piled up again. I sprint back, running all the way back to the village. Apparently Haymitch and Johanna had been spending the day fixing a broken table and were shouting at each other, something to do with the legs not being even. I think Haymitch said Johanna had replaced the broken leg with one that was too short which Johanna vehemently denied, saying it was Haymitch's floor that was wonky. Peeta said he'd been sitting listening to them bicker next door for nearly an hour when it suddenly when quiet. He'd been half way through making a cake but dropped what he was doing and ran straight over. Before he got in the door the shouting started again, he heard Johanna screaming. His eyes darkened when he told me this and I remember what Johanna once said to me, that she knew Peeta by his screams. I imagine it was reciprocal. Anyway, he dashed in expecting to see her curled up in a ball, rocking and seeing nothing. Instead she was shrieking at Ella, smacking her arms, her face, her back, anywhere that Ella wasn't protecting. Peeta said he was stunned and just stood watching. It took him a couple of minutes even to realise Haymitch was doing the same, but with a massive grin on his face. 'Don't stop them' he mouthed to Peeta when he noticed him watching. 'This is hot'. So they just stood and watched until Johanna had got out all her anger and collapsed to the floor sobbing and hugging Ella. 'Don't you ever leave me again you crazy bitch' she cried as Ella stroked her hair. 'Can't promised won't leave. Promise will always come back' was Ella's response.

I arrived not long after, out of breath and sweaty despite the chill in the air. I went straight to Haymitch's and found the four of them sitting cross legged on the floor in a circle. Ella jumps up and walks over to me holding out my bow. 'Sorry' she says. I hold hers out to her. 'Trade?' I suggest. We swap back, each of us involuntarily sighing a little at the familiarity of our own weapons then I suddenly realise we are hugging. Ella's hair smells of earth and autumn. 'It's good to have you back' I say, meaning it, not sure when she became important to me.

Ella sits back down and I sit down between Peeta and Haymitch. 'Why are you sitting like school kids?' I ask, feeling I've walked into the middle of something. 'We're filling Ella the possum in on the rebellion' says Johanna. I have a sinking feeling that I shouldn't have run back from the woods. I wouldn't have minded missing this. 'How far have you got?' I ask without enthusiasm.

'I'm drying out in 13, you're probably mentally unstable in a cupboard somewhere and these two are being tortured' Haymitch answers bluntly.

I don't think I can listen to this. I get up to go but Peeta pulls me back down. 'I know you don't want to hear this but I need you to. I need you here.'

Johanna reaches out to him from his other side. 'It's ok, Peety, you don't have to say anything. I need to tell El what happened to me but I can leave you out.'

Peeta pulls a face. 'How? I was there. I don't think I could explain what happened to me without talking about you, or Annie. Or even Enobaria really.'

'God, I'd forgotten about that bitch' say Johanna looking up to the ceiling. 'I swear when we were being electrocuted she didn't scream, she growled.'

'Or howled. She sounded like a wolf. Mostly I wanted to shake her and tell her to shut up.' I see Peeta and Johanna reach for each other's hands and lock fingers, neither of them seeming to realise what they're doing.

'Me too' said Johanna. 'She was so overly dramatic, like she though the cameras were still on her. Freak.' She pauses thoughtfully. 'I feel bad but I sometimes thought that about Annie too' she adds quietly.

Peeta shakes his head. 'No, I never did. I mean her screams were high pitched that's for sure, they were the only ones I could still hear once the hijacking had started, everything else got drowned out somehow. But you were just as shrill.'

'Fuck off, was not' spat Johanna.

Peeta actually laughed. 'No, you were. Same pitch, but different.'

'Don't believe him. He's tone deaf' I interject. Peeta remembers I'm there and turns to address his explanation to me. 'No, they were the same high pitched, girly screams, but Jo's were more angry. Annie's just hurt. I could tell the difference partly because of the order. When we were being questioned and electrocuted they always went in order. Me, Johanna, Annie, Enobaria then me again, no breaks. I don't know if it was just their routine or designed to make it worse as I always knew when it would be my turn.'

'You're lucky' says Johanna, picking at her fingernails now Peeta has removed his hand from hers and is holding mine. 'At least you could wish they kept playing with Enobaria for longer. I couldn't wish that about you.'

Peeta frowned. 'Of course you could, you didn't even know me then.'

Johanna actually laughs at that. 'You dick, I didn't have to know you to know how stupidly fucking nice you are.' She pauses to throw a bit of fingernail at him. 'Fuck wit' she adds for good measure.

'Like you give a shit about nice' Peeta replies throwing her broken nail back at her.

Ella bangs her hands on the floor. 'This is weird. Save self-help for another time. Just tell me what happened.' This makes Haymitch laugh. 'You used to be so caring' he says, amused rather than offended. Ella looks upset though. 'I am. I will be. I just don't understand. Electrocuted why? What is hijacking?' She reaches out her hands to both Peeta and Johanna. 'I promise, I care. Will listen and talk and do whatever you need. Just tell me what happened to you!'

I feel horrible about this and Johanna looks mad, but Peeta seems amused and Haymitch is almost wetting himself. Thank god Dr Aurelius isn't here, I think. We're all mentally incompetent and shouldn't be allowed to do anything serious ever.

I shake my head and squeeze Peeta's hand. 'Are you ok?' I ask, genuinely concerned. He smiles back. 'Actually yes. Sorry if this is weird for you but it's the first time I've been able to talk about what happened without a doctor taking notes or analysing me, and the first time I've talked about it with someone who actually went through it too.' He reaches out for Johanna again without breaking eye contact with me. 'It's strangely freeing.'

'Self-help blah blah blah' interjects Ella, rolling her eyes. 'What is hijacking?'

It's me who loses it with her. 'Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up. It's the worst thing that can possibly happen. It's worse than death. This is all just a story to you but you have no idea. Just shut up. Shut up shut up shut up.'

I repeat myself until I feel arms close in around me, not Peeta's though, Haymitch's. 'Shhh, sweetheart' he whispers in my ear. 'Shhh. Let the boy talk.' He keeps whispering soothing words until I stop crying out. I eventually acquiesce and shake silently in Haymitch's embrace as Peeta talks.

'The first thing I remember after blacking out in the arena after Brutus attacked is waking up in a cold, dark room, though I think my hovercraft-phobia comes from before that, from being picked up and taken to the capitol. The room was the worst though. It felt bad from the start, when I woke up to three peacekeepers kicking me. I was on the floor and the worst thing was not the pain, it was that they had their helmets on. I couldn't see their faces. I couldn't see the looks in their eyes as they kicked the shit out of me. I didn't know if they were enjoying it, if it was just a job to them or what. I don't know which I'd have preferred, but not seeing their faces made it worse somehow. Even so, at least I could focus on the pain. When they left and Johanna started screaming it was worse, I felt so helpless. At least when they were hitting me I could try to protect myself, or try to block it out. When they kicked her there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even see them I could only hear when they made contact by her voice. I didn't know who it was at first but then I think you swore, Jo, and I recognised your voice. When they stopped with you and moved on to Annie it was worse again. You sounded hurt, and angry, but her screams were pure pain. Enobaria was better, she howled like a dog and I don't really like dogs, I'm more of a cat person. But then it went round again. There was no break, I don't know if the same people went from cell to cell or if they had a team for each of us, some kind of bizarre beating roster.'

'Did you have a guy with one leg shorter than the other?' interjects Johanna. Peeta frowns, 'I don't think so.' Johanna smiles. 'You'd know if you had. He'd kick me with one foot and his toes would go under my back or belly, depending which way up I was. Then he'd kick with his other foot and it would graze over the top. It was weird. Usually better than being properly kicked, unless he caught me in the boob with his short leg.'

Peeta smiles grimly. 'No, I didn't have him. That answers one question. There were teams of guys who took it in turns to kick the shit out of us. It went round like that six times.'

'Seven' corrected Johanna. 'You missed one because they dragged you out somewhere. That's how I know it was better to come after Enobaria.'

'Of course, the interview' Peeta says, snapping his fingers. 'I almost forgot about that. I got dragged out, prepped by my prep team who didn't say a thing to me or meet my eyes the whole time, then given a card with a speech to memorise. No one told me anything but the card smelt like roses and on the back it had one word. Katniss. I knew that if I messed up she was dead, and Prim and Gale and her mother and anyone she cared about. So I memorised the speech, word for word. It didn't all make sense at the time but once I was in front of the audience with Caesar Flickerman and the cameras it slotted in with the questions he asked exactly. I smiled like I always did. Like I'd done on the victory tour, when I'd given all those speeches, when I'd had to propose to Katniss. I just smiled and recited the words, not even really processing what they meant. When I got taken back to the cell it was Annie's turn and I had left just after mine so I suppose I did miss a cycle. After the silent beatings they switched to interrogation. I almost wanted them to kick me the first time they wheeled in the machine, not knowing what it was. What do they say, better the devil you know? Anyway, they brought in a table, took all my clothes off and tied me to it. They stuck six pads to me, four on my chest and two, well let's just say lower down shall we, I don't want to make Katniss blush. This time they asked me questions. It started ok. What is your name? How old are you? What district are you from? Who is your mentor? If you answered quickly they moved on. If you paused to think for even a spilt second you got shocked. It was like a burn that went through your insides and then made every muscle spasm. Even when they stopped the spasms didn't. The hard thing was the speed of the questions, it made it so hard to lie. I'm pretty good at faking it but there was no time, no time to think of the right words.'

'It's alright, you didn't know anything' said Johanna coldly. 'They only went round us twice before they realised that I was the only one that knew anything. They asked me why I dug the tracker out of Katniss' arm and I paused too long. Zap! and then they knew. That's when they brought in the showers and the wires. They kept up the rapid question thing but the shocks were much worse and they tied me upright to a post so I couldn't rest. Once it was only me there were no breaks, it just went on.'

'I remember them starting on you' says Peeta. 'I know because your screams changed. But I wasn't there for long before they took me for a second interview. I blacked out on the way to the prep rooms, I guess I hadn't eaten for days. When I came to I was head down over a peacekeepers shoulder. They were talking about their next job after I was dead. One of them said he wanted to be on guard outside the President's mansion, he thought he'd get more luck with the girls if they could see him on duty and he wasn't hidden away down in the dungeons. The second one said something about it not being so bad down there but it was the third who said he was just gutted he was stuck here when his brother was part of the squad that was going to bomb district thirteen. It was the first I'd heard of district thirteen but it hit me that it must be where everyone was hiding. Otherwise we'd all have been down there, or dead already. I pretended not to wake up until someone started using this electric thing on my beard, trying to turn me back into the boy they wanted for the show. It wasn't someone from my prep team this time, it was an older woman I'd never seen before. The protocol was the same though, I was given a card to learn and I did. I got through as much of it as I could until I couldn't pretend anymore and tried to explain what was going to happen.'

'You did' I tell him gently. 'You saved us all. Your warning gave us enough time to get down to the emergency bunker before the bombs hit.'

Peeta smiles. 'Good. I'm glad something good came of it. After that they started the hijacking.'

He turns to Ella and explains looking directly into her eyes. I understand that he can't look at me and think about this but it still hurts. 'They took me back to my cell and tied me back down. Then they injected me with tracker jacker venom. At first it was just the injections. They hurt enough and made the world spin. Then they kept injecting me but started saying things. I don't remember their early words because they didn't make sense to me but eventually I had the mantra "she's trying to kill you" going round my head. It wasn't even linked to anyone at that point, it was just words. Then, when I started saying it too, they started showing me videos. Some were of the games, some of the tour, some were security footage from district 12. All were Katniss. I know now some were real and some were doctored, but the venom meant I couldn't tell. Some days I still can't. They kept injecting me and showing me films and then bringing people in and killing them in front of me. They killed Darius, Lavinia and my prep team and some blonde girl who I still can't identify but she was so young. Portia was the worst, sorry I don't want to talk about that. Darius was killed by the peacekeepers but the others, I don't know if it was in my mind or if they dressed someone up, but I was sure at the time that Katniss killed them, and that I was next. If I didn't kill her she was going to kill me. Like in the games. '

Peeta breaks down at this point. 'I'm sorry' he says, looking down but pulling my hand to his chest. 'I'm sorry.' I kneel in front of him. 'Not real' I say. 'Not, real, Peeta.' I repeat this until he looks up and meets my eyes. I see the tell-tale sign of dilated pupils but he isn't gripping my hand much tighter than before. 'Not real' I say again and lean in to kiss him. 'Stay with me.'

'Always' he replies and I see his shoulders relax. His eyes don't quite return to normal but I can tell he can control this one. I don't move though and after an uncomfortable silence, Haymitch takes over, talking to Ella who is now behind me.

'While these kids were having their souls ripped out in the Capitol, we were in district thirteen planning the revolution. You never met Coin but she had very definite ideas about things and, as the leader of thirteen we had to fall into line a certain amount. Plutarch had his own ideas though and played it well, you would have been proud. Our main objective at first was to organise the districts. A single uprising was nothing, we needed everyone fighting to defeat the Capitol. That's where we needed communication and propaganda. Beetee was hacking into Capitol news distribution channels, but we needed something to broadcast. We needed to inspire and anger and that's why Katniss was so important. She's worse than useless at scripted things, but actually get her fired up and she's a demon. She was great for a while but once we saw Peeta's third interview, which must have been just after they started the hijacking, she went to pieces. It was simple, get Peeta back or lose her and lose the war. So Coin agreed and we sent in a team. Looking back it was obvious, it was all too easy. We should never have been able to even get to the President's mansion, let alone down to the basement and get three prisoners. Enobaria wasn't there so I can only guess she signed a deal with someone. Peeta, Jo and Annie were nicely gift wrapped for us though and all I could think was thank fuck. Thank fuck Peeta was ok. He was one of mine and I couldn't lose him, not after everything. So I didn't see it. I mean they were all battered. Annie fared best as she already had a place in her mind to go to, somewhere she couldn't be reached and hurt. Jo was a mess. They had to shave her head as her hair was sticking up from all the electricity and they needed to treat the burns on her scalp. Peeta was the worst though. The level of venom is his blood was toxic, he probably should have been dead but I guess they'd carefully monitored his dose to keep him mad but alive.' Even Haymitch can't go on.

'What?' asks Ella gently. 'What happened?'

'I tried to kill Katniss' Peeta says flatly. 'I nearly succeeded too.'

'But you didn't' I say. 'I'm still here. I'll always be here. Always.'

He won't meet my eyes and I am at breaking point, about to give up and run away when Ella calls it. 'Enough' she says. 'Sorry, too much. Too much for you. Too much pain to understand. Sorry.'

She gets up and walks round behind Peeta. 'Get up' she says, quietly but firmly. 'Get up, go home.'

She isn't strong but Peeta allows himself to be lifted. I tuck myself under one of his arms and she takes the other. We walk back to our house like that. Peeta doesn't say anything until we get inside. 'I didn't finish the cake' he says sadly. I don't know what to make of this. 'Do you want to finish it now or got to bed?' I ask. 'Bed' he says. Ella meets my eyes, shrugs and lets him go. He supports his own weight ok so I do the same, taking his hand instead. 'I should go' Ella says. 'Thank you Peeta.' She leans in and hugs him tightly and I see him respond and hug her back. I take him upstairs to bed and stroke his hair until he falls asleep. His nightmares are bad that night but there are no flashbacks, which is a nice surprise. I don't dare sleep in case he needs me and I don't realise. When he wakes in the early hours we talk for the first time. 'Are you ok?' he asks me.

I am wracked with worry about him, stinging from his description of his suffering, but I don't say any of this. Instead I say something I hadn't even known I thought. 'How dare you tell Ella everything when you'd never told me' I say, hot angry tears running down my face. I can't see through them so I don't know what Peeta's reaction is, but after a pause he pulls me to him. 'I could only tell her because she didn't care' he whispers and his breathing slows again until he is sleeping. We stay like this though I still refuse to sleep until morning.


	26. Chapter 26

When Peeta gets up I finally drift off to sleep, but don't get more than a couple of hours before a nightmare wakes me. I pad downstairs but no one is there so I go across to Haymitch's. They are all sitting on the floor where they'd been the previous day but there is a big piece of paper spread out in the middle. It looks like a map but is covered with arrows and squiggles.

Peeta looks up and smiles as I walk in. 'Just in time, we've just finished explaining the rebellion, the raid on the Capitol and your presidential assassination.'

'Good' I say, glad I didn't have to sit through it. 'What's for breakfast?'

'Rory dropped some bread off yesterday. Toast and honey?'

'Sounds great' says Johanna, getting up and pushing past me. Peeta shrugs and we follow her back to our house. 'Got to give the old lovebirds a chance to get reacquainted' she explains. 'Plus I'm starving.'

The old lovebirds definitely get reacquainted. Loudly. We sit trying to have a quiet breakfast but are interrupted by moans and cries. Johanna flinches at the crashes. 'Not my table' she cries. 'I put blood sweat and tears into fixing that. Literally. And now Haymitch's sweaty arse is all over it.'

'Go into town' I suggest, so we do.

Peeta stops by the bakery to check in on Andrea and Rory while I pop over to Greasy Sae's and Johanna goes to see if Thom is in his office. Sae makes me tea and we have a chat. 'It's going to be a cold winter' she warns me. 'Better hunt while you can and salt some meat for when there's nothing.'

'I can feel it' I reply. 'There's already more of a chill in the air than usual.'

She's not wrong. The cold wind persists and gradually there are fewer and fewer animals not hibernating. Ella and I pull some long days in the woods, sometimes together, sometimes splitting up to cover more ground. Ella goes to the woods at funny times, night or day, but comes up with a system to tell me where she is. She uses her little pile of stones to make pictures of a hill, or a particular tree. If she wants to hunt alone she leaves them in a pyramid. Most days I find her, we think alike and tend to follow the same paths. On the days I don't find her, the stones are made into little faces when I go to head home, sometimes sad, sometimes with a tongue poking out. This always makes me smile. Even on the days we do hunt together sometimes we don't speak at all, though sometimes she asks me lots of intensely personal questions, which I always seem to find myself answering honestly before I think about it. Maybe Peeta was right, it's easier to talk to her about some things than it is to him or Haymitch. It's not that she doesn't care, it's that it won't hurt her. If I was honest with Peeta about how close I came to giving up after Prim died he would get upset and worry and try to comfort me. Ella just shrugs and says 'understandable' and goes on to point out that a tendency towards depression obviously runs in my family as I'd already talked to her about my relationship with my mother. I somehow know that if I went through something like that again that she would stick with me, but I don't need to look after her when I need to look after myself, if that makes sense. I cry when I tell her how I felt when Peeta was captured and afterwards with the hijacking, how I thought I'd lost him forever. She just lets me cry and explain in my own time and doesn't offer any words of comfort, which I appreciate.

Ella and Haymitch seem to make up pretty quickly. I guess they both had time to think things through when Ella went walkabout. From the moment she returns they are all over each other. Haymitch drinks less too. He still can't leave the bottle alone in the evenings, I guess he needs to take the edge off to get through the night, but it becomes very rare to smell alcohol on his breath during the day. Peeta stops going over to check on him every day as he says "Ella seems to have everything under control." He says this with a smile though and I get the impression there was more to that story.

I realise what when I walk in on them once, which is a horrifying experience. They are having sex on the sofa, the pale skin of Haymitch's arse moving up and down, Ella's legs wrapped around his waist. I cover my mouth to stop myself from screaming and try to back out quietly before they notice I'm there. I don't think they hear me. What sticks in my mind though is Haymitch's arm and hand. He has amazingly strong arms, probably built up over the years from lifting glass litre bottles of spirits I think to myself ungraciously. As he is thrusting into Ella his arms are tense, supporting his weight, but his fingers are on her face. She is looking the other way but he is stroking her cheek so tenderly I nearly cry. It is the juxtaposition of the strength and the gentleness that gets me. I go straight home and find Peeta reading, his feet stretched out on the sofa. 'Are you ok?' he asks. 'You look like you've seen a ghost.'

'Worse' I say. 'Haymitch's arse.' Peeta's eyebrows shoot up. 'I don't want to know' he says. I lift his feet and settle on the sofa underneath them. He keeps reading and I just watch him, idly rubbing his foot until he pulls away. 'Ticklish' he says. 'Sorry' I say, doing it again. He jolts and kicks me. I raise my eyebrow expecting an apology but I don't get one. Instead he sits up and tickles me, right in the soft spot above my hip where he knows I am sensitive. I giggle, a noise entirely unlike me, then cover it up with a scowl. This makes Peeta laugh and do it again. I can't stop the giggle again, it's involuntary, but the scowl I can turn up and do. Peeta reaches for me again but I push him away. He's strong though and even with my full strength and two hands on his chest he barely moves. He smiles slightly and raises his eyebrows, challenging me to do it again. I smile and rise to the challenge. Turning to face him and bracing myself with my knees on either side of his feet I push him again. He is ready for me though and as my hands make contact with him he grabs them with one hand, lifts them above my head and tickles me again with the other. 'This is not a battle you can win, girl on fire' he whispers playfully in my ear. I refuse to go down without a fight though and nip his ear as he leans into me. 'I think you may have bitten off more than you can chew' I whisper back, then laugh because that makes no sense given that I'm the one biting him. Peeta suddenly flips me, not releasing my hands which bash into the arm of the sofa above my head. Again, I expect to hear him softly apologising like he usually would but he doesn't and I like it. I'm pinned beneath him and struggling, just enough to get my heart racing but not enough to make him think for a second that this isn't exactly where I want to be.

Peeta smiles, his eyes sparkling and his mouth slightly open. My arms are pinned with his right hand and he is sitting on my thighs, so the only motion I can make is to arch my back. He understands though and pushes his hot mouth down, over mine. His tongue is driving against mine and I try to reach up to pull his head closer but can't as he is still restraining me. I grunt in frustration which makes Peeta kiss me harder. I can already feel myself getting wet, the need spreading through me. Peeta is hovering above me so I can't feel him as I usually do but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be kissing me like this if he wasn't pretty turned on too. I moan into him and he pulls away. We look into each other's eyes and know what we want, what we need. 'I'm calling a temporary truce' he says, his voice husky. 'What are the terms?' I reply, trying to catch my breath. 'I am going to release you just long enough for you to remove all of your clothes. I will do the same and then I'm going to pin you back down right here and do whatever I want to you. Do you accept my conditions?'

Hell yes. 'I accept the terms of the treaty. Now let me go' I say straining against his hold for good measure. He lets me go and I pull my top and jumper over my head together throwing them into a tangled mess on the floor. Peeta does the same and is unzipping his trousers as I unhook my bra. He must get naked first because the second I throw my knickers across the room he grabs my arms and pins me beneath him again. This time I can tell how badly he wants me by his erection but he stays on all fours, hovering above me, touching me only at my wrists and my ankles where he hooks his feet over mine, one warm and one cold, restraining my legs. We stay like that, panting for a moment before he kisses me roughly again. He breaks away first, eliciting a little moan from me but then his lips are on my neck, along my collarbone, down to my breasts. He takes one nipple in his mouth and sucks hard. He has both hands restraining me now as I buck with excitement but his body is still above mine so our only contact is hands, feet and his mouth on my nipple. It is amazing. I moan with pleasure and my hips push up towards him. At first he ignores me and keeps sucking but soon his own need must get too much as my feet are freed and he nudges my legs apart with his knees. As his mouth releases me I ache for him to kiss the other nipple but my hips are beyond my control, arching up to meet him. I'm complete as he pushes inside me, over rhythm fast and heated. As he lets go of my hands to better support himself I clasp them to his back. He stops inside me suddenly. 'No' he says. 'Keep them there.'

'I don't think I can' I breathe back, knowing how much I want to pull him close. 'Do it' he replies, so still and my need for him forces me to concentrate and lift my arms back up above me. Twice more they drop and he stops, ignoring my motion and begging until my arms are back above me. When I come it is so hard I have no choice but to grab him but this time he doesn't complain but keeps thrusting into me until he reaches his own climax. Once we've caught our breath Peeta pulls up the blanket we brought down to snuggle under on the sofa now it's got colder. It's knitted so is itchy on bare skin but now the passion has passed it is cold but I don't want to put clothes on again just yet.

'Sorry, was that ok?' Peeta whispers and I smile. There are the manners I was expecting earlier. 'It was amazing' I whisper back. 'It was supposed to be punishment for tickling my feet' he laughs and I pull him closer to me.

I'm actually drifting off to sleep when the door opens and Johanna strides in. 'Hey Mellarks, have either of you got a…. whoa, what the hell?' She pauses in the middle of the room. 'I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?'

'Not at all' I say coldly, pulling the blanket up higher. I expect Peeta to do the same but he swings his legs of the sofa and goes to get up. 'What are you doing?' I hiss. 'Recovering my clothes and then perhaps some dignity' he replies but he doesn't sound particularly embarrassed. 'But, but' I explain eloquently, trying to hold him back. 'Look, Katniss, one of us has to get dressed, preferably before Johanna decides it would be funny to steal our clothes. That means one of us has to get up. That blanket isn't that big so will only cover one person which means either you parade around naked or I do. I was assuming you'd prefer that was me, am I wrong?' He's not wrong. I pull the blanket entirely over myself revealing him to the world. Johanna wolf whistles. Peeta calmly puts on his underwear and not a minute too soon as Haymitch walks in too. 'Seriously, what?' I shout. Haymitch looks around taking in the situation and laughs. 'What kind of a peep show is this?' 'I'm just admiring the view' says Johanna and Peeta actually wiggles his bum at her as he pulls on his trousers. I can't take this. I stand up slowly and carefully making sure the blanket is as wrapped around me as much as possible and any exposed areas are facing away from our uninvited house guests, or perhaps intruders would be a better word. I back over to the stairs and up them, sighing with relief as I turn the corner out of sight. I hear gales of laughter downstairs but my embarrassment has reached its maximum and plateaued. I dress quickly and hurry back down, knowing the mocking will get worse the longer I leave it.

When I get back down Peeta is fully clothed and sitting in the middle of the sofa. Haymitch is slumped in an armchair and Johanna is sitting on its arm. 'I'm not sitting down' she tells me with great delight. 'Peety's only sitting where he is to hide a wet patch.' I was wrong, I can be more embarrassed. 'Serves you right for walking on in me and Ella earlier' laughs Haymitch. 'Hey, that was an accident. Lock your door if you don't want walk ins.' I say, crossly. Johanna laughs. 'Take you own advice, mockingjay. Anyway, I thought I'd given you long enough to get your clothes back on. I should have known you two could turn a quickie on the sofa into a cuddly snuggly wuggly..' Peeta cuts her off by throwing a cushion at her. 'Shut it Jo, and next time at least knock' he says.

'You should have a system, put a tie on the door knob.' She suggests.

'Don't own a tie' says Haymitch.

'Not going to want to stop to tie one' adds Peeta. 'Except round her wrists' Johanna shoots back. I panic for a moment that she had been there the whole time but then realise she was just making a joke. That may have been a first for me but I guess it isn't that unusual. When we finally bribe them to leave with food I want to ask Peeta but don't know how. I want to ask if what we'd done was normal, and why he'd wanted to do it, but I just watch him as he reads propped up in bed, trying to work out how to start. He doesn't look up from his book but can obviously feel me watching. 'Stop frowning at me, it's really unnerving' he says, his smile letting me know he isn't serious. 'Sorry' I mumble but don't stop. When he gets to the end of a chapter he closes the book and places it on the nightstand. 'Right, Katniss, what's up?'

'Nothing' I answer. 'Then why the scowl?' he retorts.

'I'm not scowling, I'm thinking.'

'OK, I'll add "thoughtful" to list of emotions you scowl to express.' I swot him away and scowl more.

He doesn't say anything but rolls onto his side to face me and just waits. I always lose this game, he has infinite patience. 'I was thinking about earlier' I say.

'When Jo walked in on us?' he asks. 'No, before that'

'When we were having a nap on the sofa?' 'No before that.'

'When before that?' I see the twinkle in his eye as he asks and know he knows perfectly well what I want to talk about. 'You know when' I say, scowling some more for good measure. 'I think so' he replies. 'I just find it funny that after nearly nine months of us having sex you still can't talk about it.'

'I can talk about' I say defensively. 'Ok, go on then' he challenges.

I pause to find the words, but the pause goes on too long and Peeta laughs. 'Great talking, Katniss.'

I sigh. 'I just, I don't know. I mean, I really enjoyed… you know, earlier. I just wondered if it was right, if it was, you know, normal.'

Peeta smiles at my lack of eloquence. 'Perfectly normal in my experience, but then my experience is exactly the same as your experience so what do I know?'

'You know more than me' I mutter. 'You don't still think I'm too pure, do you?'

Peeta smiles. 'I never said you were too pure. I think I said you were perfect for me, real or not real?'

'Real. But I feel it. I sometimes feel like you know what you're doing and I don't. You always have.'

Peeta frowns. 'Well I'm glad I've given you that impression, I'll take it as a compliment, but you know I haven't ever been with anyone else right?'

I know. 'Of course. But then how do you know what to do?'

'I don't know. I try things I want to try and if I like them, or you do then I keep doing them. Don't you do the same?'

I think back to our first explorations. 'I suppose. I just worry that, I don't know, that I'm not normal and I don't have anyone to ask.'

'You could ask Johanna? Or Ella? Or you mother? In fact you must have spoken to your mother about sex because she knew things when I stayed with her, things only you could have told her. And that was massively awkward by the way.'

I can't help but smile a little. 'Well I've talked to her about some things, but not exactly what we do. That would be weird, she's my mum. And I can't talk to Johanna, she'd just laugh at me. You know she always teases me about how innocent I am. Plus I don't think she'd be normal either.'

Peeta laughs. 'What is normal? Who cares? Look, Katniss, if I did something you didn't like I'm sorry, but just tell me. Even better, tell me at the time and I'll stop. If you do like whatever we do then it doesn't matter if someone else would consider it normal or not. We're not doing it for anybody else.' He sighs. 'Look, if you're worried just talk to Ella. I'm sure she won't laugh at you like Jo would, even though you know Jo would totally help you out if something was actually wrong.'

'I know. I'm not sure I know Ella well enough though.'

Peeta looks incredulous. 'But you've spent the past three weeks spending fourteen hours a day with her in the woods. What the hell have you been taking about? Shoes?'

I scowl again. 'Mostly we just hunt. You can't really talk and hunt at the same time or the animals know you're hunting them which slightly defeats the point.' I sigh thinking back to my only other female friend. 'You remember my friend Madge?' Peeta nods. 'Well she was probably my best friend all through school and we barely exchanged three words a day.'

Peeta smiles at me. 'Well you are known for your sparkling conversation.'

'Shut-up' I say. I pause a little then add. 'I miss her.'

Peeta strokes my hair away from my face. 'I know.' He looks sad and rolls away from me before he thinks I notice. He lies on his back and stretches out his arm, beckoning me in. I rest my head on his chest and rub my hand across his belly in what I hope is a soothing motion. He eventually explains. 'You wanted to know why I wasn't embarrassed talking about sex? Well remember that I'm the baby of my family. I grew up sharing a room with two older brothers and, well you hear things. Joe talked a lot about girls but I don't think he had actually ever done anything with any of them. Remembering some of the things he told me I'm pretty sure actually that he'd never touched a girl as a lot of what he said was wrong. Markus had definitely had sex though and was so proud. He was seeing a girl called Amber, did you know her? She worked in the school office.'

I close my eyes to try and picture her. 'Yes, she was the one I had to tell if Prim was ill and not coming in. She had blonde hair that wasn't curly exactly it was…'

'Frizzy' supplied Peeta, smiling. 'Yes, that was her. Markus met her when he'd gone to the school to tell them Josef and I were both ill.'

'What was wrong with you? Was that the year everyone got pox?' I ask.

Peeta shook his head. 'Officially we'd both burnt ourselves in a bakery accident, but it's a funny burn that leaves you with a black eye. Anyway, Mark went to the school, he'd left two years before and was expecting the old receptionist, Scary Mary.'

'I remember her, she wasn't that bad' I say but my involuntary shiver betrays my bravado.

'Anyway, he was pleasantly surprised to find Amber instead and got chatting to her. Somehow he got her to agree to meet him after work and he kissed her behind the school like he was still a kid there. After that they snuck around for a while. Markus kept it secret for all of a week then couldn't wait to tell us all the things he did to her. He'd whisper all these things at night when we were all in bed. Joe would always ask questions like what did you do? How did it feel? I bet he was storing up Mark's stories to pass off as his own. I just listened though, figuring I'd ask him what to do when the time came. Just, by the time it did come they were both gone. Even Dad. The only person I had at all was Haymitch.'

I keep stroking him and nuzzle my head against his chest, hoping he understands my silent message of support. He's silent for a while then says quietly. 'This might sound odd, but I really hope Josef didn't die a virgin, that somehow he met someone, someone real before, well before. I feel bad that I barely saw them when I got back from the games. I was living out here and Mum was so mad. So mad that I'd survived when she'd given up on me, so mad that I had this house and it was nicer than hers, so mad that I'd chosen you of all people. I knew Dad and Joe and Marc didn't care, that they were glad I was alive, but it wasn't like it had been before, when Joe was in the bunk below me and we would all talk in the dark when we thought Mum was asleep. As far as I know he'd never even kissed a girl, the last time we properly spoke neither of us had. So I just like to think that while I was away, that he met someone. That when the bombs hit maybe he had snuck out to be with her, or was at least in bed getting off thinking about her. I just want him to have got something he wanted in life, does that sound odd?'

I smile and lift my head up to kiss him. 'No, it makes perfect sense.' I say soothingly, then frown. 'It's probably best that Prim never had a boyfriend. I'd have shot anyone who tried to touch her.'

Peeta smiles grimly. 'That's if I hadn't already knocked him out with a bag of flour.' He wraps both his arms around me and pulls me tight. I'm drifting off to sleep as he mumbles to me. 'If you do ever speak to Ella about stuff, ask her what she and Haymitch were doing when I walked in on them in the kitchen. They seemed to be having fun but her legs were round his neck and it looked, well I have no idea how they physically got into that position.'

'Never' I murmur. 'I will never ask her about that.'


	27. Chapter 27

Johanna leaves without saying goodbye. Peeta wakes me one morning waving an envelope with my name on. He has a piece of paper in his other hand so obviously got his own note too. 'She's gone' he says and I assume he means Ella again until I tear open the envelope and read.

Hey Kitty-Kat,

I hate saying goodbyes so am going to get the train to the Capitol in the morning and screw you all. It's been fun, especially the screaming and crying, but there are only so many times you can walk in on your best friends fucking without thinking maybe you should go off and find someone to fuck yourself. Plus district 12 is really cold and I don't want my nipples to get frostbite.

Look after Peety for me. He still hides a lot of his bad days from you, don't let him and cut his hair, it is ridiculously long. Ella needs watching too. There's so much she still just doesn't get so try to be patient with her, even though you are the only person I know in the whole world with less patience than me. Haymitch, well he can look after himself, the drunken old bastard.

My plan is go to the Capitol for a bit, then maybe out to two to see Gale, four to visit Annie and her sprog and then home for a while, see how it is going. I'll come back to 12, well when you throw a party worth of my presence. Apparently I have a thing about even numbered districts, maybe I'll visit 5 just to mess with my own head.

Jo x

Peeta watches me read then gets up, not offering to show me his letter. 'I'm going to see if I can catch her before the train leaves' he says. I don't move to go with him. I don't really like goodbyes either. Instead I get up and go over to Haymitch's, remembering to knock and wait to hear Ella's voice say 'come in' before entering. She is sitting on the sofa reading her own letter. 'Good riddance' is all she says but she smiles sadly. 'Peeta's gone to find her before the train goes' I tell her. She shrugs. 'She'll like that. You and Haymitch too awkward, making a point that I never said goodbye, but Peeta ok.' I know what she means. When Peeta gets back he says he gave her a cheese bun and waved her off and that she laughed at him for being a mother hen. When Haymitch finally wakes and we tell him he doesn't seem surprised.

It turns out Johanna left just in time. The next day the first snow falls. Ella and I go to the woods to hunt and Peeta comes too, bringing his sketch book. We leave him on our rock and check all our traps, not resetting them as we don't know when we'll be back. I love walking through the woods with the snow on the trees and the crunch underfoot but it gets dark early and the wind is bitter.

We get snowed in. Properly snowed in. Snowed in to the point that Ella and Haymitch are having dinner with us and can't get home. We offer them a room but Haymitch is happy sleeping in a chair and Ella asks only for a blanket and curls up in a ball on the floor. In bed Peeta comments that sometimes he thinks he's crazy, sometimes he looks at our friends and realises that he is actually very normal. Because you know how to use a bed I ask him and he nods and laughs. I tell him about what Johanna said in her note, about him hiding his bad days from me. He frowns. 'I don't hide them from you' he says. 'Just sometimes you aren't here and when you are, well I'm, ok and telling you about it doesn't make me feel better so what's the point? ' I'm not convinced. 'Just don't hide things from me' I say and he shrugs. 'I don't. I never have.' He replies simply.

We are stuck in the house for six days. Luckily we have plenty of meat, salted, cured and smoked. There are a couple of sacks of flour so Peeta can bake as needed. Boredom is the real problem. None of us really want to talk so Haymitch turns the tv on and opens a bottle of liquor, Peeta brings an easel downstairs and starts painting a snowscene and Ella and I oil our bows and sharpen our arrows, talking about where we will go when the weather clears. She suddenly has a moment and tries to explain something to me but gets confused and can't find the words. This upsets her and Haymitch has to calm her down. When he does she explains that she forgot to tell me that she had found the bodies of Bonnie and Twill. They had gone too far east to reach 13. She tells me she covered their bones and marked the spot if ever I want her to take me there. We all agree we'll go together in the spring.

Ella admires Peeta's painting so he shows her his others. I can tell she is impressed so I show her our plant book too, knowing she'll appreciate it. She does. In fact she becomes obsessed with it. 'Don't you see, important' she keeps saying. 'Important for the people.' It takes a while but she eventually explains what she means, that in the New Panem where people have more freedom, everybody should know how to find food in the woods, what herbs can heal and which can kill. She is absolutely passionate about this and Peeta quickly catches her fire. I'm not convinced, this book is part of my family and I'm reluctant to share it with the world. Ella doesn't listen though and starts making lists and planning. The plants in my book are in no particular order but Ella starts grouping plants into those for food, those for healing and those that are poisonous. She also makes notes about where to find them and when. She sets Peeta to work redrawing them, and making him add scales in so the sizes were either life size, or clear that they're not with markings. She makes him use a particular type of paper, not the textured stuff he prefers. She says it will scan better but I don't know what that means.

I can't help but get sucked in, mostly because there is nothing else to do and partly because this is my thing and I have my own ideas. Ella and I have a couple of disagreements, which Peeta and Haymitch watch with great amusement, but after five days of solid work this new book is beginning to take shape and I can see what she means, how this could help people. It is more basic than my family plant book, which assumes a certain knowledge of healing and the forest. I even call my Mum and Gale when I realise I don't know all the things Ella is asking me about some herbs and roots. After I call Gale and tell him what we are doing Ella calls Plutarch as we all know Gale will tell him that she's back. We try not to listen in but it's hard when we're all in the one house. To be fair Ella doesn't get much of a chance to talk but mostly nods. She laughs though and seems happy enough to talk to him. I don't understand, I find him odious. I'm not impressed when Ella says he is coming to visit on the next train.

The snow eases off and we all start digging a path to town. The physical work is a nice change after being cooped up for so long. The first day we barely get out of the village but we still have plenty of food and are in much better spirits in the evening than we have been. We all have a swig from Haymitch's bottle to warm us up and the evening is merry because of it. When we dig our way to town Peeta and I go to bakery to check on Rory. The bakery is toasty and warm and though he has sold out for the day, he invites us in and we have tea and toast in his little apartment upstairs. He tells us about the things we've missed since the snow which is mostly about people being caught in the wrong houses when the snow came. He tells a very funny story about Thom getting of the train and trying to walk home in the snow, his arms out in front of him as he could barely see. Apparently he walked straight into a snowdrift, face first. Rory also tells us about what he claims was the biggest snowball fight the district has even seen. He claims the whole town came out and pelted each other across the square. He had the advantage of an upstairs window and managed to carry a pile of ammunition upstairs and pelt Hallie from above.

We stay until Ella comes to drag us over to another house, where a family from 11 live. I don't know how she knows them as I've never seen them before but she introduces them as Hannah and Oak and makes them show us a book they have full of pressed flowers. There are a lot I've never seen and they seem to know lots about their properties and seeds. Haymitch drags us away when it starts to get dark, but we visit them again, adding their knowledge to our book too.

Plutarch Heavensbee's visit is interesting. We all traipse down to meet the train, more because the snow is still thick on the ground and there isn't much else to do. He has brought a ridiculous amount of stuff with him but drops it all when he sees Ella, pulling her into a big hug. I'm glad he doesn't try to hug me or even shake my hand as he does with Peeta and Haymitch. He tells us all about the New Capitol as we each carry one of his bags back to the village. It doesn't sound different enough from the Old Capitol for my liking, but I find out for myself soon enough. Dinner that night is not as bad as I'd feared. Plutarch is as pompous and annoying as I remember but Haymitch and Ella have known him for a long time and tease him. He is actually quite able to laugh at himself. When they start talking about the rebellion I get up to clear dishes, not wanting to relive it tonight, not with someone I don't trust around. Peeta stays though and I catch a glimpse of Haymitch as he was before he got so broken, when he was younger, fiery and idealistic. Seeing their heads huddled together over the table I can well believe they set the whole uprising in motion.

It's actually good that Plutarch is around the next day when our next crisis hits. Against my will he is staying in our spare room as it is hard to heat one house let alone two in this weather. Haymitch and Ella are still living in our living room anyway. It is cold even in bed and I have to tuck the blanket tightly around us so not a whisper of air can get in. Only Peeta's body heat stops me from shivering. In the morning, when he gets up, I pull the blanket back tightly around me and am drifting off back to sleep when I hear banging and Peeta crying out. I forget the cold in my panic and jump up and run downstairs. Peeta is in a heap at the bottom of the steps, Haymitch already hovering over him. 'What happened?' I ask, pushing Haymitch rudely out of the way. 'I fell down the stairs, my leg isn't working' Peeta explains, trying to push himself up but flinching from pain and giving up. His artificial leg is tucked underneath him at an unnatural angle and he is bleeding from a cut on the back of his head but otherwise he seems ok. Haymitch and I lift him and drag him over to the sofa. Peeta frowns. 'I can't wiggle my toes, look' he says and we are riveted for a moment on his foot, which is not moving at all. He takes his artificial leg off and tries moving his knee around. He winces. 'Careful' I say. 'You've probably strained it.'

I run across to my old house wondering if my mother ever had crutches but I can't find any. When I get back Peeta is on the phone and Ella is bustling around our kitchen, making tea and toast by the looks of it. Haymitch grabs me before I get a chance to speak to Peeta. 'You'll have to go with him' he whispers. 'Go with him where?' I ask. Haymitch rolls his eyes. 'To the gingerbread town where the candy people live! God, sweetheart, to the Capitol of course.'

Peeta confirms it as he hangs up and hops back over to the sofa. 'I just spoke to a Doctor in the Capitol. I'm going to have to go there to get my leg fixed. He thinks the cold weather must have damaged its circuitry.' I take a deep breath. 'I'm coming with you then.' Peeta smiles sadly. 'Thanks Katniss, but you don't have to. In fact you can't, remember.' I hadn't remembered, I was concentrating too hard on how much I didn't want to go back. I make a strangled sound.

Ella hands me a cup of tea. 'I'll sort it' she says before returning to the kitchen and getting a cup each for Peeta and herself. Haymitch appears to already be on the booze. 'How?' I ask. She shrugs. 'Easy. Plutarch.' I shake my head. He still hasn't appeared from upstairs despite all our banging around. I wonder what it's like to be able to sleep that deeply. 'No' I say. 'He'll expect something in return.'

Ella smiles. 'So? What could he want that's so bad? An interview? Pah, who cares? Done plenty of interviews.' I would care, I think to myself. I shake my head. 'No, it's ok. We'll find another way.' Ella actually laughs at me. 'Why? This way ok.' I can't explain. 'I don't want to owe you' Ella laughs again. 'Stupid girl, owe me what? I took your bow, eat your food, live in your house. No owing. No debt. Silly.'

I look down to catch Peeta smiling. I've never been able to make him understand either. He just likes helping people. Ella takes things out of my hands when Plutarch finally gets up. 'Thank god you're here' she says grabbing his hand as he comes down the stairs. 'Crisis, need you.' Plutarch looks concerned. 'My dear, what's the matter?'

'Peeta's leg, broken. Need to go to the Capitol to fix it but refuses to leave Katniss.' She sighs dramtically.

Plutarch nods. 'Well then she'll have to go with him.' Ella nods. 'She must, she must, but she can't. Not allowed.'

Plutarch lies an arm on her shoulder. 'Don't worry about that, I'm sure I can work something out.' Ella pulls a face that I think it totally over the top but Plutarch doesn't seem to realise. 'Could you? That would be so good. The kids' she waves at us 'like family.' Plutarch nods again. 'Of course, of course. I'll make a few phone calls and sort it out.' He does. While we are waiting in the living room Haymitch mimes Ella wrapping Plutarch around her little finger. She pokes her tongue out him but gives a little curtsey to show she is pleased with her acting. 'See what price is' is all she says though.

'All sorted' says Plutarch when he hangs up. 'We can all go back together on the next train. I'm sorry I still couldn't get permission to get a hovercraft out here.' Peeta thanks him and assures him the train will be fine. Then he names his price. 'And while we're there Ella, I thought it would be rather nice to interview you, let Panem see that you're alive and well.' Ella doesn't skip a beat. 'Lovely idea. I can also get the paperwork sorted for my victor's pay.' Plutarch narrows his eyes but nods.

And like that is agreed. We're going back to the Capitol.


	28. Chapter 28

Ella makes some makeshift crutches for Peeta from tree branches. He says they're actually pretty good and she explains she sprained her ankle a couple of times when she was dead and had practise finding the right shaped bits of wood. She winds cloth around the ends so they don't rub his arms too much.

We look a motley crew when we head out to the station. Haymitch refuses to come with us to the Capitol but he has to come to the station to help carry Plutarch's bags. I carry a bag with some clothes for Peeta and myself and his leg. Ella takes her bow and her bag, out of habit I suppose. I don't push my luck and ask if I can take my bow too. It's not like they'll be anything I need to shoot in the Capitol this time around. Peeta hobbles along in front of us, speed hopping as he is worried too much about slowing us down. Plutarch talks the whole way about what he is going to show us in the Capitol, oblivious to the fact that Peeta and I will not be sightseeing and Ella is only agreeing to this to help us and, as she admitted to me, because she knew she would have to eventually. Her goodbye to Haymitch is a simple peck on the cheek before she jumps onto the train without looking back. I do the same, realising I have been back in district twelve for nearly a year and a half and have seen Haymitch nearly every single day of that. He is the most constant thing in my adult life. 'Stick together, you'll be ok' he says. 'I thought you weren't our mentor anymore' I tease back. He gives me a rude gesture and I turn to help Peeta climb the steps up.

Plutarch of course complains about how common the train is but its fine. Peeta and I have a cabin to ourselves, though it is two single bunks. He collapses onto the lower one. 'I'm not hopping all the way up there' he says as I throw our bag onto the top bunk. I laugh and throw his leg up there for good measure too. 'Fine, your leg can have a bed to itself I say' and curl up next to him.

Ella knocks but doesn't wait for a reply to come in and sit on the end of what is now a very crowded bunk. 'You ok?' asks Peeta, struggling to sit up. 'No' she says. 'Terrified. Haven't been to the Capitol since I faked my death and walked out. Don't know how it will feel to be back and the interview is stressing me out. Have Jo's voice in my head telling me not to talk in stupid choppy sentences.'

'Me too' I say. 'I haven't been back since I assassinated the last President. I know it will have changed but there are still so many places that bring back horrible memories.' Peeta squeezes my hand. 'It'll be ok. We can just go to the hospital and then head back home. We're not on any kind of victory tour this time around.'

'Lucky' says Ella glumly. 'I'll get the whole Capitol treatment. Hope they don't wax my armpits for the interview.'

Peeta looks horrified. 'Why would they?' I laugh. 'Because hair removal is part of getting to beauty base zero.' 'But doesn't it hurt?' he asks. 'Yes' say Ella and I together, laughing. The train starts to pull out of the station and Ella gets up to go and find a seat by a window somewhere. I ask Peeta if he wants to do the same but he admits he doesn't want to walk any further so I curl up with my head on his chest and let the motion of the train and the familiarity of it all lull us to sleep.

We wake up when Ella comes to get us for lunch, which is served in the last car. Plutarch is presiding over a table right at the very back with the best views. I'm uncomfortable with the looks we get as we walk through but I suppose I'd better get used to it. It's only going to get worse in the Capitol. I realise how much worse when Plutarch says we'll be met by my prep team when we arrive. I complain that I don't need prepping to sit in a hospital waiting room but get waved away. I understand that there will be cameras waiting for us so I'd better look presentable but really the team are coming to sort out Ella. After six years living in the woods I can only imagine what they'll say. She asks me what they're like and I tell her they're ok, quite sweet really. She makes a waxing noise and rolls her eyes though which makes me laugh and spill my soup. The bread rolls are a little stale and I miss home already.

Having walked so far from our cabin, Peeta suggests we spend the rest of the afternoon where we are, so the waiters clear around us and we watch the changing scenery. I get a sense of how much things are changing. As we pass district borders there are no longer fences and people in fields wave to the train as it passes. We wave back though I'm sure we're travelling too fast for them to see.

Ella points out places she has been and Plutarch tells us what is going on where. Peeta makes me go back and get his sketchbook from our room and doodles as we go. Though not looking forward to the trip, I get a sense of perspective about it. I'm not going to the games, my life is not in danger and neither is Peeta's. This makes it infinitely better than any previous trip on this train. So does the sex. Though Peeta and I have spent many nights sleeping together on trains it had always been perfectly innocent, purely for comfort. This time we have intense sex on our tiny bunk and fall asleep spent into a nightmareless void. Peeta is smiling at me when I stir in the morning, squashed up against him so his erection is pressing into my thigh. 'This is nice' he says. 'I get to live out all the fantasies I had on all those other train journeys with you.' Apparently he had some pretty interesting fantasies.

We get up in time to eat and watch the train arrive. The first glimpse of the Capitol looks the same as when we first saw it four years ago. The station isn't as crowded though. Everyone else files off the train leaving only us. Venia and Flavius get aboard and I nearly don't recognise them, they look so normal. They scream when they see me and there are hugs all round. Apparently Octavia has a new job designing home interiors but sends her love. Venia complains that she is too old to be taught new tricks and I politely say surely not. I get Flavius first while Venia works on Ella, then they switch. As no one is around we stay in the dining car so we can all chat. Plutarch leaves to check on cars and photographers and things but Peeta stays, bemused by the whole process until Flavius attacks his eyebrows with tweezers. I ask a question about beards that has been bothering me since the victory tour. What did they do to the boys to stop them growing stubble in the arena? I am now very familiar with Peeta's beard growth at many stages but he was definitely baby smooth in both arenas. Flavius shows me the tool they used to do it and offers to do Peeta. He shakes his head vehemently. 'No way, that thing stings' though he concedes probably less than armpit waxing which I am spared but Ella is not. I just get my face and nails done. Venia goes to do my hair but Peeta offers instead and plaits it for me down the side the way he likes it. We wait for them to finish Ella, which is mostly selfish so we don't have to get off the train and face whatever horrors await alone. She is given a green dress to wear which is really lovely and she laughs and says the clothes were the one thing she missed. She looks very different when she is ready to the odd little woman from the woods that first showed up with Johanna. Her hair is curled and falls around her shoulders softly, and her make-up makes her hazel eyes shine. She is giving us her best twirl when Plutarch returns with a medical team. They have a wheelchair for Peeta so I help him into it and we take a deep breath and head out.

It isn't too bad. There are three separate camera crews but no one else. I don't say anything and Peeta answers all the questions thrown at us. How are we doing? Are we happy? Any plans to try for another baby? He smiles and waves and skilfully evades questions while sounding like he's answered them. I smile and wave. Ella gets it worse, with a hundred different questions shouted at her at once. She is so good though. She smiles kindly, holds up one hand until she gets silence then speaks in perfect sentences. 'Thanks you all for your fabulous welcome. It's so strange for me to be back here after all these years but I'm really looking forward to seeing the new world that everyone has fought so hard to build. I don't have time for any questions now but I hope to speak to you all later at the interview or at some other time during my stay.' As she moved to get into a car the questions start up again but she smiles and disappears. I catch her eye as the door closes behind her. She rolls her eyes at me as I gave her a thumbs up. 'She's good' said Peeta admiringly. 'Haymitch always said she was but I couldn't really see how. Now I get it. You can see why he fell for her.'

'Easily' I reply. 'The real question has always been why she fell for him.' And we smile as we are bundled into another car.

I'm sure I have been to this hospital before but it doesn't feel familiar. I suppose I was too out of it before to really process details about my surroundings. We are taken straight to see a Doctor who examines Peeta while his leg is sent off somewhere else. I sit quietly next to my husband and hold his hand and try not to think about any other hospital visits or Prim and what a good medic she would have made. When the Doctor is finished he says Peeta is fine and all the nerves in what's left of his leg are firing normally. This means it is just a technical problem with his prosthesis. He is given the choice of staying and waiting for it to be fixed, being wheeled to a nearby hotel where we can stay while it is being fixed which might take a couple of days, or using crutches. Peeta opts for crutches and I lead him out, opening doors for him but not being able to do much else. I think we get to the hotel unseen and unrecognised but when we arrive at the reception I see news flashes of us walking across the road on the screen behind the desk. They show me looking worriedly at Peeta as he hops along. The sound is turned down but the text running along the bottom of the screen says 'Mockingjay returns to Capitol with injured husband.' Peeta grimaces but I stay calm. 'It's alright, we're not leaving the hotel again so what can they do.'

Our room has a view, of course, so we spend the rest of the day looking out of the window, pointing out the differences between people and buildings. People still don't dress like in the districts but they are not as ridiculous as before. Still colourful but more practical. We order food to be delivered to the room and put the TV on to watch Ella. She is wearing a different dress, a red one this time, and has more make up on than earlier but looks relaxed. I wonder how much of it is an act. Plutarch himself is interviewing her. I wonder how much of her story he already knows and how honest she will be about why she faked her own death. Very is the answer. She tells her story pretty much as she told us, but without getting upset. She stays very calm and manages to get across the desperation she felt at the time without lapsing into self-pity. She is charmingly coy when asked how she and Haymitch are doing now and we share a smile, knowing we've seen more than enough of their relationship. I tell Peeta I never asked her how they did that weird sex thing he wanted to know about. He pretends to be shocked but isn't.

Ella talks a bit about us, saying how kind we've been to her, and how we are privately rebuilding our lives and our district. I thank her for emphasising the private. Plutarch asks her some uncomfortable questions about her part in the early uprisings and how guilty she must feel about not sticking around to see them through. She gets a bit teary but I'm proud of her when she finishes saying. 'I was as strong as I could be for as long as I could be. It's amazing to see the new world that so many fought for, sacrificed for. It is the world I had dreamed of and I can't explain my joy at returning to find it a reality. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to be there to fight for it with you, I hope you can forgive me for that.' She says this to camera but I get the sense she is really talking to Plutarch. I wonder for the first time why he was ever part of the rebellion, what had driven him to turn on the Capitol when it seemed to treat him so well. I guess I'll ask Ella.

We have turned off the lights and are drifting off to sleep when there is a knock at the door. I get up to open it and see Ella. 'Can I sleep on your floor?' she asks and I nod sleepily. She pulls her red dress off, grabs a towel from the bathroom to use as a blanket and curls up on the rug on the floor in her underwear. She looks nothing like the woman I just watched on television.

By the time I wake up in the morning she is gone.

We head back to the hospital and see the same Doctor again but Peeta's leg is still not ready. I am getting cabin fever from the train and spending all day sitting and I can tell Peeta is too. Even though walking is hard work he suggests we stretch our legs, all three of them. Three and a half I correct. I tell him I don't want to go near the president's mansion but otherwise I don't mind where we go. I can't face seeing where I lost Prim, I know I will fall apart again and i know it will take ten times as long to put myself back together. He nods and calls a car over. It takes us to another square. 'I wanted to see the memorial' he says. 'I hope that's ok. I couldn't face it at the time with all the pomp and ceremony but now, when it's just us I want to. I need to.' I don't know how I feel about this but we are here, and as Peeta says, it's just us, no camera crews to spy on our grief.

I help him out of the car and pass him his crutches and he leads me through the square to a wall on the far side. It looks like the night sky. It is black marble with sparkles, only as I get closer do I realise the sparkles are names carved into the stone and what looked like constellations froma distance are actually clusters of names, grouped by district, by how they died or as Peeta less fatalistically points out, how they lived.

We each search for the names of the people that meant the most to us. Peeta finds his family easily in the names of those lost in the firebombs of district 12. Prim is with the medical teams of district 13 and as I run my fingers over her name I am glad it is her talent for healing that defines how she will be remembered, how people who didn't know her will see her. The Star Squad has its own cluster which Peeta is transfixed by. I lay my hand on his back gently. 'Andrew' he says. 'Andrew Mitchell. I killed him and I didn't even know his name, his whole name.' 'It wasn't you' I say. 'You didn't kill him. It was the poison.' I get upset as I don't which Leeg was which. Peeta tells me Alyson was two and Madeleine was one. I ask how he knows and he reminds me that everyone took turns babysitting him as his only purpose on the mission was to kill me, and he didn't even do that, he had a lot of time on his hand to talk to people. I realise there is someone else I have to find. I think for a minute but don't even know where to begin. 'Help me find the woman I shot, the one in her apartment.' Peeta frowns. 'I wouldn't know where to start.' It becomes very important to me though. We find a group of Capitol residents who died in the rebellion but there are so many names it is impossible to guess. Peeta reaches out to me as best he can on his crutches. 'You did what you had to do, Katniss. It was a war.' I shake my head. 'She was just in her home, she wasn't threatening me' 'She'd have given our location away. If you hadn't shot her, Gale or someone else would have. It was necessary.' I shake my head again. 'Forgive yourself for Mitchell and I'll forgive myself for the unnamed lady' I challenge him. Our eyes lock and he stares back at me for a long time. I see him wrestling with this, I see his eyes flicker and change as he thinks. I know the situations were different but forgiveness is hard and we need to get past this, we both do. 'Ok' he says finally and I smile. I meant it. If he can forgive himself then I have to too and we move on.

We smile at our own names, listed as tributes and victors. 'But we're not dead' I say. 'Only five sixths of me got out of the first arena' says Peeta. 'My leg should be up there not me.' 'You could scratch that on' I suggest. It would be easy to change Peeta Mellark to Peeta Mellark's leg. We laugh and the couple of other people at the memorial look at us strangely, but I think we've earned the right to grieve how we chose and if we want to laugh at our own trials and survival, why not. Peeta asks if I mind walking back to the hotel. I don't if he wants to. We go slowly but it is good to walk around a bit. From the ground it's easier to see the changes. People walk more briskly, with more purpose and a different look in their eyes. Peeta points out a block of apartments that the council representatives stay in when they're in town. There aren't many lights on as the council isn't sitting this week and they are all in their districts. I try to picture Gale walking in and out of the building, walking down this street. It feels odd.

When we get back Peeta collapses on the bed, exhausted. I let him rest for a bit then sit on his lap, wanting to make him want me. I lean in to kiss him and stroke the hair out of his face. 'Katniss, I'm really tired' he says. 'That's ok' I reply. 'You don't have to do anything.' I stroke him and kiss him again, gently biting his lower lip. He pulls my head closer and kisses me back. Straddling him I can feel as he starts to twitch beneath me. I keep kissing him, my hands cupping his face, glad he kept his stubble as I love the feel of it under my hands. His arms circle me and pull my body against his. I feel my own heat rising and grind my hips into his. Peeta moans and kisses me harder. I pull away to unbutton his shirt and then pull mine over my head. I love how he looks at my body, the reverence in his eyes. His desire makes me feel desirable, beautiful, powerful. I unzip his trousers and he lifts his hips so I can pull them off, taking his underwear along too. He definitely wants me. I stand up briefly to strip away my own clothes, not breaking Peeta's eye contact. He breaks it first, looking down at my breasts and biting his lip. I climb back onto him, brushing my centre over his erection but settling lower down on his thighs. I lean down and we kiss again, harder. He slides his hand between my legs and reaches for me, slowly stroking me with a finger. I am ready but just to tease pull away and trail kisses down his body. I swirl my tongue around his head until his hips buck then I sit back up. 'Sure you're not too tired?' I ask as my hips hover over his. 'Katniss' he warns throatily and I reach down and guide him into me. I take a moment to enjoy the feel of him inside me then lean forward and brace my hands on his shoulders. As I rock back and forth I close my eyes, unable to focus even on Peeta as the heat builds inside me. I feel Peeta shudder beneath me and know he is close. He reaches between us again and the pressure of his finger against me is the extra sensation I need to join him as we cry out in release.

I sink down onto him and he pulls me close, but he is asleep within minutes. I listen to his heartbeat and smile to myself. Who knew I could be in the Capitol and be this relaxed. I must drift off too because I am woken by a knock at the door and realise it is dark outside. We must have slept for a couple of hours. I scramble to put on some clothes, Peeta doing the same but a little slower because of his leg. I am fully dressed but he is only in his shirt and underwear when I open the door.

It is Ella, all dressed up again, her hair piled on top of her head. 'Not interrupting?' she asks, noticing Peeta's lack of trousers. 'Not at all' I say and she comes in. Peeta seems more embarrassed about his lack of leg than his lack of clothes and tucks his knee under him on the bed so his stump doesn't show.

'How was your day?' Peeta asks her and she sighs. 'Long. More interviews then filmed at memorial. That was hard.' Peeta and I exchange glances, at least we'd had the time there to ourselves.

'Now off to dinner' continues Ella 'and want you to come.' 'No' I say as Peeta asks 'Dinner with who?'

Ella smiles. 'With Plutarch, representatives here already and other "people of influence"' she says this in an Effie style voice. 'Thought you could talk about district plans and I could drum up some sponsors for our book.' 'The book isn't a tribute, Ella' I say narkily. She shrugs. 'No, but important and needs support and money to print. Good opportunity.' 'Well I'm not coming, but you can go if you want' I say to Peeta. 'Ok,' he says. 'I will' and I although I said he could I get angry and don't speak to him as he gets ready or when he kisses me goodbye.

My anger doesn't last long though. Mostly I am just glad I am spared the horror of dinner with so called important people. I order food to the room and watch the awful Capitol programming. There is a terrible show on where people sing and dance and score points from the crowd cheering. The people on it are awful but at least they seem to be there by choice and they are singing and not murdering. Small mercies. Ella is on the news. They show a snippet from an interview and footage of her crying at the memorial and tracing names with her fingers as we had done earlier. Of the names they show I only recognise Wiress and Finnick, the others must be people from her district. In other news from around Panem several factories have reopened in 3, new trains are being built and more train lines between districts planned, and 12 is still having the coldest winter on record.

I forget to even pretend to be annoyed with Peeta when he returns. I can hear him coming down the corridor on his crutches and open to door to let him in so he doesn't have to struggle with the handle. 'How was it?' I ask, kissing him gently. 'Interesting' he says, heading to the bathroom. 'Thom was there and we had an interesting talk with Paylor about a train line between 12 and 13.' For once, having watched the news I don't feel like an idiot when he talks about this stuff. 'Did Ella get what she wanted?' Peeta laughs, his mouth full of toothpaste. 'Yeah, I think so. She was mostly talking to one of her own district guys about printing but several people sounded really interested. Paylor loved the idea as a way to promote independent living in the districts and Plutarch and Effie raved about how easy it would be to market it given that it's us who's done it.'

'Well if both the President and Effie are on board it's bound to be a success' I comment dryly and offer Peeta my arm to help him hop to the bed. 'Gale's due in tomorrow' Peeta tells me. 'Do you want to meet up with him?' I'm not sure. 'Maybe, if you get your leg back' I tell him, not sure why it matters but knowing that it does. He nods and collapses onto the bed. When I join him he takes control and rolls me onto my back, driving me to the edge with his tongue and then thrusting into me, hard. As we catch our breath afterwards he asks about our last day before the Quell. 'We spent the day on the roof, real or not real?' 'Real.' 'You threw an apple at my head' 'real, but it was a game we made up, I wasn't trying to hurt you.' 'You agreed if we could stop time we could stay there forever' 'Real'.

Peeta pulls me closer. 'I'm glad we couldn't stop time then, this is better.' It is.


	29. Chapter 29

_**Sorry this took so long coming! I've been working on my own book. Just finished and can pick up life where I left off…back to the hunger games **_

Peeta is sitting on the hospital bed and I hold his hand as we wait for the Doctor to arrive.

I feel I should say something comforting but I'm not very good at that and anyway, Peeta said he wasn't in any pain. If anything he's just impatient to get back to normal, whatever normal is. I stroke his hand with my thumb and hope he knows what I mean by it.

When the Doctor finally comes he fits Peeta's leg back on and runs a series of tests. At first Peeta can't move it properly and even a simple thing like moving his toes makes him frown in concentration as his leg jerks about erratically. The Doctor makes him do exercises for half an hour or so before telling him to take a break and leaving us.

'Thank you' Peeta says to me. 'What for?' I ask, puzzled. I am not being particularly supportive. Mostly I am now just sitting with him wondering how soon I can go and get lunch as I'm getting hungry. 'For being here. Last time this was really scary but this time I don't mind it so much.'

'That's just because you've done it all before. You know you can do it. You're not all "oh my god, where's the rest of my leg" every time you look down.' Peeta laughs at this. 'I think you freaked out most when you saw it' he says, smiling at me. I think back. I did. 'Well it was a shock. We were on television and you were all styled and perfect and I didn't expect it. Plus I felt guilty.'

'What for?' Peeta asks incredulous. 'Guilty that I hadn't protected you. I was supposed to be the healer and I failed. As you said, I only got five sixths of you out.'

'So you only a sixth failed. That's not bad. If that was a school test you'd still have got an A.' I can't help but laugh. Peeta always knows the right thing to say to make people feel better. That's how I first knew that despite Snow's best efforts I hadn't lost him completely. When we were in the sewers beneath us here now and he told Pollox he was the most important of us, or when he made Tigris blush under all her cat tattoos by calling her an excellent stylist. However many fits he had only the old Peeta, my Peeta could slip out a compliment so naturally.

The Doctor returns to do more exercises with him and I slip out to get some food, promising to bring some back. The Doctors and nurses ignore me but in the canteen all the patients gawk at me as I queue up and select limp looking sandwiches. I hate it and keep my head down. I wish they'd just leave me alone. I'm not entertainment anymore, at least I'm not supposed to be. I can't even tell here if they are Capitol people or from the districts. A few have tattoos that give them away but most are pale and unmade up sitting in hospital gowns.

As I pay for the food the woman who takes my money says kindly 'I hope Peeta feels better soon. We're all still rooting for you both.' 'Thank you' I say stiffly, not quite sure what to make of that. If I had my way no one would be thinking about us at all, but I suppose support is better than hatred. Especially from people who used to have every luxury at the expense of others and now don't because of us.

I take Peeta his sandwich and he thanks me politely but frowns at it. 'I know' I say. 'I miss home too.'

He seems to be getting the hang of controlling his leg though and the doctor wheels him down the corridor to a room with a set of parallel bars. Peeta stands up, rests his arms on the bars and starts trying to walk, using his arms for support when his leg gives way. I just watch, guilty enjoying when his leg buckles as his arms look so sexy when they take his whole weight. I am not a good wife.

The Doctor tells me to say something encouraging. My mind goes blank. This really isn't my area. 'Good job Peeta, you're doing really well' I try. Peeta actually laughs and has to stop for a moment. 'What?' I ask, annoyed. 'You, trying to be supportive. It just sounds, I don't know wrong.' Great, I think, scowling. Peeta takes pity on me. 'Just stand at the end and keep scowling so I have something to aim for' he says. I follow his instructions and he keeps his eyes locked on mine as he attempts step after step. By the time he reaches the end of the rails I realise I am smiling and offering encouragement without sounding like a twit. I kiss his forehead when he reaches me.

'See, that wasn't so hard was it?' he says and I scowl again this time playfully.

We do this for as long as Peeta can then ask if we can return to the hotel. The Doctor nods. 'That's the physical therapy done for the day. I can send your psychotherapist to your hotel if you'd be more comfortable having your session there.' Peeta nods and asks me to push him back. 'Psychotherapist?' I ask annoyed as I ram his knees into a door to open it. 'Yeah, standard for people with bits missing' he jokes. 'It shouldn't take long. It didn't last time' he pauses. 'But then last time around all that was missing was a bit of leg. This time my brain is already messed up.'

We get back to our room and I settle Peeta in an armchair and order some tea to be brought up. We are drinking it when there is a knock at the door. I open it and see a familiar face. 'Dr Aurelius?' I say surprised. He nods. 'It seemed to make sense given that I'm already familiar with Peeta's case' he says smiling. 'Though I should warn you Peeta, I have no experience in counselling limb loss patients. Well, excepting you and we've never actually talked about your leg.'

Peeta laughs. 'No need. It's gone, sometimes it hurts. It's not a problem when my prosthesis works. That's about it.'

Dr Aurelius turns to me. 'And how does it make you feel, Katniss?' I shrug. 'A little guilty sometimes that he lost it because of my tourniquet, but then he'd be dead if I hadn't done that so not too bad. Mostly I don't even remember about it until he takes it off to go to bed.'

The Doctor looks interested by this. 'So you don't sleep with it on?' he asks Peeta. 'No, it's more comfortable to take it off' he says, bemused. 'Plus the metal bits are cold on my legs' I add. The Doctor smiles. 'Well, I think we're done on that topic then. Any chance of a cup of tea for me too?'

Peeta nods and gestures to me to order one. I frown. 'If we're done, why are you staying for tea?' I question. He smiles. 'Because you don't answer the phone enough and I thought while you were here I'd actually earn my keep for a change.' Great, shrink time.

It isn't too bad though. Mostly he just asks how we're doing and as we're doing ok it isn't too painful. The only hard bit is when he asks me how I'm dealing with Prim's death here in the Capitol. 'I'm not' I say. 'I can't go anywhere near where it happened and even thinking about it makes me see the flames again.' 'You were ok at the memorial though' interjects Peeta. I nod. 'I was glad she was listed as a medic. She would have liked that. It made me proud of her.' 'What else would Prim have liked?' asks Dr Aurelius gently. 'Oh, lots of things' I say. 'She would like that Peeta and I are married, she would like that our house is full of plants and paintings, she would like how well we eat. She would like Haymitch's geese and that Rory works at the bakery. She would love that her stupid cat and I get along. She would like that our mother is working at a hospital, she would like that Ella's book could help other people learn about healing. She would like that there are no more games and reapings and…' I find that I am crying and can't go on. 'Dammit' says Peeta and I hear a thud but can't see through the tears what is going on. 'I can't get my leg to work again. If you want me to comfort you you'll have to come here' he says. I laugh and hiccup and cry and walk the couple of steps to Peeta and sink down in his lap. He puts his strong arms around me and holds me tight until I calm down.

I forget the Doctor is even there until he coughs slightly and we jump. 'Well, I think if you can find that many positive things about your life and the two of you are able to comfort each other like this, then I can feel pretty smug in my ability as therapist.'

'Yeah, it's all you' I mutter ungraciously but deep down I know he has helped. He's helped me by knowing when to leave me alone and he's helped Peeta so much in sorting out his memories. 'Thanks' I add sincerely as a token gesture.

There is a knock at the door and Dr Aurelius gets it as I am still sitting on Peeta.

'Ah, Ms Fletcher' he says. 'I believe we are due to meet tomorrow but come in.'

'Um, what?' asks Ella, coming in hesitantly and taking my chair.

'Ella, this is Dr Aurelius. He's our shrink'. Peeta does the introductions. 'Dr Aurelius, Ella is our neighbour and as you can see we are used to just barging in to each other's personal space'

'Knocked' says Ella, smiling. Peeta acknowledges this with a tilt of his head. She turns to the Doctor. 'Don't need shrink.'

He smiles. 'I'm sure, but given what you have been though a bit of a chat can't hurt.'

'Ok' says Ella raising her eyebrows. 'Let's chat.'

'I'm not sure that's appropriate with others around' Dr Aurelius says carefully. Ella shrugs. 'Seen me at my worst' she says gesturing to us. I laugh and everyone stares at me. 'If that's true' I say. 'Then she really doesn't need a shrink. The worst I've seen her is sad because sad things have happened. I'd say on the scale of normal to well, us, that she's pretty normal.' Peeta nods. 'She doesn't always sound it because she was alone for so long and she still gets a bit, well ungrammatical when she's tired or upset, but basically she's the only sane one in our little neighbourhood.'

Ella laughs. 'Thanks.'

Dr Aurelius smiles. 'What sad things have happened Ella?' She sighs. 'Lost parents, Reaped, Games, Raped, Threatened, Ran away, Lonely, get back find out lots of friends dead but country better place.' She shrugs. 'Was sad, but things better now.'

'What things are better now?' he gently probes. 'No games, no threats, except Plutarch and interviews but ok. Haymitch still loves me. Messed up but getting his shit together. Johanna still alive and bit crankier but ok, getting her shit together. Made new friends' she waves at us again 'And they're getting their shit together. All of Panem getting its shit together. Good.'

Dr Aurelius laughs. 'I think Peeta's right. You sound a little odd but you seem grounded in reality well enough.' Ella smiles. 'Will see you tomorrow anyway' she says as the Doctor gets up to leave. 'You seem ok and time away from Plutarch better for my mental health than anything else'.

When he's gone Peeta asks Ella how her day was. 'Exhausting again. Met so many people. Shake hands shake hands shake hands. Boring'

We switch the television on for a while, mostly so we can all switch our brains off for a bit. The news says that parliament will be sitting for two weeks starting tomorrow and I remember Gale is here just as there is a knock at the door. Speak of the devil.


	30. Chapter 30

'Hey Gale' I say as I open the door. 'Hi Catnip, Hi Peeta. I wanted to ask you both..' he pauses when he sees Ella. 'Ms Fletcher' he adds, a different, more formal tone to his voice. 'Minister Hawthorne' she replies standing up and shaking his hand. It feels very awkward. 'Sorry, did you not get my message?' Gale asks as I tell him to sit down. 'I told reception to let you know I'd be coming.' We hadn't but it didn't matter.

'So what did you want to ask us?' I ask, perching on the arm of Peeta's chair. Gale frowns and his eyes flit to Ella. She notices but doesn't offer to leave. I think she's enjoying making him uncomfortable. Or maybe she just doesn't want to go. 'Um, actually I do need to ask you to phone my mum, Peeta.'

'Why?' Peeta sounds puzzled. He barely knows Hazelle.

'It's Rory' Gale explains. 'His birthday is coming up and Mum wants him to come to 2 to visit.'

'Ok' says Peeta. 'When is it?'

'Three weeks' time.'

Peeta shrugs. 'I should be back on my feet in a week or so. He can go then. Even if I'm not a hundred percent Andrea can hold down the fort for a bit. '

Gale frowns. 'That's what I thought you'd say.' I don't understand. 'So what's the problem?' I ask.

'The problem is that Rory told Mum he couldn't get the time off work. That Peeta wouldn't let him have that much time off and that she would have to come to 12 to visit him instead.'

'Not Real' Peeta and I say together.

Gale nods. 'I didn't think for a moment that it was but Mum is worried and Rory obviously has some kind of issue or he wouldn't lie.'

'I'll talk to Rory when I get back and sort it out' promises Peeta, but then he yawns massively. 'Sorry' he says. 'It's been a long day.'

'Go to bed' I say and Gale and Ella stand up to leave. 'No I'm fine, you just got here' Peeta waves them to sit down but yawns again. 'It's fine' says Gale. 'I can come back tomorrow'

But Peeta won't hear of it and sits back down again. Gale politely asks Ella how she is and they discuss he changes in the Capitol for a bit until I realise Peeta is actually asleep. 'We should go' Ella says when she notices. 'No it's fine. I'm not even nearly tired yet' I say. 'Just let me put him to bed so I can get the chair back'

I stir Peeta gently and help him up. He leans on me heavily for the couple of steps to the bed then falls back onto it. I go to take his leg off but he stops me. 'If I leave it on I'll get used to it quicker' he says. 'Isn't it sore?' I ask. 'Yes but I'll be asleep in a second' he replies and is.

I skip over a goodnight kiss as we have visitors and go back to the armchair which is comfy and warm.

'So where were we?' I ask.

'Exchanging awkward pleasantries about the state of the nation' laughs Elle. Gale smiles and for a moment I think they are going to get along. I could not be more wrong. Gale starts it off by asking Ella how she knows Plutarch. I'm sure he already knows as it sounds like a leading question. Ella is no fool though. 'From the early days of planning the rebellion' she says lightly. 'Back when he had all of his hair. He's still annoyed with you about the Hovercraft bill' she adds.

Gale shrugs. 'They use too much fuel. For any given trip in a hovercraft fifteen land vehicles can make the same journey.'

Ella nods. 'Plus you see more on the ground. Blame hovercrafts for some of the former Capitol lack of understanding.'

Gale nods. 'Hadn't thought of that. It would be easier to ignore suffering if you're flying over it and not seeing it close up. Mind if I use that?'

Elle smiles. 'You can, if you're willing to consider nuclear disarmament'

This really annoys Gale. 'What it is about nuclear disarmament that means everyone wants to talk to me about it all of a sudden' he says angrily.

Ella shrugs. 'Defence minister, your job'

Gale squints at her. 'And what is your job, Ms Fletcher?' he asks coldly. Less like my friend and more like a politician.

'Currently, being interviewed by every bloody journalist in Panem' she sighs. 'Then want to get plant book published. Thanks for help on that.' 'Not a problem' says Gale. 'I'll see to it that the right people support it.' It's the talk of the plant book that reminds me of the woods and this makes me laugh. I have to cover my mouth as I'm laughing too loudly and I don't want to wake Peeta.

'What is it?' asks Gale, confused.

'The two of you' I say between breaths. They really are too funny. 'I know you both from hunting in the woods. When I think of you I think of you, both, I think of you surrounded by trees and all dirty but you're both being so…'

'Capitol?' they both suggest. I nod. Ella laughs but Gale doesn't seem to find it funny. 'You can't hide in the woods forever' he says. I realise he is talking to me but Ella takes it personally. 'Really?' she says icily.

Gale notices the misunderstanding but for some reason doesn't apologise and back down. 'Well, by all accounts you were pretty involved in the early days of the rebellion, recruiting Plutarch, arranging meetings. Sending messages to 13. Then you leave, right before things actually kick off. Plutarch says it would have been easier if you were there. That you would have seen what Coin was planning, that you could have managed Katniss properly. '

'Hey' I say. I want to say I don't need managing but I suppose I always did. Having seen Ella's interviews I can't imagine she would have had me doing such ridiculous propos and somehow I think she would have known how to motivate me better than Plutarch or Coin or even Haymitch.

'Not your place to judge' is all Ella says.

'Remember we talked about running away once too' I try to remind Gale. This just seems to anger him more. 'Yes, but we didn't because of the rebellion. Because we had a chance to actually make a difference.'

'I made a difference' said Ella 'and then I took care of the people I cared about. And then I took care of me. What's your problem with that?'

'I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem with you acting all holier than thou when I've heard things about you. I've heard that you fitted right in to the old regime. Everyone says you loved the games. That you got off on the excitement of it all. You should hear how Plutarch talks about you. So proud. So grateful that you helped him up the ladder because you actually got it. You actually got the games.'

'Yes, I got them' shouts Ella. I look over to Peeta but thankfully he's dead to the world. 'I got what Snow wanted, I got what the games makers wanted. I got what the audience wanted. I knew how to put on a good show. What's so wrong with that? I saved as many kids as I could but you know what, you have no idea what sort of lives victors had so don't you dare judge me. And you know what else? So yes, maybe I enjoyed the challenge of working out knew arenas, spotting the tricks, drumming up sponsors. Maybe I did. But never in my life have I killed someone. Never. Not even in my own games. I weakened them and they killed each other. So how dare you judge me. I've heard things about you too, you know. The defence minister, the war hero, the man who wanted to trap workers in a mountain and let them slowly suffocate, the man who designed the bombs that killed all those children and medics. The man who designed all the traps I see every day in the woods. The ones that prey on maternal instincts, kill mothers and leave orphaned baby animals to watch their mother die. I can see what kind of man you are. You get people too. You read the play, just like I do. But you take it that step further. You kill.'

I'm stunned by this cold assessment of my best friend. Ella makes him sound like such a bastard, though none of her points are new to me. Gale gives nothing away in his face but stands to leave. 'See you tomorrow, Katniss' he says and I note the formal tone of his voice. 'Ms Fletcher' he nods to Ella and leaves.

Ella sinks back into her chair. I can't think of anything to say so we sit in silence for ages. 'Sorry' says Ella eventually. I guess that he started it really. 'It's alright. I suppose I can't expect everybody to get on' I say. I'm tired now. 'Want to stay here again?' I ask to show there are no hard feelings. Ella shakes her head. 'No, but thanks.' She hugs me and goes and I copy Peeta and fall into bed fully clothed.

Peeta wakes me in the morning as he needs help walking to the bathroom. 'What did I miss last night?' he asks as he hobbles along. 'Oh just Gale telling Ella he thought she was a selfish deserter who secretly loved the hunger games and her calling him a murdering bastard' I say casually.

He stops dead. 'Seriosuly?' he asks. 'Pretty much' I say. 'I don't think they like each other.'

Peeta laughs at this. 'No, it doesn't sound like it. Funny, I thought they'd click. They've got lots in common. Though maybe that's why they don't like each other.' This sounds plausible.

I voice my thought that I couldn't expect everyone to get along and Peeta laughs. 'What do you mean? Loads of our friends don't like each other' he says.

'Like who?' I ask.

Peeta ticks people off on his hands. 'Well Gale and Haymitch for a start, so maybe it's no surprise that Ella and Gale don't get on. Annie likes Johanna but the feeling isn't particularly mutual. Delly and Johanna don't get on at all either. Neither do Delly and Gale for that matter. Rory hates Thom for some reason I can't fathom and Thom doesn't like Haymitch.'

'Who doesn't like me?' I ask, finding this actually quite amusing. Peeta shrugs. 'No one that I know, but then no one would dare tell me anything bad about you, would they? You don't like Plutarch though.'

'He's not a friend' I counter.

'He's a friend of Haymitch and Ella' Peeta points out, being annoyingly reasonable.

'Just because you get on with everybody' I grumble. I think of the only other person I know with that gift. 'Like Prim' I add quietly.

'Not true, she and Johanna…' then Peeta tails off, realising this is something to gossip about. 'What?' I say. 'Prim and Johanna what?'

Peeta shrugs. 'They didn't get on.' I think back to time I spent with both of them in 13. 'They were fine together' I say. Peeta doesn't disagree which makes me suspicious. 'What?' I demand. 'What do you know that I don't?' Peeta sighs. 'Prim disapproved of Johanna's drama and need to stir everyone up all the time. Johanna called Prim "little miss goody goody". She even said it to her face once over lunch, though I think you'd been sent to the Capitol by then and they were both just missing you and taking it out on each other.'

I can't imagine Prim taking anything out on anyone. Maybe Peeta's memory is wrong, I mean he was still pretty bad then. But even as I think this I know it's unfair. Prim wouldn't have approved of Johanna stealing my morphling and swearing all the time, and Jo wouldn't have understood Prim's sweet nature. 'Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything' Peeta says. 'It's fine' I say, not wanting to talk about it. 'Just find out why Rory hates Thom and let me know.'


	31. Chapter 31

Peeta goes through another day of physiotherapy and I think I'm getting better at the whole being supportive thing. More importantly perhaps he is getting much better at walking and goes back from being in the wheelchair to hobbling around with crutches. This time when we get back to the hotel the receptionist beckons us over and gives us a note from Gale.

'Dinner tonight? Hotel restaurant? Just the three of us this time? G'

'But last night's argument was so much fun' I joke. Peeta calls him to confirm and after a snuggle, a nap, sex and a shower we head down to meet him at eight.

Gale apologies for the previous night. 'Sorry I stirred Ella like that. It wasn't appropriate when we were both your guests.'

'Sorry I flaked out and missed it' Peeta says smiling.

'It's fine' I say, meaning it. 'Neither of you said anything that wasn't true. You just haven't seen the other side of each other, that's all.'

'Well I doubt we ever will' says Gale, calling the waitress over and ordering wine for us all. Peeta declines saying it won't mix with his pain medication. I didn't even know he was taking anything. So much for thinking I was getting better at being a supportive wife.

'So what did you actually want to ask us?' Peeta asks Gale, sipping his water.

Gale open his mouth to speak then shuts it again. Then repeats the process. This hesitancy really isn't like him. I wonder how bad the news is that he needs to break to us. Peeta and I exchange a glance but I don't say anything. It is Peeta who simply asks 'So what's her name?'

Gale looks surprised but doesn't deny it. He darts a glance at me to see my reaction. I don't react at first then worry about how I should react. I don't know how I feel. I try to probe my feelings. Jealous? A little maybe, but not much. Relieved? Yes, definitely a bit of relief that I don't have to feel guilty about choosing Peeta for ever. I smile. 'Go, on. What's her name' I echo eventually, hoping not too long a silence has passed.

Gale looksrelieved and it all comes tumbling out. 'Amelia. She's from district four and is part of the anti-nuclear lobby. She has this amazing copper coloured hair that falls all the way down to her waist, completely straight. She makes me catch her breath every time I see her which is really starting to become a problem as I seem to be dealing with the anti-nuclear lobby people nearly every day. This crush is starting to get in the way of my work.'

'Talk to her' is Peeta's advice. Gale smiles, nods and like that the topic is dropped. I feel like I'm going mad. I wait for a bit to see if either of them are going to discuss this further but the silence stretches out as they both just read the menu.

'Um, what?' I say.

Peeta looks up surprised. 'I said he should talk to her. Not do what I did with you and say nothing for ten years then get all hurt when you didn't notice me.'

'Amelia's noticed me all right' mutters Gale darkly. 'She hates me.'

'Why? What delightful things did you accuse her of?' I say teasing.

Gale just glares at me. Peeta just laughs. 'So if Amelia wants nuclear disarmament, and you like her, does this mean it'll happen?'

'Shut-up Mellark' is Gale's only response which amuses Peeta and I greatly. This red head is not mentioned again and we talk about other things over dinner. Gale tells us Johanna is in four with Annie. I frown and ask Peeta if he hadn't said that Johanna didn't really like Annie. Gale laughs at this. 'What did you do after I left last night, play a game of who hates who?' We nod which amuses him greatly. 'Ok, so who hates me?' he asks.

'Everybody' I tell him and steer the conversation back to Jo. Peeta shrugs. 'It's not that she dislikes Annie, she just finds her hard work and doesn't have much patience with her. Annie doesn't mind when Jo snaps at her but Jo feels guilty and that makes her…'

'Into a total bitch' finishes Gale. 'But she's totally smitten with Little Finn which is why she's really visiting. You guys should stop by too on your way home.'

'Can I do that?' I ask, not sure about the terms of my release from 12. 'I'll talk to Plutarch' Gale offers. 'He's in such a good mood these days I'm sure he can find a way. Especially if you say you're visiting your Mother.'

I'm not sure how I feel about visiting my mother or Annie for that matter, but selfishly I want to see the sea again. The time we'd spent there on the victory tour had shown me glimpses but it wasn't enough. I wanted to swim in the waves now there was peace. 'Sounds good' I say.

It takes Peeta another week before the Doctor at the hospital is happy enough with his progress to say he can leave. We walk out of the hospital holding hands and crutch free. Peeta phones Annie, I phone my Mother and it's agreed that we'll go out on the next train in a couple of days' time.

There is only one other person we need to visit in the Capitol. Effie. Peeta calls her too and tells me she's invited us over for tea. It's quite a log walk to her apartment but Peeta says he's ok to walk as long as we go slow so we set off in plenty of time and amble there, Peeta's arm around my shoulders to protect me and support himself.

I'm apprehensive about seeing Effie. I've never been quite sure how I feel about her. There was the Effie I watched at the reapings for years, the one who took great delight in picking the names of the children sent to die. Then there was the Effie who fussed and worried about manners and schedules when there were much more important things to think about. Life and death things. But there was also the Effie who saw us as a team, the Effie that gave us a hideous vase and came to my birthday. I tried to focus on that Effie as the one we are visiting today.

She lives in an apartment block that is mostly pink but has black marks on it as if it had been charred. 'Pods' Peeta mutters darkly and I feel him squeeze me tighter in an effort to keep control. 'Are you ok?' I ask. 'I'll be fine once we're inside' he says. 'I've been here before, you don't have to worry.'

Don't have to worry? Since when? I've always been worried about something. Ironically the only time I think I haven't been worried was the day before the Quell when Peeta was stroking my hair and the only reason I'd been not worried then was because I'd resolved to die. Don't worry! Ha.

Effie lives on the second floor and Peeta struggles with the stairs. Effie must have seen us coming because she meets us half way. 'How lovely to see you both' she says, awkwardly kissing us on the steps. 'You go on ahead' Peeta says. I go to protest but see his eyes pleading. He is embarrassed about how slow he is and having Effie and I hovering around him is just making it worse.

Effie leads me up and shows me around her apartment. It is so full of stuff. Every square of wall space has a picture on it and every surface a decoration of some sort. I recognise Peeta's style in a painting hanging prominently in the living area. It is from our first games, but not a horrific one, just one of the cave, looking up towards the sunlight. I feel a bit unsteady on my feet when I realise the layout of Effie's unit is exactly the same as the first one we were in when we first raided the Capitol. I am hit by the urge to scream and run, but instead I sit in the chair Effie gestures to.

'It's so absolutely lovely to see you both here' she effuses, sounding the same as always.

'And you' I manage so reply, trying to sound enthusiastic. 'Thank you for inviting us over.'

'Oh, it's nothing. I don't know when I'll next get to see you here so it's the least I can do to have a little gathering.'

I smile as Peeta finally catches up and falls heavily into the chair next to me.

'It was such a shame you were ill for the unveiling of the memorial' Effie continues. 'It was really moving'. Her voice sounds as it always does. High pitched and precise, over the top.

'She wasn't ill' Peeta says. 'She just wasn't ready to come here yet.' I scowl at him. This is personal information. We don't tell Effie personal things. We never have.

She just smiles thinly. 'Well that's understandable' she says and then there is a long awkward silence. I've never been in Effie's presence in silence before and it is very disconcerting. I look to Peeta to fill it but he doesn't, though he meets my eyes and I know he understands my request. I can't think of anything to say though. What are you doing these days now you no longer have a job escorting children to their death? Of all your wigs, which was your favourite?

In the end it is Effie herself who breaks it, leaning forward and taking my left hand and Peeta's right in hers. 'It is just so lovely to see you both' she exclaims. 'It's nice to see you too' Peeta says, looking at me as if to communicate something but I don't know what. 'Yeah, it is' I add hopefully but the flicker in Peeta's eyes tells me it is not enough. I am momentarily angry with him. He's the one who is good at this stuff. Why is he looking at me like that? Why can't he just talk and let me sit here?

'How are you Effie?' I ask eventually. It sounds a bit half-hearted so I try again. 'How are you, really?'

Effie squeezes my hand tightly for a moment then sits back. 'Oh, Katniss. I'm alright. It really is so, so very nice to see you.' She smiles a bit sadly. 'I've been doing some work for Plutarch on some of his programmes, organising the scheduling and things, but it isn't the same.' No I think, no children about to die. Luckily for once I keep my mouth shut as she continues. 'Everyone I knew has gone. Most of the victors, all the prep teams, all the other escorts.' She gestures around. 'Sometimes I look around and it seems all I have are things. Such pretty things.' I disagree about the pretty part but don't interrupt. 'But that's all I seem to have, things. There don't seem to be any people left. That's why this is so nice.' She smiles as us. 'Being with friends. Oh, how rude of me. Can I offer either of you a drink?'

'Tea would be lovely' we both answer together. I look at Peeta and smile. I get why he wanted me to talk to her. He'd already visited her and must have already asked how she was. He knew she was lonely. He wanted me to understand that for myself. So I try. When she brings us tea on a little tray with ornate cups and saucers I ask her. I ask her what happened to her, what her story is. And she tells me. 'It all started the moment the screens went blank during the Quell. I was shocked, we all were. Nothing like that had ever happened before. My first thought was to find Haymitch, but he was nowhere, nowhere to be found. At first I was so cross. I mean honestly, both of you in the arena, something awful happening and your mentor nowhere to be found. I assumed, as you may guess, that he was drunk somewhere. It wouldn't be the first time. I can't count the number of times he'd disappeared during games only to turn up drunk and smelling disgusting' she wrinkles her nose in disgust. 'But this time was different. He'd been so good with you two. Both games. I hadn't seen him touch a drop either time. I was a bit worried he hadn't been out talking to sponsors during the Quell but I suppose he didn't have to work at that, everyone loved you both so much I'm sure the gifts were just streaming in. He hadn't left the control room at all which is why I got quite so flustered when I couldn't find him. He had just vanished. It was there that the peacekeepers found me. They just picked me up, literally. As if I were a toy. So rude. I tried to explain who I was but they didn't listen and the next thing I knew I woke up in a horrible, dark little room with a horrendous headache.'

'Did they hurt you?' I ask as gently as I can. Effie smiles sadly. 'At the time I thought they were barbaric, but I don't think I was that badly treated compared to some others. They kept injecting me with a drug that made me dizzy and then asked me questions, so many questions. Such funny things about you both, and Haymitch and Plutarch Heavensbee and district 13. Well, that made me laugh, the thought of district 13. Isn't it queer sometimes, looking back and realising how little you knew about everything that was happening right under your nose.'

'We didn't know either' I assure her. 'Haymitch kept us completely in the dark.'

'I'm sure he did. He knew what a terrible actress you were. You never picked anything up from our coaching.' Effie says sadly.

'So what happened then' I prompt, not wanting a lecture.

Effie sighs. 'It just went on. I don't know how long for but eventually they stopped asking questions and I was just left alone in the room. At some point different people came back and asked me different questions, this time about President Snow and the Games. I didn't even notice at the time that they were completely different people. Not peacekeepers but dressed in funny, drab uniforms. I think I was even a bit pleased to have people to talk to after all those weeks alone in that room. Even the guard that pushed my food through the door never spoke to me so it was a nice change. Then one day one of them pulled me out and my first thought was no, I didn't want to go. I'd become used to that horrible little place and didn't know what was going on outside. I was taken to be washed and dressed and made up and then told to arrange a broadcast. Just like that. After months of nothing. Well, I saw you not long after that and I'm sorry if I didn't do a very good job chaperoning you, I wasn't quite back to myself.'

'It's ok' I say. 'Really, I don't need chaperoning anymore.'

Peeta sniggers. 'Rubbish' he mutters under his breath. I shoot daggers at him with my eyes but my mouth twitches a little, threatening to smile. Effie doesn't notice though and tells us again how nice it is to see us. When she calls a car for us as Peeta can't walk back, I tell her honestly that it was nice to see her too. Even though she didn't once ask us how we were, I mean it.


End file.
